(I seem to write a lot of blogs in airports)
I just spent a week in California. I flew into Reno last Monday and got to spend one day in Mammoth, my home, before venturing onward to Crescent City to be a part of an old friend’s wedding. Back in Alabama, I was so excited for this trip, and everyone kept telling me to enjoy my vacation. But I knew it wasn’t a vacation. I don’t remember how to vacation. I’ve forgotten how to rest.
My day in Mammoth I tried to run around and see people, but instead was monopolized by someone who cannot have my heart. I had dinner with my parents. It’s too hard when your minutes are too few.
My best friend and I drove to her parents’ house near San Jose on Wednesday, and onward to Crescent City, up at the top of the state, on Thursday. We went to straight into Bachelorette party mode. We drank and it was loud and I was tired. Already drained, before anything had even begun. My heart had been left behind me.
Friday we ran around picking flowers and finding teapots and books for bouquets and center pieces. It never occurred to me that all of this wouldn’t be done before the day before the wedding. My heart wasn’t there, I had left it behind me. I was drained. But weddings will never be about the bridesmaids, and it was so important that I do everything I can to make the day and all the preparations go smoothly. I think I had forgotten what I was getting myself into.
The wedding day my dress was too long. There were bugs and heat, and then sudden coldness, so I wore a sweater to the reception. The bride was beautiful. She is so in love, and there is no doubt that Josh is the one for her. She has wanted this for so long. But I simultaneously drank too much and not enough. My heart was not there. I lost it somewhere.
Yesterday my best friend and I drove 10 hours to be back to Mammoth so I could go to Lighthouse and see the people I hadn’t gotten to see yet. However, after the whole day, the whole week, I didn’t want to see anyone. I’m out of money and I haven’t eaten and all I wanted was to sleep, but there were things to be done.
I saw who I could, but left before any real conversations were had. I got picked up for dinner by the one who has my heart, but was too tired to function. Waking up with my memory erased.
I don’t regret this trip, but I regret this trip. I regret coming home too soon. I need to find my heart and drag it to Alabama with me. I think it’s time that I stay put. God keeps saying, “Stay put.”
I want to plan more trips, but I’m never going to be happy and rested in my travels if I keep trying to do everything all the time. I want my life to be an adventure, but it’s time to learn to adventure where I live first. Start small. Embrace your reality.
So I told the one who has my hear to give it back. I won’t be visiting anymore. Not until I have someone to visit with. Not until I’m healthy enough to be who I was, versus who I am.
Because I don’t have a drinking problem, but when I drink, I drink a lot.
I don’t have a drug problem, but if someone’s offering, I’ll accept.
I don’t have a guy problem, but my heart latches onto anyone who will let it.
I don’t have a money problem, but I forgot that moving to a different culture means adjusting to a different budget.
I don’t have an eating disorder, but it’s really hard to eat when your heart beats for someone else.
I keep finding all the ways that I am broken. But in reality, I am one whole person. We all have a story. Maybe someday I’ll be able to share all of mine. Maybe someday I’ll be able to be completely honest about why my heart is still broken, rather than broken again. But until then, here’s one piece. Just one more piece.
I’m breaking up with California. I’m ready to be freed.