30 Days Done

As I’ve said before, every January I try to do 30 straight days of Yoga with Adrienne. I love that she does this every year and it gives me an opportunity to build momentum for the year ahead of me. Today marks the end of January, thus I have done yoga for 30 days straight. (31 days really, because I did yoga on the 1st of the month too, even though her 30 days doesn’t start until the 2nd)

I feel accomplished. I feel like I can do this year right. I have a lot of things planned for this year, some big changes are coming that haven’t been announced yet, and I am pumped. I want to step forward with confidence. I may not get it all right, but I can do it. I am smart and I am capable.

I am setting goals for myself to make myself a better person, inside and out.

What goals are you setting? I’d love to hear them.

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Resignation

I could document it
Every instance
Because it’s already documented
Inside my head

Every wrong doing
Every negative word
It comes back to
As I search for the strength to leave

Here’s my notice
Signed and dated
Resigned to constantly searching for something better
Thanks, but no thanks, I guess

There’s a manner of speaking
A level of respect
Not even demanded
But expected as a standard

Time and effort
Energy drained
Barely breathing
Difficult to sustain

I will not accept this guilt
For leaving you behind
You need to take the blame
Can’t say I never tried

Moving on now
Ever, forever, moving
I will not crash and burn here
I never fully landed

Here’s my resignation
Signed and dated
Take my notice
And notice as I leave you

I Don’t Know What Should Be Said

No one tells you what it’s like to lose your mother at 24 when you’re across the country and are sure she isn’t dying.  No one tells you how to act.  No one tells you what you’re supposed to say.  And maybe they don’t know.

How long until you’re supposed to be okay again?  Because life goes on.  My life goes on.  I have to go to work.  I have to see people.  I have to write.  And really, I am okay.  As okay as I can be.  But I don’t want to talk about it anymore.  I’m not a talker, I’m a writer; yet no one seems to understand that.

Stop asking me how I am, because I won’t have an answer.  I don’t know.  I won’t know.  Any answer will seem like a lie.

All I can say is: don’t take life for granted.  Because now, if I ever fall in love and get married, my mother won’t be there to argue with me over details.  She won’t be there to tell me how great he is, or how I could do better.
I’ll never be able to bring a guy home to her.  And she’ll never get to visit my home here, in the south.
She’ll never get to read my first piece of published work, that I just got delivered to me.  She won’t get to point out all the typos, because there’s a lot, but it’s not my book, so that’s okay.  She won’t get to read anything else I publish either.  My mother will never know me as a professional.

And there a lot of things I could say.  There a lot more things that I meant to say.  A lot more things I meant to write.  Because I’ve been meaning to post this for at least a week now.  And it’s not for lack of strength.  It’s not for any reason other than all of the thoughts that I feel might be caving in on me.  There are too many.  I don’t know what to say.  I don’t know what should be said.

 

Heart Aches

Does your heart ever ache
For someone else?
Feeling someone else’s pain
Carrying it like a stain?
When will you be okay
Again?

I wish I could tell you
I feel your pain for you
So you don’t have to dwell
Anymore

My beating heart isn’t broken
Like yours is
I’m strong enough to bear this
It’s not like I haven’t
Before

I want you to go on
Living
For yourself
Not for me
Just breathe

Miles away
My heart aches
Pumping out your pain
Into my veins
Sorrow fills my lungs
Drowning in something
I’ll never understand

I can feel it
So I know you feel it
I made it through
You’ll make it through
Better than I did

Only when I forget you
Will all this pain we’ve gone through
Be reconciled

Even
If it never
Had anything
To do with me
In the first place

Song

There is a song in my soul
Singing to me
Pushing me forward
Telling me I can’t let go

Even in all this confusion
As my thoughts are swirling around me
I hear it
Calling my name

I’ll cross an inevitable ending off my list
Because this story is only starting
It will not be finished soon
I’ll take another step forward

Holding on with every bit of strength
I will not fall
That does not sit well with me
Give me another adventure

I am dancing to the beat
Of my own drum
Humming to the tune
Of a new song

You can sing along
With me
If you so desire
Just listen

We can follow along together
Swaying with this melody
No need to go on alone
We can make our own adventure

Storm

Sun gives way to rain
Day gives way to night
Lost somewhere in between

Touching the ground for remnants of warmth
Touching souls for glimpses of memories long since forgotten
Roads less travelled are still roads

New paths try to be easier
Yet the old ones are tried and true
Nothing was broken to make this

True strength is found in moments of weakness
Not strong enough to fight anymore
But you have kept from breaking

This soil knows what fear looks like
Rejoicing at God’s constant provision
While eyes only see another storm

Stay inside if you’re still afraid
I’ll be on my way now
There are stories still to be told
And I’m ready to listen

Agape

Agape
I heard you in the shop
As the city bustled around me

I had left myself somewhere back there
Forgetting to pick myself up where I fell
Cracks revealed as voices echo through me

Agape
You centered me again
A taste of a memory that I’d like to keep

Agape, help me hold on!
The trickles could soon become tidal waves
Watching as the dam is breaking

Agape
You wash over me
Like these voices that drown it all out

Agape, I have not forgotten
You are the rhythm I dance to in the streets
You’re every new note that I meet

Agape
You have struck a chord in me
A resounding sound that knocks me off my feet

In laughter I’ll lay in the grass with you
Bring me to my knees
Watch me weep

Agape
I remembered you
Even in all I have lost

Agape, I’m sorry if I blamed you
Forgive this weakness
For I’m still strong

Agape
It took this crowded city to wake me up
Realizing this was never just a dream

Agape, I don’t know that I’ll ever understand
Yet maybe a heart needs to be broken to become whole
And I am wholly yours.