Books I Read in January 2019

I’m trying to get into the habit of reading more, and so far I’ve done well. I subscribed to Book of the Month Club, and I’ve really like what they’ve delivered.

These are the books I read in January:

Photo courtesy of Amazon

I only bought this book because it was $3 at Books a Million. You Should Have Known was about a therapist who believed that she could see if a relationship was doomed from the start. She wrote a book telling women that all of the problems in their relationship or issues that their male partners had were evidenced from the beginning. Her books is about to be published and she’s planning a book tour when a mother at her son’s private school is murdered and her husband disappears. She soon realizes that she had it all wrong and that her husband was not who she thought he was, and she changes her whole life. I thought the main character seemed a little clueless at the beginning, but this book turned out to be more than I expected.

Picture from Amazon.com

I got Bleak Harbor on my kindle for free from Amazon First Reads. These books are usually hit or miss. This story specifically was confusing. The premise of the story was really intriguing; a woman’s autistic 15 year old went missing right before his 16th birthday. The whole book is spent trying to find him and figure out who took him. Every time it seemed like they had the answer, something else would come to light. The ending had such a twist. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend Bleak Harbor, but it wasn’t the worst book.

Picture from Amazon.com

The Woman in the Window was my first book from Book of the Month, and by far my favorite of the month. Apparently it is coming out as a movie this year, so I’ll definitely be going to see it. The premise is similar to Rear Window, a woman stays inside her house and watches her neighbors. However, she stays inside because she is agoraphobic. She is convinced that she witnessed a crime across the street, but no one believes her and she wonders if she’s going crazy. This book had so many twists and turns and I was sucked in the entire time.

Image from Amazon.com

I also got The Silent Patient from Book of the Month. It started out a little slow, but picked up pace, and the story was was never going where I thought it was. A talented artist murders her husband and goes silent, and she ends up in a mental hospital. The narrator is a therapist who is intrigued by the case and wants to help her. He gets hired at the hospital with hopes of getting her to break her silence. This book was so crazy, but so good.

What books did you read this month?

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2019- A Year For Words

I used to read a lot. And I used to read quickly. I devoured words and had so much inspiration to spin more. But I’ve been distracted for so long. I go through phases, but I don’t want reading and inspiration to be just a faze. So I’m going to try to make 2019 a year for reading, a year for words.

I made a decision that I’ve been thinking about for a long time. I decided to sign up for Book of the Month. This means I’ll at least read one book a month.

I tried last year to do the Amazon First Reads on my Kindle, but I just don’t like reading on my kindle very much. It’s useful for school books and for traveling, but there’s just something about real books with pages I can turn. I can see how close to the end I am getting. And the pages don’t make my eyes as tired.

I’ve also decided that if I don’t like a book, I’m not going to kill myself trying to finish it. That’s what makes reading so exhausting. Not every writing style is as easy for me to read. Everyone likes what they like.

I’m going to do my best to do what I like. Because for a while now I haven’t been doing what I like. I haven’t been doing that many things that make me happy. Alabama has not made me happy. It’s time that I start taking care of myself through and through, starting with reading again.

Carrying On

I don’t want to read anything.  It’s all just become words on a page, or on a screen, and can only catch my eye for a few moments before all interest flickers away.  But I want to be interested.  I want to be informed.  I want to be enlightened.  I want to be refreshed.

I don’t feel like eating anything.  Even though my body needs sustenance.  I find myself abstaining, but not entirely.  I’ve just lost my appetite.  Food makes me sick.  I make myself sick.

I haven’t written anything.  Where did my meaning go?  I know that I have to have something left.  I am not lost.  I am not broken.  I will carry on.

Because that’s what you do.  That’s what I do.  Carrying on is always worth it. There is always something better just around the corner.  So even if everything doesn’t seem like it’s going the way I want it to; even if I’m stressed down to my core, I will carry on.  I will make it through.  Because I always have before.

It’s all gone now

I sometimes wonder if we’re even friends anymore.  It seems that every time I reach out you put up a wall, like maybe I’m not good enough for you anymore.  It makes me wonder if my burden became too much to carry, and you decided it was too hard to be close to me.  Or even worse, that when it became easy you realized you weren’t up for the challenge.

You say I give up too easily, but I don’t want to keep trying anymore.  I will always give up.  If there is no evident end in sight, if there is no positive outcome, why should I keep going.  If I call out your name, if I show up in front of you, I feel like more of an annoyance than anything.  I tried to be transparent, but it’s like I’ve made myself invisible.

I don’t know how to open my mouth to tell you words that are weighing me down.  I never see you anymore, I can’t feel you anymore, and whenever I’m invited along, it’s when you know I can never come.  I’ll never be there.  You’ll never be there.  We are on opposite sides of the spectrum, heading in the same direction, but parallel so we’ll never actually meet.  And this might be too sad.

I know sometimes you read me like a book, but you’ll never realize the lines I’ve written are for you.  I need you to remember me again.  I need you to notice me again, because sometimes you were the only hope I lived for.  And I know I should never live for you, that I never really could live for you, because you give me nothing and I am nothing to you.  I know you would never live for me.  But I can hope.  I had hope.  And it’s all gone now.