Both Worlds

There are things that I love in life.  Things that I’m figuring out.  Things I feel called to.  And I’m learning that there are things that I need.

I love art.  I love stories, both hearing them and telling them.  This is why I love people, even though I make such a point of saying that I don’t.  I love writing and being able to share that side of me.  Being encouraged in that is one of my favorite things.  Being pushed to do that is what I really need though.  Which is why I love community.  I need a community that has at least one person who will do these things with me, because my anxiety won’t let me do them on my own.  That’s something I had when I was in school, but I have no desire to be back in LA, with the traffic and how long it takes to get anywhere.

I love mountains.  I love nature and open spaces.  I love adventures and hiking and skiing and kayaking and swimming in lakes.  I love that these places aren’t crowded.  I love that I could take off my clothes and jump into freezing cold water and not have to worry that anyone would see me.  I could do this back home.  But I didn’t love the isolation.  I felt like I couldn’t breathe there.  Two different kinds of people were telling me who to be, and the people I found myself listening to weren’t the best people for me.  I needed to do something on my own.  And there wasn’t art, not in the way I crave it.  The artists there were lazy.  If someone had talent, no one would know it, and not enough people cared enough to pursue it.  You had to have the type of personality to make your own name known.  That’s not who I am.  I hide.
And Mammoth was so far from everything.  Two hours to get to the nearest city, and working too much to make going anywhere possible.  No one pushed me to be the best me, but that’s not anyone’s fault.  It’s a town of individuals.  Those individuals didn’t build the kind of community I needed.

I love good music.  I love musicians.  I love history and wildlife and culture.  That’s something that Florence has, although I haven’t grasped it yet.  There’s events all the time.  I just found out the university here has live lions as their mascot, though they weren’t out when I went to see them because it was too late in the day.  This town has culture and nature and art.  It has people who I could love, if I would stick around enough to be in their community.
But I’m an individual.  And I work in hospitality.  So I don’t have weekends or a regular schedule.  I used to go out after work and drink, but be only five minutes from home.  I was spoiled.  If I didn’t want to be by myself, I didn’t have to schedule time.

I was called here.  Or I thought I was.  But I wonder if I just wanted to escape what I thought was an unhealthy environment.  I wanted to do something on my own.  I was miserable.  I need to remember that.  I needed to know that I can make it on my own.  Yet, I keep asking myself why I decided to do life alone.  I went running the other day and realized that absolutely no one knew where I was.  I suddenly was very aware that if I disappeared, no one would notice for quite some time.  And no one would know where to look for me.  But who the hell am I going to tell my daily whereabouts to?  Isn’t that a weird thing to do?

I’m not giving up.  I’m just having a lot of doubts in myself.  I keep wondering what I have done.

I want so badly to find a place where I belong.  I want mountains and lakes and kayaking.  I want culture and community.  I want poetry and art and options.  I want the city.  I want the snow.  I want to be my best self and I want to be somewhere that I can thrive.  But I don’t want to do it alone anymore.

 

Severing Ties

Severing all ties
Leaving this behind
Answering no more questions
Because I’m exhausted

I don’t have to answer to you
The third degree is draining
As I’ve explained this all before
I can’t say it again

I’m severing my ties with this life
Cannot let it linger on me
Although it might
As it’s torn me apart

Not quite running away
Just leaving
Because it’s been time for a while
Time to fall in love with something new
As I never meant to fall in love with you

Afraid

I see it in your eyes
Hear it in your voice
Find myself alarmed
Because I’ve seen it all before
Only in myself

Terrified of what it might do to you
You push me away
Telling me you don’t feel what you feel
We are not what we are
Only figments
Of imagination

I asked for nothing
When you begged for something
Couldn’t push me to stay
As I tried to leave anyway

You latched onto me and held me tight
Now every night turns into a fight
As  you tell me to leave
Then expect me to stay the night

You are running away from me
Still accusing me of running
As I prepare myself for leaving
So I don’t fall

But why can’t we fall?
If only for a moment?
As our timing is off
Let me have this moment
Because a moment with you
Could be worth it

Can we let go?
Of this fear?
I don’t want to be afraid anymore
I just want you

Disappearing Act

You wake up and pulled me closer
I can feel your breath on my neck
I feel unsafe and exposed
But I’ll let you have this moment
If only there are many more to follow

Yet there are never more to follow
And I wonder how far I’ll go until I find one that sticks
I go through the motions fitfully
Convincing myself that I’m ready this time
But you can see it in my eyes
You whisper, “What’s wrong?”

And you recycle me
Because I have been used and am no longer useful
You didn’t quite find what you were looking for
And once emptied, I no longer go with your decor
Left out on the street without another word

So I move on
To drinks and dinner and low expectations
Worried that he’ll want what you wanted
Letting him have his moment as you had your moment
But where is my moment?

I want love like a wildfire
Because I’ve already gone up in flames
Breaking everything in my path
Burning bridges so I won’t be followed
But I want to be found anyway
Because I am a rare gem
Though they never look hard enough to see what their holding
Beautiful in the daylight
Unconventional, but I’ll try to go with anything
Wear me out
Pull me in as I push you away
Tell me the truth
Or don’t say anything at all

I want you to be so aware of my presence that you can’t even sleep when I’m by your side
I know I’ve never slept with you by mine
Always searching for my escape
Constantly running away
Why couldn’t you have just given me something to run to?

So you’ll wake up and pull me closer
Trying so hard to get closer
But you can’t have your moment
I am not your moment
I am the whole damn story
Or a lapse in time

So close your eyes
You’re dreaming
Pull me closer
But I was never here

Ahead of the Journey

I try to run ahead
And when  you take your time
I act as though I’m running away
Not realizing that I’m missing the journey
As I leave you behind

I had revelations
Forgetting that that book is at the end
Not that I must wait for it all to be over
But that I have galloped over the stepping stones
That you have laid out before me
In the river
That I might stay dry
Yet now my feet are soaking wet

You don’t have to move me
Though it might be time that I learn
To move with you
Looking around me
Falling into step with you
As we walk this life

Hollow

Do you ever feel hollow inside?
Like all of it has been sucked out of you?
Because I do.

I just got the news
That you might be coming back
And instead of being overjoyed
I feel what you left me with returning

It really is all my fault
I’ll shoulder the blame
I pushed you to fall
Then pushed you away when you didn’t
I bet you didn’t know that I had fallen too

But you said you’d never come back
You packed up your car
Leaving for good
There was no point in giving false hope

So I was broken for a while
Until I found my balance again
Knowing you were never for me
Even if you were never against me
I emptied myself of everything you gave me
And now I am hollow

Control

You can’t control everything
No matter how hard you try
Life will still slip through your fingers
Stop tightening your grasp

You can’t make someone stay
When their heart is telling them to go
You can’t just go
When they need you to stay

You can’t force them all to smile
No matter how kind you are
Your heart might just keep breaking
So maybe there’s not point in repairing it

You can’t just keep running away
Because all of this will find you
So just take a deep breath
And let go