Anymore

I’m not creative anymore.
I’m not really anything anymore.
And my whole life used to be creative.  Everything I stood for was so that I could put more words down and life more people up with them.  But was I ever really that uplifting?
I feel like I don’t know how to make good decisions anymore.  I feel lost.  I feel terrified.  I just want to give up and start again, but life doesn’t work that way.  I feel stuck, but I have to get unstuck, or else I won’t survive.
And I’m not sure what else I can do.

I miss home.  I miss the west.  I want to be anywhere but here.  Because there’s a little bit of grace in starting fresh.  And all I want right now is to start fresh.

My heart has been aching for so long now.  Every step I make to lessen the pain only makes it worse.  Why can’t things go back to the way they used to be?  Why can’t I just go home?  All I want is to go home.  I want to be able to tell my mom how frustrated I am with Alabama and the lack of opportunities and community here.  I want to go home and have my dad make me dinner and help me figure out how to fix all of this.  Because for most of my life I had that ability.  And I didn’t realize how lucky I was.  I didn’t realize how much I took it for granted because I was so depressed and stuck in my own head.  But now I’m depressed and I have nowhere to go.  And I can’t go home anymore.

“Save Me”

“Save me”
Crying out
“Save me”
Clawing at the edges
“Save me”
Can’t pull yourself up

“I can’t do this on my own
Not anymore”
You yell this in his face
As he gently beckons
Just let go

Afraid of heights
Pulling yourself to the top of the pit
Will not look back at what you’re climbing from
Begging
“Save me”
Just let go

Beneath you
Right beneath you
Are arms poised and ready
Waiting for you to just let go
So they can catch you

“Save me”
Crying out
As you pull away from salvation
Not realizing you are saved
If you’d just let go

No longer waiting
No longer striving in fear
“Save me”
Words that are only memories to your lips
Just let go
You are safe

Blogging Everyday in July|A Poem I Wrote on a Plane (No One Knows My Name)

No one knows my name here
I don’t even want to know it anymore
Finding comfort in the anonymous nature I now dwell in

The land forming below me holds no beauty for my eyes
Though I know some still find it sacred
Scattered through with lakes welling up
I stop to wonder where they come from

The anticipation my heart held before I fell asleep
Has been replaced by a new kind of dread
Expecting someone to collect the bounty on my head

I have been a thousand places
Each one unique
Yet I find them all in one another

Just one last adventure
Reminding myself not to hold my breath
Rising and falling with the pressure around me
I never meant to leave my heart behind

I think we tend to expect too much
Ending up defeated when we can’t fall asleep
These decisions weight heavy, but we continue to choose them anyway

I might beg you to hold me close tonight
Just one last time, I need you
As you wait up for me, watching for my figure in your doorway

I fell for you, tripped over who I was supposed to be
I gave you everything, forgetting who I was
I became someone else, changed my fate, my destiny, my name

I know we’re both pleading with our hearts to stop beating
You can’t have my anymore, but  you can have my every time
I was just a notch in your belt, you still wish I was more

Above the clouds now, drowning in your memory
I return, I return, I return
Tightness in my chest as my heart readies for the landing

Almost whole, almost home
Only to be broken
But this time I chose it, I chose you

I know full well that unless I stay, you’ll never choose me completely
It’s a game or it is real
We’re somewhere in between

So maybe this will be the last time
Maybe next time I’ll stay, gone
Begging you to pull me closer as I push you away

No one knows my name here
I don’t know my name here
But you know my name

No one knows my name here
But I’m more than just a name
You might know my name
But you’ll never know me

Road Trip With Me:Time to Trust

So I’m not very good at making plans.  If they fall through I get stressed out, and when I’m the reason they fall through I feel like a jerk.  I tend to keep my plans to myself, especially when they’re risky.
So now I’m in Florence.  And I have no idea what I’m doing.

I looked at apartments and requested info from a few several weeks ago.  However, I never heard back at all.  Yesterday when I rolled into town I was so out of my mind, and it was too late in the day, for me to actually call on properties.  So I decided I would take care of that today, as everyone that I know in Florence is out of town.  Surprise surprise.  But I’m fine.
However, today is Saturday.  Offices are closed on Saturdays.  And it usually takes a few days for rental approval to go through in order to move into a place.  I really don’t know what I’m doing.

Yet there has been some encouragement.  I maybe should have started with this bit, but it wouldn’t be me if I wasn’t scattered in my thoughts.  I stopped in Topeka, Kansas and saw my friend Jordie.  We ate Chick-Fil-A and talked.  Mostly I talked.  I just had so many things I needed to get out.  I told her how I sometimes felt, on the drive, that I was making the wrong decision.  But she encouraged me.  She said she wished she could do what I was doing, but she is called elsewhere.  She told me about all of these other people who are flocking to Florence.  I suddenly felt like I was part of a movement.
I stayed the night with my friend Erica and her husband.  I went to college with them and it was nice to feel safe, loved, and taken care of, if only for a night.  Erica and I caught up.  She heard my heart.  And it was good.

Last night, after my arrival, I found a place to stay and I tried not to fall apart.  This is my home now.  I just don’t understand it yet.  But I filled out more job applications and prepped for whatever is going to come next.
See, I feel as though I left a big piece of my heart behind.  I’ve never felt that way before.  Every move I make here, I haven’t yet accepted any of it as permanent.  It’s like I’m on an extended vacation.
This morning I left messages with apartment offices, I printed my resume, and I drove around Florence.  Every hotel that I stopped at with my resume (an application already filled out) gave me more encouragement.  Everyone is so nice.  I have a few interviews lined up and already had some mini interviews.  And though I’m worried, I’m not really that worried.
And today someone told me about a spoken word open mic event that happens every other week, and even offered to take me.  And there’s so much music here!  I should feel welcomed.  And I think I do.

This is the first time in my life that I have really had to trust God.  I’ve always had my family, or someone familiar, to fall back on.  I’ve always had someone who believed in me, who knew me, that I could trust to be there for me.  So, although I have heard God and he has provided for me in so many miraculous ways in the past, I have always still had one hand holding onto earth, holding onto what I know.  Well here, I don’t know anything.
I’m in Florence, and I don’t know what I’m doing.
I’m terrified.
But I’m also oh so excited.

Road Trip With Me: Making Adventures

The other night I slept in my car at a rest area alone, for the first time ever in my life.  I’m not going to say I wasn’t scared or lonely, but it was an adventure.
An hour or so earlier, I was driving through Utah,  and I saw a sign that said “Dinosaur footprints at Johnson Ranch, next right.”  So I got off the interstate and followed the signs.  However, I had just hit the time change, so the place was closed by the time I got there.  I bought myself ice cream at a gas station and drove until my eyes couldn’t see well anymore.  After dusk, it’s often hard for me to see, so I don’t feel super safe driving in unfamiliar places all the time.  Never really realized it was an issue until now, but I digress.

The next day I set out for Denver.  I had reservations at a dinosaur themed hotel for two nights, and one of my oldest friends lives in Denver with his girlfriend, so I knew it was gonna be a good stop.  On my way I saw a sign that said “Dinosaur Museum.”  So I decided to try this spontaneous adventure thing again.
It was open.  It was tiny.  I paid $9.  But it was so worth it.  I don’t know why, but dinosaurs give me such a simple joy.  It did delay my getting to Denver and dinner until 6:30/7pm, but who cares.
I met up with Cristian and his girlfriend and we had dinner.  It was more than good to see a familiar face.  I went back to my hotel and slept.  I wanted to relax and sleep in for once.
I got up late and set out for the Denver Museum of Nature and Science.  I saw dinosaurs and went to a history of chocolate exhibit.
I drove to downtown to wait for Cristian to get off work.  Two strangers told me I was beautiful.  I decided Denver was kind.  Cristian and I got dinner and struggled to find my car.  I took him home and we said goodbye.

Today I really slept in.  I drove into Kansas.  After 5 or so hours of driving (with stops) I started to feel weird.  I took myself to a movie, which wasn’t as good as I hoped it would be.  I was feeling very uncomfortable, and I didn’t want to drive further, so I got a cheap motel room and I currently feel very stupid and alone.

I am further from home than I have ever been alone.  Saying goodbye to Cristian meant saying goodbye to the last person that I’ll see in a long time that knows me.  I wasn’t afraid for this adventure at all.  But now I am.  Because now there really is no turning back.  Now, if I made the wrong decision, I won’t know where to go or what to do.  I can’t just call my dad if my car breaks down.  I can’t expect my brother to come rescue me from a snow storm, or for Michelle to be able to watch a movie and just be with me.  I have to make it on my own now.  And even though I know for sure that I can do it, I am suddenly terrified.  What was I thinking?  Why did I do this?
Oh right, I was called.  I followed God.  I followed my heart.  I’m crossing things off my bucket list.  I’m making life an adventure.  I just wish I didn’t feel so alone and stupid.