How to Love

The other day a friend texted me about two guy friends of hers.  One of them responds quickly and gets all her jokes.  He laughs at her pictures and responds with another one.  The other one responds vaguely, and it’s usually a little more difficult to get ahold of him.  She said she felt really bothered by this.  She said she felt like chocolate, and that yeah, some people don’t like chocolate, but chocolate doesn’t really feel great when it’s unliked, even though most people like it.
I told her that I wasn’t so sure that that’s what it was.  See, everyone has a different love language and a different way of communicating.  But everyone loves the way they want to be loved.  And everyone communicates the way they want to be communicated with.  And so if someone doesn’t respond right away, they probably don’t expect you to.  If they don’t send you funny pictures or have hilarious responses to your jokes, it could be that they think you’re funny, they just don’t communicate that way.  But friendships do take communication.
I feel a lot like chocolate covered bacon, I told her.  If we’re sticking with the dessert references.  I feel like I’m something that people shouldn’t like.  Like I’m something that some people think sounds so awesome until they try me.  Or the opposite, that I sound horrible, but once people give me a chance, they’re hooked.  But even more so, there are parts of me that are so sweet, that people love, and parts of me that are savory that people crave.  However, when mixed, they’re not always what you want.
I feel unappreciated.  I feel like a joke.  I feel like an acquired taste that no one wants to take the time to acquire.  But I hide away so much at the start that I have to put some of the blame on myself.

I had a discussion with people.  I’m being vague on purpose.  We talked about having people in your home when you come home from work.  Especially when your house is the size of three vans.  How 2 extra people can feel like 10.  But the other participants of this discussion dwelled on the noise issue.  People should be quiet after 10pm.  I have social anxiety.  And I’m so much better than I was a year ago.  But for me, dealing with people has very little to do with the noise factor.  It has to do with the presence of unwanted people in my house.  So telling me you’ll keep it down doesn’t make me feel better.

On Wednesday night I came home at 11pm after a stressful day at work to a group of people hanging out in my living room.  Yes, some of them live here, but not all.  And it was too much.  I can’t feel comfortable in my own home.  They said they were being quiet and that they were making brownies, but they also always fail to remember that I don’t have a door.  I went outside to grab my phone charger and had a full fledged panic attack.  Why is it okay for me to come home to that?

And maybe I do need to learn to live in community.  But I’m the kind of person who needs to wade into the water, not be thrown into the waves of the ocean, drowning.  I feel like I’m drowning.  I forgot my life-vest.

Maybe it’s time I move out.  Maybe it’s time I move on.  Because my broken heart can’t keep beating.  My bruised lungs can’t keep breathing. And no one can hear my screaming.  No one can hear the words I pen.  No one reads anything that comes out of me.  Because I don’t even matter.  I’m just trying to live.  I’m just here.  But I want to be more than that.  I want to be loved.  I want to be cherished.  I want to be invited.  I want to be sought out.  I want to be asked.  I want to be chased.  And I want to matter.

Or I could just run away.

Or I could just disappear.

Fell For You

Maybe I fell in love with you the very first day
The 14th of February, when we decided to go out after work
Joking that it was our first date because it was the international day of love

I could have sat across from you for hours
Talking about cars and music and God
But instead I left you early, realizing we were kindred spirits

Maybe it was when you brought my favorite candy to work with you
Saying I could only have it if I promised to stay
Even though you knew that I wouldn’t

It could have been the night we watched Netflix in your room and I fell asleep
And you did too, until I begged you to take me home
And you joked the next day that you’d tell people we slept together

It was probably the night I brought over my guitar
But instead of my music making you fall in love
We told stories of life and death and why we believe what we believe

After that I thought I’d never get over you
Even though I wasn’t convinced I was under you
Struck with the knowledge that there was still someone else

There’s always a possibility that I fell for you the night I asked you about her
And you were so broken and ashamed, even when you didn’t need to be
We drove around for an hour while you asked me what I wanted in a guy, knowing it could never be you

I fell in love when you helped me to breathe again
Even though it meant I had to leave again
While you stayed behind

I knew I was a goner when you told me you’d promised yourself you wouldn’t kiss me
And you didn’t
You ran away instead

My footing was slipping when you said you’d been thinking
That I might be worth trying
Then you changed the rules because you believed I was worth more than this

My heart hit the ground the night you actually did kiss me
Okay with not going too far
Because I’d never been there with a guy before

I was soaring high when it happened again
And we sat on your bed talking about all of our impossibilities
And how they could be possible if only things were different

And then I came crashing down
The possibility of you leaving two months too soon had never occurred to me
And the idea of you being gone forever is just too much for me

So I’ve decided that I never fell for you at all
And that I write an awful lot about love for someone who’s never experienced it
Because maybe I still don’t believe in it

Even though what I feel for you is different than I’ve ever felt before
I’d never tell you so
Because I don’t love you, not at all

Dig a Little Deeper

I should probably choose where I find my identity
Because it’s possible that I’ve found it more in the words that spill from my pen
Than in him who put them there in the first place

And maybe I’m just angry
Angry with him because of his people
Even though I’m one too

So even if the largest part of who I am is rooted in who he is
I deny it within myself
Because those who claim it break me more than anyone else

I found myself in the darkness
And I found him there with me
But he never meant for me to stay there

It’s in the light that this is all revealed
It’s the light that makes me want to run away

Because although it is in his light that I am made whole
It’s also in his light that I am exposed
And anytime I am seen it is distorted so that no one knows who I really am

Do I even know who I really am?
I think that I’m this broken mess
I think I need to pour everything out in ink, because I don’t have anything left to give

But who am I really?
Wasn’t I made whole?
Am I not something more than a beautiful disaster?

There must be more
So maybe I should dig a little deeper
I feel that I’ve been on this journey for so long
But maybe it’s just begun