Choices?

We’re always making choices
Every moment is a choice
We choose to stay
We choose to leave
We choose to get angry
And we choose to let things go

So you can choose now to let this go
Even if you don’t know what it is
Slamming doors, passive aggression
Waking your perceived enemies from slumber
Trying to win a battle that no one else is fighting

You can choose to get out
Or act as if you’re being thrown out
As if you’re not wanted here
Although the only thing that isn’t wanted is your anger

Feeling lost in this
Your life’s a wreck because your heart is
Or maybe vice versa

Your choices are yours alone
The time is coming
Which will you choose?

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Blogging Everyday in July|A Poem I Wrote on a Plane (No One Knows My Name)

No one knows my name here
I don’t even want to know it anymore
Finding comfort in the anonymous nature I now dwell in

The land forming below me holds no beauty for my eyes
Though I know some still find it sacred
Scattered through with lakes welling up
I stop to wonder where they come from

The anticipation my heart held before I fell asleep
Has been replaced by a new kind of dread
Expecting someone to collect the bounty on my head

I have been a thousand places
Each one unique
Yet I find them all in one another

Just one last adventure
Reminding myself not to hold my breath
Rising and falling with the pressure around me
I never meant to leave my heart behind

I think we tend to expect too much
Ending up defeated when we can’t fall asleep
These decisions weight heavy, but we continue to choose them anyway

I might beg you to hold me close tonight
Just one last time, I need you
As you wait up for me, watching for my figure in your doorway

I fell for you, tripped over who I was supposed to be
I gave you everything, forgetting who I was
I became someone else, changed my fate, my destiny, my name

I know we’re both pleading with our hearts to stop beating
You can’t have my anymore, but  you can have my every time
I was just a notch in your belt, you still wish I was more

Above the clouds now, drowning in your memory
I return, I return, I return
Tightness in my chest as my heart readies for the landing

Almost whole, almost home
Only to be broken
But this time I chose it, I chose you

I know full well that unless I stay, you’ll never choose me completely
It’s a game or it is real
We’re somewhere in between

So maybe this will be the last time
Maybe next time I’ll stay, gone
Begging you to pull me closer as I push you away

No one knows my name here
I don’t know my name here
But you know my name

No one knows my name here
But I’m more than just a name
You might know my name
But you’ll never know me

Are You Listening?

This tastes wrong
Not the way it used to
Begging me to stay
Rather than pushing me to leave
Yet I am not even me anymore
So that could be part of the problem
As every passing moment pushes me closer to the edge
My demise is inevitable
Although I wonder if I can still be saved
My unwillingness to change will only hold me down
Still I am changing
Unrecognizable
Could you still find me?
Or am I already forgotten?
You’re not even looking anymore

I thought this was something else
Way back when
At the beginning
All the times I tried to correct my mind
It wandered anyway
And I don’t believe in any of this anymore
As my heart beats
None of it is for you
Though is it for me?
I’m guessing there is no answer

I have found myself searching again
No longer content
As every new face is a curiosity
Brinking on obsession
Though love is nonexistent
Something exists within me
That is begging to be loved
You never would
None of them could
It’s too late for that anyhow
So I’ll take my bow

I just needed a last hurrah
My eyes are set on one
Trying to keep it a secret
It’s already known
Please hear this
My words are scattered
Still ringing true
Whispering
Are you listening?

Afraid

I see it in your eyes
Hear it in your voice
Find myself alarmed
Because I’ve seen it all before
Only in myself

Terrified of what it might do to you
You push me away
Telling me you don’t feel what you feel
We are not what we are
Only figments
Of imagination

I asked for nothing
When you begged for something
Couldn’t push me to stay
As I tried to leave anyway

You latched onto me and held me tight
Now every night turns into a fight
As  you tell me to leave
Then expect me to stay the night

You are running away from me
Still accusing me of running
As I prepare myself for leaving
So I don’t fall

But why can’t we fall?
If only for a moment?
As our timing is off
Let me have this moment
Because a moment with you
Could be worth it

Can we let go?
Of this fear?
I don’t want to be afraid anymore
I just want you

Control

You can’t control everything
No matter how hard you try
Life will still slip through your fingers
Stop tightening your grasp

You can’t make someone stay
When their heart is telling them to go
You can’t just go
When they need you to stay

You can’t force them all to smile
No matter how kind you are
Your heart might just keep breaking
So maybe there’s not point in repairing it

You can’t just keep running away
Because all of this will find you
So just take a deep breath
And let go

Fell For You

Maybe I fell in love with you the very first day
The 14th of February, when we decided to go out after work
Joking that it was our first date because it was the international day of love

I could have sat across from you for hours
Talking about cars and music and God
But instead I left you early, realizing we were kindred spirits

Maybe it was when you brought my favorite candy to work with you
Saying I could only have it if I promised to stay
Even though you knew that I wouldn’t

It could have been the night we watched Netflix in your room and I fell asleep
And you did too, until I begged you to take me home
And you joked the next day that you’d tell people we slept together

It was probably the night I brought over my guitar
But instead of my music making you fall in love
We told stories of life and death and why we believe what we believe

After that I thought I’d never get over you
Even though I wasn’t convinced I was under you
Struck with the knowledge that there was still someone else

There’s always a possibility that I fell for you the night I asked you about her
And you were so broken and ashamed, even when you didn’t need to be
We drove around for an hour while you asked me what I wanted in a guy, knowing it could never be you

I fell in love when you helped me to breathe again
Even though it meant I had to leave again
While you stayed behind

I knew I was a goner when you told me you’d promised yourself you wouldn’t kiss me
And you didn’t
You ran away instead

My footing was slipping when you said you’d been thinking
That I might be worth trying
Then you changed the rules because you believed I was worth more than this

My heart hit the ground the night you actually did kiss me
Okay with not going too far
Because I’d never been there with a guy before

I was soaring high when it happened again
And we sat on your bed talking about all of our impossibilities
And how they could be possible if only things were different

And then I came crashing down
The possibility of you leaving two months too soon had never occurred to me
And the idea of you being gone forever is just too much for me

So I’ve decided that I never fell for you at all
And that I write an awful lot about love for someone who’s never experienced it
Because maybe I still don’t believe in it

Even though what I feel for you is different than I’ve ever felt before
I’d never tell you so
Because I don’t love you, not at all