Out of the Present

I find myself often dreaming about the future.  Keeping it in the front of my mind.  Daydreaming; focusing all my attention.  Because the present isn’t something that I like to live in.  

I find myself often remembering the past.  I tell stories about the good times, how good it used to be.  Because it used to be so damn good.  And I took it so for granted.  

My heart carries all of the bad times.  My heart carries all of the hard times.  My heart dwells in its own pain, even when I try not to.  

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Anti Permanence

I’m in that state again.  You know, that state.  I poured out too much of myself.  And now I’m just done.  Hopefully just for a little while.

I decided to play through some old songs.  Songs I wrote when I was nineteen.  Songs from that time in my life.  And it made me think.  It’s always dangerous to think too deep, maybe.  I started to think about the people who used to be in my life.  All the people I’ve talked about forever with.  And it makes me think about how there is no forever.  Or there is an eternity.  So maybe I’ll see them again.  But not in this life.  Not now.

I took a nap.  I only take naps when my mind is in it’s current state.  That state.  And when I wake up I usually feel worse.  It makes me want to sleep forever.  And really, how much easier would it be to sleep forever?  It’s one of my dreams in life.  To sleep forever.
But I know that I’ll get up tomorrow and be fine.  I’m always fine.  And in my transient lifestyle, with my anti permanent friendships, relationships, and homes, always being fine will always be permanent.  In the ups and downs, I will always be okay.  I don’t even have anything deep to say right now.

This isn’t quality.  I’m not quality right now.  I joked earlier today about quantity versus quality.  Right now, I feel like neither.  Because my mind is in that state.  But.  But.  That state isn’t a permanent one.  My life has lacked permanence.  And right now, I choose to be thankful for it.  As I’ll get out of this too.

Flow

In her persecution she loses herself
Forgetting all that made her sanctuary
All that kept her pure
For something that could never keep her here

Desperate for recognition
Searching for love in too many places
Using and being used until there is nothing left
She is dried up

A river bed
Crying out for its stream
A trickle of distant past
Can she remember?

She once flowed freely
Never expecting to be captured
Bottled up
With no clue as to what is actually being held

Yet she’ll hold on
Not sure how she plans on letting go
Though her waterfall escape is inevitable
She’ll remember herself again

Stars, Like Dreams

Stars, like dreams, are something quite different than they might seem
They come out at night, pinholes in the sky
They promise to lead us toward the truth
Yet constantly distract us with little, white lies

Because stars aren’t pinholes
They are a million miles away
Unreachable
Unattainable
Flaming balls of fire that we find oh so beautiful
That we’ll never stop trying

Stars are always present
Pictures of the past
Promises of the future
Though they often go unseen
As the city lights around us drown out the stories above the skyline
While our dreams get lost somewhere in the byline
In chasing them we forget to read all of the guidelines
So here we are, on our knees again

Stars, like dreams, are larger than life
We pick our favorite to keep us warm in the morning
Looking for meaning in the smallest details
Keeping us up at night

Stars, like dreams, give us something to wish on
As we lose sight of the vision
Forgetting to keep moving our feet
Thinking we’ll get there if we just keep our eyes open

But sometimes, on summer nights
Stars, like dreams, are something to look forward to
So grab your blanket
I’ll go stargazing with you

Racecar Excuses

I want to blame it on my tired eyes
My racecar excuses that sound just like lies
But I am seeing you in a new light
Wondering if I’m seeing right

It will always be easier to lie to you
Because everyone always lies with a smile
And really I can’t tell you the truth
Because I’d like you to stick around for a while

In whatever capacity this lasts
Don’t become just a part of my past
Be in my future
Not the whole thing, but still be there

I wish I could show what my eyes see
Or maybe I need to get my vision checked
Take your eyes out, go blind toward me
Because I can’t bear this light anymore

Could your ears take my voice
Not just hear the music, but the words that I’m saying
This rhythm gives you a choice
Even if you’re going, I’m staying

But I’m not standing around waiting for you
I’ve closed that door
Left it behind me
But don’t you dare call me a bore

I have bigger things I’m doing here
I am moving, growing, changing atmospheres
But that’s not something you’d understand
I don’t need you to hold my hand

I am climbing this mountain on my own
This summit is my own accomplishment
You can’t take this credit
For my freedom