Too Hot

You say, “it’s too hot here”
Too hot in here
Can’t handle the heat
And I can’t help but think
That if you find it so damn hot
Maybe you should stop
Stop breathing so much
Stop thinking so much
Stop moving so much
Stop being so much
These complaints in the stillness of my heart
The hardness of my heart
Where I still live in the cold
Leave me icy
Unable to comprehend
Why you think
“It’s too hot here”

In Motion

Even the smallest motion causes movement in still water
Ripples that can become waves
So it’s okay if we keep still
As living creatures, even keeping still is not completely still
There is motion in life
Even the stillest life

We make waves by breathing
Change atmospheres by stepping into the room
Perspectives morph with every spoken thought
So please, never stop thinking

They say the beat of a butterfly’s wings can cause a hurricane
You may not see the storms you cause
But storms are where the truth is revealed
Rain brings life
Life in motion

Not Love; Infatuation

An intense admiration

I am not in love with you
But I find myself infatuated with you
Not quite obsessed
Finding reasons to keep you on my mind

When I first met you, I knew
I knew that I might someday fall for you
Something told me that it would be easy to do
Yet it left me uneasy
And you left me altogether
Simply a visitor here

Months went by
Nearly forgotten
But not quite
Finding you again and realizing that nothing has changed

You should know that with you it would be real
I would never be with you if it was only for a night
It would have to be for a lifetime
You are forever material

You are a risk and a liability
Wondering if you’re worth taking
Knowing that even if you are, I’m probably not

If you would have me
I’d drop everything else
Yet that seems mighty desperate
As I’m desperately infatuated with you

About Choice

The thing about utopia is how imperfect and broken it is.  With ridding life of pain, of conflict, of disagreement, we take away so much.  We take away joy, and love, and color.  We take away choice.

Some believe that with choice, we always choose wrong.  Look at Adam and Eve.  They had the choice to live forever, and instead chose knowledge and death.  Is it because they didn’t have all the facts?  We may not ever know.  But maybe that’s okay.  So many of us say that if it were us, knowing what we know now, we would have chosen differently.  I’m not so sure that this is true.

I would love to rid the world of its corruptness.  I would love to end all wars and hunger and racism and all of that.  However, this may never be possible.  Not because people always choose wrong, but because the wrong choices sound the loudest.

If someone never knew pain, lived in a world without pain, and was surrounded by people who only knew the same, then once pain arrived it would scream in their face.  Everyone would feel it.  And to stop it, more pain would arise.  Or maybe it wouldn’t.

All I know is that the world is fallen, that I am fallen.  All I know is that I am redeemed.  All I know is that this all can be washed clean.  If only we would make the choice.

Some Thoughts

I haven’t written in a few weeks.  It’s been a long time since I’ve done that.  And it’s not for lack of anything to say.  Or because I’ve been too busy.  I’ve even written a lot of poetry and music that I just haven’t posted.  I just haven’t felt like posting.
I’m so tired.  And there’s just so many things.  So here’s a random stream of thoughts that I have encountered over the last few weeks.

So what’s up with curvy girl fashion blogs?  Like, I have no problem with them, but it seems that the word curvy suddenly means plus size or overweight or something.  Hello, I’m 5’1, but I’m not a stick.  If you asked most people, they might say I’m curvy, but I am definitely the right size for my weight and body type.  And I’m offensive by being offended.

I always talk about how I push people away, but I was definitely called out on it the other day.  One of the girls I work with apparently has been trying to get to know me, but I just don’t let that happen.

I only attract weird guys.  There’s the kind of guy I want to be with, but I’m not noticeable to them.

I’m going to sell my car and buy my dream car soon.  But yet, I might move out of the country.  What happens to my car then?

I might go to the UK and Finland in August, depending on how much money I can save up.  And I really hope I can save up enough money.

I really want to have some meaningful conversations, but there’s never really a place for that.

I’ve noticed that a lot of people here crave community.  But then they never let you be a part of the community.  There is no bonding, only bonding experiences.  But maybe that’s true of everywhere I go.

Two Weddings, Two Days

I went to two weddings this weekend; one on Saturday and one on Sunday.  One in Mammoth, the other in LA area.  It was a lot.  But this isn’t so much about the wedding as it is about my thought process and laughing at myself and realizing that things can change, and that they probably need to.

Before I moved to Mammoth instead of staying in Nevada City, I had kind of written off attending the wedding in Mammoth because I already knew I would be driving in order to go the wedding in LA, and I was closer with those people.  However, seeing as I was living in Mammoth and the wedding happened to be taking place on the property I currently live on, there was almost no saying “no” to going.  And I went.  The weird thing is, even though I grew up in this area, I don’t have many friends here.  I left them all behind when I left this place behind, and most of them have moved on with their lives as well.  Now that I’m older, I don’t even remember how I used to make friends.

So I went to the Mammoth wedding on my own, and sat with someone that I kinda knew from high school.  I changed into something more comfortable for driving, and then I went to the reception, committing to one hour.  But the reception was in a small church, and it was packed full with people.  I was getting claustrophobic and my social anxiety was acting up, and I was also anxious to get on the road.  One of my roommates was standing with some people I know, and they all knew I was uncomfortable.  Because they thought it would be funny, they all crowded around me, which was funny, but also made me have a minor panic attack.  I started crying, but I was laughing at the same time.  It was ridiculous.  Then I went and stood by another one of my roommates who was supposed to film the entrance of the bride and groom.  However, when the bridal party came in, they had nowhere to go except right where I was standing, which put me in the center of everything.  I backed out and hid in the plants.  This whole experience was rather traumatic, but later gave me a reason to laugh at myself.  What are you if you can’t laugh at yourself, really?

At the LA wedding, I was completely comfortable and content, and I had all of my old friends around me, but there was so much catching up to do that it was draining and almost overwhelming.  Everyone commented on how tan I have suddenly become, and I had to explain the whole story of moving to Mammoth and postponing Portland far too many times.  I’m glad I went, but I am so tired and weddinged out, I almost never want to go to another one, even though I have two more this year at least.

In all this driving and wedding traveling, I had a lot of time to think.  I laughed at myself for the ridiculous situations I put myself in, and I realized I have been accepting my anxiety as a part of me that cannot be changed.  I laugh at myself over it sometimes, but in reality it is nearly crippling.  I should be able to go to crowded places or parties where I don’t know anyone and not feel like I’m falling apart.  Why have not been trying to fix this?  Why have I not asked God to take it away?  Why have I simply accepted my disabilities as something God made me with?  I think it’s time that I grow up, because things should probably change.