Anti Permanence

I’m in that state again.  You know, that state.  I poured out too much of myself.  And now I’m just done.  Hopefully just for a little while.

I decided to play through some old songs.  Songs I wrote when I was nineteen.  Songs from that time in my life.  And it made me think.  It’s always dangerous to think too deep, maybe.  I started to think about the people who used to be in my life.  All the people I’ve talked about forever with.  And it makes me think about how there is no forever.  Or there is an eternity.  So maybe I’ll see them again.  But not in this life.  Not now.

I took a nap.  I only take naps when my mind is in it’s current state.  That state.  And when I wake up I usually feel worse.  It makes me want to sleep forever.  And really, how much easier would it be to sleep forever?  It’s one of my dreams in life.  To sleep forever.
But I know that I’ll get up tomorrow and be fine.  I’m always fine.  And in my transient lifestyle, with my anti permanent friendships, relationships, and homes, always being fine will always be permanent.  In the ups and downs, I will always be okay.  I don’t even have anything deep to say right now.

This isn’t quality.  I’m not quality right now.  I joked earlier today about quantity versus quality.  Right now, I feel like neither.  Because my mind is in that state.  But.  But.  That state isn’t a permanent one.  My life has lacked permanence.  And right now, I choose to be thankful for it.  As I’ll get out of this too.

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Nobody’s Story

Nobody’s story is simple
To get to where you are now had to come from somewhere
Even growing in perfection has moments of misdirection
Every stained glass had its broken moments

The one who has it all together had to learn to stretch to wrap their arms around the broken years
The one who shines so brightly in the light has trouble falling asleep at night because of fear of darkness
The early riser, morning conqueror never fell asleep in the first place
The one so quiet and concentrated has learned to gather scattered thoughts to keep from going crazy

We try to put everyone in a box
Believing no one can understand
That everyone’s life must be easy
Because you can watch them breathe while you feel as though you’re suffocating

Things don’t go to plan
Because the chaos of the universe already has its order
As we try to grasp it we fall apart
Developing a story to be told

Nobody’s story is simple
To get to where you are now had to come from somewhere
So tell it

Disappearing Act

You wake up and pulled me closer
I can feel your breath on my neck
I feel unsafe and exposed
But I’ll let you have this moment
If only there are many more to follow

Yet there are never more to follow
And I wonder how far I’ll go until I find one that sticks
I go through the motions fitfully
Convincing myself that I’m ready this time
But you can see it in my eyes
You whisper, “What’s wrong?”

And you recycle me
Because I have been used and am no longer useful
You didn’t quite find what you were looking for
And once emptied, I no longer go with your decor
Left out on the street without another word

So I move on
To drinks and dinner and low expectations
Worried that he’ll want what you wanted
Letting him have his moment as you had your moment
But where is my moment?

I want love like a wildfire
Because I’ve already gone up in flames
Breaking everything in my path
Burning bridges so I won’t be followed
But I want to be found anyway
Because I am a rare gem
Though they never look hard enough to see what their holding
Beautiful in the daylight
Unconventional, but I’ll try to go with anything
Wear me out
Pull me in as I push you away
Tell me the truth
Or don’t say anything at all

I want you to be so aware of my presence that you can’t even sleep when I’m by your side
I know I’ve never slept with you by mine
Always searching for my escape
Constantly running away
Why couldn’t you have just given me something to run to?

So you’ll wake up and pull me closer
Trying so hard to get closer
But you can’t have your moment
I am not your moment
I am the whole damn story
Or a lapse in time

So close your eyes
You’re dreaming
Pull me closer
But I was never here

It is Time

It’s time to resurrect those Lazarus dreams
Because they’re not dead,
Only sleeping

It’s time to wake up our drowsy souls
So worn down
So stuck in the cold

It’s time to set fire to frozen graves
Because our hearts are not sleeping
They’re wide awake

It’s time to stitch together a quilt of our stories
To use to sit beneath
When outside the rains are pouring

It’s time to hear his voice again
We heard it once
Then pulled away, afraid to begin

It’s time to open up our eyes wide
Because he is literally everywhere
And he is on our side

It’s time to call down miracles
Crazy things will happen
This place will be more than full

It’s time to step into wholeness
Because we are not lost or broken
We are found, healed, blessed

It’s time to relax and rest
What we have now is right
We don’t always have to be the best

It’s time to let loose and sing
Off key, melodies, harmonies
Doesn’t matter, let it ring

It’s time to step into destiny
No more waiting around
Let’s embark on this journey

It’s time to stop caring what they might think
They’re not even watching
Come to the river, drink

It’s time to be filled
So sit at his feet,
Be still

It’s time to overflow
Dig your roots deep
Let’s see how far we get to go

It’s time to declare freedom
Out shackles fell off long ago
Out of captivity, we are done

It is time to resurrect these Lazarus dreams
Because they’re not dead
Only sleeping

It. Is. Time.

So tired…

I am so tired of being tired.  I can’t even wake myself up anymore, because I’m always tired.  I slept 10 hours last night, and I’m still freakin’ exhausted.  I’m pissed.

I’ve let myself get into this lazy rut where I’m not even close to being tidy and I lag on my homework.  I haven’t even been writing every week.  And I know I’ll come out of it, but I’m just sick of it.

I want to be done.  I know that there is like 2 weeks left of school, but I’m still so tired.  I need to force myself to put effort into it, but it’s just so hard.

I had my heart set on an internship in Illinois this summer, so sure that they would accept me; they didn’t.  I’m terrified of going home, but I feel like that’s my most likely option.  I was offered a possible internship at my church here, but I don’t think I’m going to get to do that one either.

I can’t go home for another summer.  I’m terrified that I again won’t have a job and that I’ll have to try to keep myself happy at home.  I won’t be able to pay for gas, and that town just depresses me in general.  I’m not saying that everything about Bishop is bad, but I can’t be happy there; trust me, I’ve tried.  I wasted 18 of my life in that little town, and I can’t handle it.  I can feel the spiritual oppression as I hit the valley line, but no one believes me, no one understands.  I am getting along with my family much better, but can I trust that to stay if I have to see them everyday, if they have to deal with me everyday?  I can’t do this.

On the bright side, Mary is back in the states.  She surprised me 2 weeks ago and it was the most delightfully confusing moment of my life.  I am amazed that she loved me so much to spend months concocting a surprise plan like that.  She is the best person in my life.  I love that I can see Jesus in her, and that I helped her to see Jesus when she couldn’t find him.  She told me that; that

Realizations

Today was a hard day.  Parts of yesterday were hard also, but that’s besides the point.  This will probably be short, but these are some things that I have realized over the past couple of days.

  1. If I were an animal, I would be a cat.  I don’t particularly like cats, but I’ve been compared to one recently, more than once, and I’m beginning to see why.  Cats tend to wander, but spend time alone.  I wander and go to find people when I feel lonely or that I need people.  Then I leave when I feel ignored.  If I feel annoyed or uncomfortable in a situation, I leave.  I kinda chase things around like a cat.  Example: when I attempt the steal the basketball from my friend Sal.  When I walk up to my friends, I hit them with my head, the way a cat would when they want attention.  I’m not really sure why I do these things, I’ve always been more of a dog person.
  2. I don’t currently have any friends that I can rely on except for maybe these two guys I know.  They are good.  There are people that I’ve depended on lately, but I can’t rely on them.  In fact, today I realized that I go to find people, I search them out, but no one will do that for me.  None of my “good friends” search me out.  They swear that they’ll freak out or be changed forever if I was gone, but I’m sure they wouldn’t notice for a while.  Like at least a week.  Today I took one of the few chick friends I thought I could rely on to the store with me and I told her how I felt.  I told her that it hurts that no one asks me to hang out and that I am almost to the point of giving up.  Do you know what she said?  You make us feel guilty when you tell us that we never hang out anymore, so we feel bad and don’t want to hang out.  Does that sound as illogical to you as it did to me?  IF YOU FEEL GUILTY ABOUT SOMETHING, YOU DON’T FREAKIN’ KEEP DOING IT.  So yeah, basically that hurts.  And I feel like dying.
  3. I don’t want a boyfriend.  I don’t even have a desire to really get married or anything.  But I am fighting off feelings for someone that I really don’t want a relationship with.  However, today I realized that our friendship is so great, that he knows how messed up I am, so he’ll never have feelings for me.  This makes me so happy, because it means that I don’t have to worry about falling into a relationship that will probably end up failing.

Not everything about today was bad though.  I went to talk to the head of Res Life in her apartment for a while.  I’ve been asking God for a mentor.  I may have found one.  I may ask her to mentor me or something.  I don’t know.
Right now my head hurts and I’m tired.
Sara OUT.

A Day Late…

I realize that this post is one day late.  It’s finals week and finishing everything last night was crazy, so I apologize for the lateness.

I don’t have much to say right now, but this is what I will say.

6 things I will be looking forward to while I am home:

  1.  Spending some much needed time with God.  Reading my Bible and journaling.
  2. Sleeping in my bed in my own room, alone with lots of pillows.  Simply sleeping for days.
  3. Spending time with Adrian.  I do miss him so.  He’s an old friend and he’s always been there.
  4. Writing.  Music and poetry.  Maybe getting a start on my book.
  5. Catching up on my reading.  So much relaxation is to be had.
  6. Photography.  Hopefully I will be taking some pictures.  This could be a lie though.  My camera sort of hates me lately.