It’s the Patient’s Fault

It’s been three years since cancer took my mother’s life. She battled with cancer for ten years. She went in and out of remission. She sought God. She prayed for healing. She prayed for wisdom. She prayed for guidance. She got treatment. It worked. But cancer is a bitch. It’s pretty good at finding its way back, even when a person is so good fighting it.

Right when I graduated with college my mom was re-diagnosed. I remember sitting in our living room and she asked me what I believed about what God and healing and doctors. Should someone skip treatment and just believe that God will heal them? People in her church were telling her to just believe. They were telling her not to seek treatment. Now, don’t get me wrong, I full believe in healing. I’ve seen people healed. I watched a blind woman get her sight back. God can heal. On his own. But you know what else God can do? He can use people. He created all of these people with all of these abilities and all this knowledge. He uses doctors to heal people all the time. It’s not one or the other. It’s both and. My mother did believe for healing. But she also got treatment. She believed God wanted her to get treatment. I believe God wanted her to get treatment. And she did go into remission again, for a little bit.

So it really hurts when I hear that people who knew my mother, people who studied the Bible with my mother, people who prayed with my mother, people who got words from my mother, are saying that cancer patients don’t stay in remission because they got treatment rather than believing for healing. It hurts that they’re spouting their conspiracy theories to people that I know and love, saying that cancer patients deserve to die, because they didn’t believe enough. That’s along the lines of the Old Testament, saying that people were blinded or developed leprosy because of their sins or the sins of their parents. It’s small minded and stupid.

I’m still hurt. I’m still angry. God is good. His people are not.

In the Anyway

I forgive.  Some would say that I forgive too easily.  But I forgive as I have been forgiven.  I forgive as I would like to be forgiven. Maybe I follow the Golden Rule too closely.
In the midst of all of this mess though, in the midst of all of our mistakes, Christ loved us anyway.

In the Garden, Adam and Eve hid, because they knew they had disobeyed, and they knew God knew.  They had realized their nakedness.  And though punishment did follow, God never ceased to love them.  He loved them anyway.

Moses told God he couldn’t do it.  He needed help.  Aaron had to speak for him, because he believed he couldn’t.  He had a stutter.  In spite of his weakness, God loved him anyway.

Solomon asked God for wisdom.  With his wisdom, he did a lot of great things, but also made a lot of mistakes.  He established high places, and he worshiped other gods.  At the end of his life, he realized how meaningless it all was.  And God loved him anyway.

Israel was such a disobedient, easily manipulated nation.  God let them be taken captive, then restored.  They continued to break his heart.  Yet he loved them anyway.  So much that he sent his son, himself, to die.

Peter denied knowing the messiah.  And Christ loved him anyway.

Thomas had doubts.  Jesus loved him in them, anyway.

Anyway.

There has been an awkwardness, a hurt, in my recent life.  And I could choose to hold on to it, a grudge, that would only hurt my being.  Or I could let go.  I could forgive anyway.  I could love anyway.  As I have been loved anyway.

Beneath the Eaves of Yearning

Beneath the eaves of yearning
A heart flutters
Begging to come to life

Yet time has a way of playing tricks
It is not yet time
Until contentedness and peace become family

Not asking to be embraced
They will embrace still
Finding an inner self

Waiting to be revealed
Something real
It will find its way home soon

When one is caught in waiting
The heart is restless
Seeing  time as only cruelty

But with time comes wisdom
The longing quells
One year no longer acts like a thousand

Days stretched into minutes
One can breathe it in
No longer beneath the eaves of yearning

Rather, escaping it all
Never begging to fall
Softly landing in perfection

It’s not something that needs understanding
It just is
Dwelling in acceptance

No longer the rule
But the exception
It will surprise you

Come out of the eaves
Into the sunlight
And bask

Impenetrable

I didn’t realize the crack that I heard
Was the sound of my own heart
Breaking
A sound so audible
Could only be heard
Inside my mind

I have let you inside me
Into my soul
You permeate through my skin
I have been overtaken
Now I feel empty
As the things you say
Without saying anything at all

As an investor
All my stocks in you
Have lost all their value
Losing out
Yet still hanging on
Because although I carry wisdom
None of my decisions are wise

I didn’t know what I expected
But definitely not her
Frizzy and crooked
And so much less than perfect
Although she may be perfect for you
As you are so much less than perfect
For me

I am cruel
Coal that has grown cold
You are hard as stone
Cannot be broken
Because like me
You have been broken too many times before

I softened
Now crushed under this pressure
Turning me into a diamond
Impenetrable

Lectures

“Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity.” 1 Timothy 4:12

I rarely start out a post with a verse; or, in this case, start out a rant with a verse.  But this is something that’s been coming back to me a lot lately.
See, the truth is, I spent four years of my life in college studying ministry and theology.  And that makes me no better than anyone else.  But I do know what I believe about life and God and where my place is.  However, I also realize that I am only 22, which means I am young and have a lot to learn and a lot of life experiences to obtain, so I hope I don’t seem like I have it all together.
Lately it seems that people only see the latter.  They see my youth and therefore I must be stupid.  If I have an opinion, it must be wrong, it must be lectured out of me, because I can’t possibly know anything.  In school here, it feels like people are trying to mold me into some mirror image of themselves, which is impossible.  I get that other people have degrees in other things, obviously.  My degree is not the highest because I can’t even do anything in the natural world with it.  I still haven’t fully figured out why God had me get it.  But whatever.
If I say an opinion that disagrees with someone’s writing, I am lectured and told that I should make sure that person knows I don’t agree, or find a way to make sure I think the same way.  But I’m totally fine with other people having differing opinions than me.  So why aren’t other people okay with it?
I don’t have to be right, I have to know what I believe.  I can tell people what I believe if they ask, but they don’t have to freaking agree.  Does that make sense?
So stop lecturing me.  Stop trying to make me think you’re right, just because you’re older, because age does not always equal wisdom.  Literally, don’t talk to me at all if you’re just going to put me down.  Because that’s all you do, is put me down.

It’s shit like this that makes me feel that I don’t belong here.  I worry that I am a city girl who’s afraid of people, so I’m living in a tiny mountain town again.  I miss people who understand me and like my music and don’t get offended too easily.
It’s really sad to me that the Christians in my life have a bigger problem with what I believe and who I am and how I interact than all of the other people that surround me.  Where did all the love go?

I need patience.  People need to stop looking down on me, but this verse has a second half.  I need to set an example.  So, Lord, give me strength.