Life in the Slow Lane

I talk fast.  I think fast.  I drive fast.  I make decisions fast.  I move fast.  Everything is fast.  But I think it might be time to slow down.  Welcome to the South.  Where even the state troopers don’t drive the speed limit.  Where people have a drawl, even when they’re hyped up on caffeine.

I never quite learned to rest.  I wrote a while back about staying put.  About how it might be time for me to be present where I’m at.  But I think it’s more than that.  I wonder if I’ll settle here.  Although I may never settle. My heart is learning to beat for the land.  And this land ambles.  It does not run.  It does not race.  It does not scream at you to speed up.  If anything, it whispers to slow down.  It calls you to rest.  It asks you to wait and see what might be around the next bend,  because if you take it too fast, you might miss it, you might hit it, you might kill what could have been an opportunity.  Life in the slow lane means not jumping to conclusions.

I think my heart has been so miserable because it is always racing, and I won’t listen to the beat.  I followed it here, and then I forced it to keep me awake so that I could do far too much again.  I’m not going to do far too much anymore though.  I am going to breathe for a little while.  I’m going to take things in stride.  I’m not going to worry, I’m going to listen to the constant streams of consciousness that might be telling me that everything is okay, that good things do happen.  I think I’ll live here, in the slow lane, for a while.  And for anyone who tells me that it’s time to speed up, they can exit the vehicle.  Because this is my life, and I’m going to claim it.

Blogging Everyday in July|On Being a Single Human

Hello.  I am a single human.  In that I mean that I am a human and I am single, but also that I am only one human, not multiple.  I got asked to blog about being single, and I think it’s because my group of friends is mostly from the “singles” group at my church.  That’s so weird to say, by the way.
On a side note, when I was in college, my friend Karina was part of a church in Pasadena, and the young, college aged group was called the “singles” group, and we thought it was so weird and hilarious, but not that I’m out of college, I realize I can’t be in a college group.  So it’s young adults, but my church has a young married people group too, so this one is the “singles” group.  Haha.  Laugh with me.
Anyway, my friends are mostly single, even though some of them might be starting relationships soon.  We love each other, and we’re content with where we’re at, I think.  I know I am.  And that might really be true for the first time in a long time.

For a long time I’ve joked about singleness.  I’ve laughed at myself, but on the inside wished I could change it.  Then, the last couple years or so I’ve had multiple guys in my life, but none of them were serious enough about me, even though my heart kept going farther than I wanted it to, so I kept getting crushed.  And occasionally I’d do the crushing.
One of my old flames texted me last week saying he missed me, even though it’s been so many months since we’re spoken.  I told him that he was just being lonely.  And I told him that I don’t want to be lonely, I want to be content being alone.  And I think that’s what I am.  Not just because there’s no one in my life right now that I really want to be with, but because I love my friends, my lifestyle, and figuring out my life the way it is.  I like that I’m becoming a healthier person.  I think I just needed to purge all of the pain out, and dating is one of those things.

I’ve heard a lot that as soon as you stop looking, you find someone.  I don’t want that to be true.  Because then, when you stop looking, you start looking.  All of the fun adventures that I would want to do on dates, I can do with a group of my friends here, and it’s a thousand times more enjoyable.
I want to be in love with life again before I fall in love with a person.

A lot of people believe in soul mates, or believe that they’re only half of an entity until they find their other half.  But I want to be whole and unbroken.  I want to be desired because I’m independent and following my dreams.  I want my heart to be full.  And I’m getting there.

So yes, I’m a single human.  That’s exactly who I’m supposed to be.  That’s exactly who I want to be.  And that is the end.

Snowy Sleeplessness

It seems I have forgotten how to sleep.  And it would be so easy to blame in on the snow, because the white blanket outside makes it seem like there’s light out forever.  Maybe I need darkness.  But really, when I shut it all out, there is darkness.  So why am I still awake?

My life is pretty great right now.  Even with all the bad in it, I am content.  Because there is so much good in it as well, so much to be thankful for.
Yet I still feel that prickle in the back of my mind.  And maybe it will always be there.  It’s not something I’m going to act on, because I am so much stronger than this, but it’s still there, as if it’s waiting for me.
My heart aches for it, even with all the harm it could cause.  So let’s talk.
Sometimes I wish I could slice myself open and disappear.  Maybe because that would be so much easier.  I wouldn’t have to worry about making it then, because I would have already made it.  I would have already arrived.
I thought my life would be so much more than this.  I thought I would have my book written, or some spoken word recorded, or maybe I would be living in England pursuing my Masters.  I hoped so much for simplicity and success.  But in all honesty, maybe I’m not ready for that.
I’m here because, after all my striving, I am finally learning vulnerability.  I try so hard to push everyone away when they get too close.  I can’t ever let anyone know what’s going on inside.  I am so out of touch with my feelings, that whenever I feel anything at all, I bolt so that I don’t get hurt.  I hate getting hurt.

I feel like I have been lied to.  I feel like I am being constantly misunderstood.  I feel like I’m being taught all these things that I have already learned and developed my opinions on.  And then I am being talked down to like I know nothing at all.
Intruders come into my life and touch all my things.  And I’m paying them to be there.  And being lied to about the price.
I am being asked to simplify my faith, and then given examples that make it more complicated with extra details.
I am given lessons in theology like it’s not something I went over my freshman year of college.
I’m saying I’m better than any of this or smarter than any of this, I just want to be heard.  I just want to be understood.  I just want to be asked what I really think, and then not told that I am wrong, because I’m not wrong.  How can any of us even be right if none of the answers we can know for certain?
How did I end up here?

There is someone I could so easily go back to.  Someone who doesn’t need to talk or ask questions or know me.  Someone who just wants me to be there.  But they are so bad for me.  And there could be someone new.  But I’d never let that happen, because having real feelings could cause real hurt, and I’ve never been good enough for a Christian guy before.
Because even with all my knowledge, with my studies and my writing and my music, there’s just something wrong.  I spend too much time putting someone else’s supposed projections onto my identity, that I never stop to ask or believe what anyone else thinks.  Because every time I get my hopes up, they get let down before they can be crushed.

This isn’t who I am though.  This isn’t where my identity lives, I just let it rest here for a while.  I want so much to be someone different, someone better, the best possible version of myself.  But instead I’m stuck here, being forced into some box and expected to play the part of someone I’m not.  I was never even given a script.

So come find me here, because I’m waiting.

My Morning

You are my morning
But morning comes so often that I sometimes forget to stop.
And notice you
Because even as you light everything I do
I still take for granted that you’re my sun and my moon

You are the star that guides me home
And you’re there waiting for me still
But sometimes I let myself get lost along the way
Not quite sure what home is anymore
But I know you’ll still find me

You are the glue that holds me together
Which is why I don’t always fall apart anymore
Yet I still try to hit things like they’ll break me
I am completely whole
But I act like I’m something so broken I’ll never be fixed

Even with all of this though
You forgive me still
You’ll take me back every single time
But I do take this lightly?

You could be my everything
And I’d still find a way to say I’m not enough
Why will I never believe that I’m good enough?
How many times do you have to say it?

Am I really in love with you?
Is this really what love is?
Even in your love, I find myself wanting
So I’m asking you to take me away
I’m asking you to fill me up.

Again

When people ask me what my type is, I usually say your name
But I can’t help feeling like this is all just a game
What are we playing at?

You are music to my ears
And my knees grow weak at the mere sight of you
I am so fragile in your hands
Please don’t break me

And I know it’s against my better judgment to let you in again
But who am I kidding?
I can’t say no to you

You had me at hello
And I could never let that go
No matter how hard I tried

You’re everywhere in my mind
Even as I try to forget
There’s still traces of you that I’ll never erase

I keep this door I’ve closed unlocked
Just in case you try to come in again
You don’t even have to knock, I’ve been saving you a key

And as broken as I am, I keep waiting for you
I don’t even have to expect your return
You always find your way back to me

I like to think that together, we are home
But we still set each other free to roam
On the coldest nights, I just want to know I’m not alone

Somehow though, I think I’m always alone with you
The closer that we come, the lonelier I get
Because I know the time is coming when you’ll leave me again

I hate when you forget me
But maybe I’m never forgotten
You always seem to remember me enough to return right when I move on

As much as I’d like to leave you behind
We both know that’ll never happen
I drowned in your ocean far too long ago

If there’s ever someone new
They can never compare to you
So shall we try this again?

Forgive

I will forgive you
For breaking my heart
For leaving me at the start
For ripping this apart

I will forgive you
For letting me down when I let you in
For making me lose so that you could win
For destroying me again

I forgive you
Even though you almost made me love you
Even though we could have been two
Even though I feel like a fool

I will let this all go
Because I can’t let you go
But do my feelings show?
You mold my heart like playdough

I’ll forgive you
Even if you still break me
Even if that’s all you see
Even if this sets you free

See, I’ll forgive you every time
There is truth in every rhyme
Everytime I search, you’re what I find
But even as I forgive, I promise, I’ll never forget, this won’t leave my mind.

Yours (Too Many Times)

This is a rough cut of a song I wrote that really needs to be re-recorded, but I’m too lazy and not talented enough to work at it.  But I felt like sharing it.

It’s been too many times that I’ve been broken
But I keep coming back to you
And it’s been too many times that you have messed up
But you keep coming back to me, too
And we both know that I’ll forgive you too many times
Still hopin’ that somehow we will get it right
Hopin’ it all just be fine

I would be yours forever
If you would just ask me
If you would just say the word
Already I am yours forever
In the midst of everything
Even when my heart is breaking
I’m still yours

It’s been too many times that you have left me
And I only know how to let you
It’s been too many times that I’ve pushed you away
And that’s all you let me do
For far too long now we have let this go on
Knowing that we’ll probably never get it right
But it’s so damn good while we’re gettin’ wrong

I would be yours forever
If you would just ask me
If you would just say the word
Already I am yours forever
In the midst of everything
Even when my heart is breaking
I’m still yours

I’ve been yours
Far too many times before
Even as I let go
Even as I move on
Everytime you say the word
I’m still yours

I would be yours forever
If you would just ask me
If you would just say the word
Already I am yours forever
In the midst of everything
Even when my heart is breaking
I’m still yours