Trust

Trust.  It’s something I’ve talked about a lot.  I’ve talked about moving across the country and trusting God that it’s the right decision.  I’ve talked about how scary trust is sometimes.  I’ve probably talked about trusting people.  But I was recently confronted with a realization.

A close friend tried to promise something and I said I wouldn’t hold them to that.  They asked if I trusted them.  I told them that I was fairly certain I didn’t know what trust is.

And maybe that’s true.  That I don’t know what trust is.

Trust is defined as the “belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength” of someone or something.  It means to “have faith or confidence.”

Such a simple definition for such a huge concept.

Trusting God is hard, but it’s also the best decision, because he already knows the outcome.  Trusting a bridge when you cross it makes sense, because you’ve crossed it before, it has been crossed a thousand times.  We trust what we know.  We trust what makes sense.  We trust what we’ve experienced before.

But trusting people?  I’m pretty sure I forgot how to do that a long time ago.  Because people are forever changing.  If I look at my own life, a year and a half ago, I had no idea that I’d be living so far from where I grew up.  I didn’t know that I’d be starting my life over.  I didn’t realize that I would suddenly become an unknown.  So anyone who trusted that I would stay in Mammoth, or in California, or at least on the western side of the country ended up having their trust broken.
People have their own agendas.  So being close to someone, trusting someone, is one of the easiest ways to be let down in the long run.  As soon as my heart calls me somewhere else, I’ll probably leave, so if anyone comes too close, I’ll let them down.  And every time I am somewhere new, or around new people, I’m an exciting person, because I don’t really fit into any regular mold.  I am constantly surprising.  However, after a while, that gets old too.

I recently told someone that it’s better to be hated than to be passively ignored and forgotten.  Not a lot of people hate me.  But a lot have gotten over me.  That’s one of the things that I can really trust.

Sure, go ahead and prove me wrong.  I mean, it’s fine.  I’m fine.  I’m pretty much just over all the false promises.  And I fully understand that no one does this on purpose.  You can’t know the future when you say something in the present.
I promise to never promise something again.  Trust me.

Heavy

Heavy
That’s what it is
Something deep within this soul
That doesn’t want to wake up yet

It feels like revival
In this room
Ready to break this heaviness
But with a fear that they’ll see
This brokenness within

Hidden is the easiest way to go on
Yet he never promised easy
He promised dreams coming to life
Fruition and adventure
There’s no turning back now

You’ve walked on the water
Now quit looking at your feet
Or you’ll only see that you are sinking
You’re not sinking
This is only the beginning
Are you ready to make a life here?

I Need to Remember

I need to remember how you broke me
Into pieces
Throwing me off the deep end
Only to be brought in with the tide
Brought back to you

I need to remember how  you asked for my heart
Only to hold it too tightly
Crushing it in your palm
Letting the dust blow away in the wind

I need to remember your empty promises
Your lies
Your forgetfulness
Every moment you denied the moment before

But instead I’ll remember mornings
Wrapped in your arms
Leaving you at an hour that no one wants to be awake
And you’re never even angry at me
For waking you up
For holding you close
For keeping you warm
You were my winter

Instead I’ll remember spending too much on dinner
Being too full to move
And too full on life to care

I’ll remember drunken kisses
And drunken conversations
And drunken mistakes
Because for a while, every moment was drunken

I’ll remember loving you
I’ll remember losing myself in you
Trying to leave you again and again
Until this final goodbye
Where you’ll be left behind

Because you’re worth a lot
Just not enough
To let go of my dreams
Only to hold you closer
As you hold me down

So I’ll try to remember your brokenness
That broke me
Rather than everything else
That has made me whole

11pm

You are fickle
Inconsistent
Asking only for what I can’t give you
Forgetful
Always breaking promises
While it’s always my fault

You make me feel bad
About my schedule
Because what I do doesn’t matter to you
Unless you’re there with me
Spending the night
Not even seeing what is right in front of us

I am worried that I’m not the only one
That I will spread myself too thing
Only to find there was never enough of you to go around
Losing out to someone better
Feeling forever inferior
Although I am superior
To who you think I am

I am not the girl
Who you can call at 11pm
On random nights
Expecting me to come over
Because you’re a little drunk
When you’ve never seen me in the daylight

I am not the girl
That you can use
Again and again
Saying you want something more
Your words never matching your actions

And I wonder
Because I gave in once
Have I given in forever?

I want more
I want what you promised
I want sushi and drinks and snow when I wake up
I want  your arms to be my arms
Your heart to be my heart
I want to trust you with everything
But I can’t
And I have nothing for you anyway

Yet I still want you
While I beg for nothing at all
You’ll never find me on my knees
I’ll never come crawling back
Until you ask

Because maybe I want to be used for a little while
Maybe it’s nice to be wanted
As long as I know I don’t need you
I’ll answer your 11pm calls
Your 1am come overs
Your 9am goodbyes
Doing my best to leave you wanting