As a Planner

As a planner, let me tell you a little something about plans
They change
And that might sound a little strange
Maybe as you’re hearing this you’re thinking, “this girl does not have her life together”
And that might be partly true
But in the best way possible, I have learned to just. let. go.

See, I knew where I was going to college three years before I enrolled
As for actually having a clue, I was at the top of the polls
So when the sands of time began to shift, I refused to acknowledge them
And I. began. to sink.

I would hold onto failed relationships, because I said they were forever
I would hold onto my future, even as I watched it crumble
I couldn’t dare let someone see me stumble
I was nothing, without my word

Every change made me feel like a liar
I became unable to promise anything at all
I began. to fall. apart.

Broken in pieces from my crash landing, somehow, I was found
They picked me up, helped me pull myself together, put my feet back on the ground
I became brave, strong, and full of ambition
Not sure who I would be or where I would go, my plans changing every minute

Eventually, time caught up with me, and I realized this was no way to live
It was time to dream again, plan again, do again
So I thought, and I prayed, and I thought, and I prayed, and I figured out a direction for my life
I would work, save, and move around, instead of settling down and becoming someone’s wife

But work started and my heart grew uneasy
I watched my life fall apart again
Calamity struck my family in a way I couldn’t ignore
And I knew the only thing I could do was open a new door
And just. be. there.

Living 45 minutes from my childhood home isn’t somewhere I ever wanted to be
Not knowing what is next sure doesn’t sound like me
I was the girl, forever looking forward, never dwelling in the present
But now, instead of worry, stress, and fret, I am simply content

So plans usually change
But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t make them
Don’t pull away, or forget who you are, just remind yourself to remember
That things rarely end up as we expected
But we can still keep our expectations high

What Comes Next

If you know me at all, you’ll know that I’ve been stressing about my future for over a year now.  Last summer I had no idea I would be where I am this summer, and I had no idea life would be the way it is right now.  Six months ago I was certain I would be in Portland, and thought that my not knowing what I would do there or how I would survive was me trusting God.  But I was so terrified.  I worried constantly that I was doing the wrong thing or making some mistake or missing something somehow.  I thought that maybe my uncertainty stemmed out of the fact that, from the age of 15, I knew what college I was going to, so I never worried about my future until it suddenly crept up on me.

So when my Portland plans got smashed earlier this summer, when I quit my job and moved back to where I grew up, I thought that maybe I was losing my mind. I figured I would be here for a little bit and then leave.  But now that I’m here, I think I’m staying for a while.  The camp I’ve been living and working at just finished its last camp of the summer.  I’m only contracted to stay here until September, and I don’t know what comes next.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to find another job and another place to live, or if I’ll have to go back to my parents.  I have no idea where my life is going.  But you know what?  I am content.

I’m not really stressed about the future.  The only thing that is really stressing me is settling.  I’m afraid to settle, but maybe that’s what I need right now.  It’s weird to think how peaceful I am not knowing.  My life is God’s.