Drought

Give me the words
Because I can’t seem to find them
Where they used to pour out of me
Like an overwhelming stream
It’s like my river has gone dry

Please tell me this drought is only temporary
Tell me there is more to come
Tell me that if the seasons are changing
This next one will be spring
Because I need something new

My soul is thirsting for a new kind of peace
But after all the battering and bruising
I think I’ve forgotten how to trust what peace feels like anymore
So I’ve allowed myself to just stay on the floor
This turmoil swirling around me
Coming out of me

This time I’m not running away
I’m running to
It’s time that I start chasing what I was made for
I’m not going to let any of this hold me back anymore

I am at the cusp of a new beginning
My bones are shaking in anticipation
I can feel it
I can feel it
And even in my fear
I may as well dive in head first

Nothing can stop me now
Soon I will be filled again

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Because it’s a new year

I realize that I may have forgotten to acknowledge that it is no longer 2014.  It’s a new year, so maybe I should reflect.

A year ago, I had dreams.  I was not a drifter, and I had plan for where I was going.  I was going to finish a book, graduate college, move to Portland, and be an adult, finally.  I have done one of those things.  I graduated college in May, and if you follow my blog at all, you’ll know that everything changed.  I ended up moving to Mammoth, and I’m still here… I haven’t even written anything for my book in months.  And I feel like I’m somehow still stuck in high school.  It’s time for me to move on.

I’m currently working two jobs, neither of which I hate, but both of which are sucking the life out of me.  One of these jobs pays the bills, the other doesn’t pay me, but allows me to work for my rent.  So basically, I can’t quit either unless I either find a new place to live, or suddenly have no bills and no need to eat ever.
I’m slowly being welcomed into some sort of community here, and I realize more and more that I don’t belong.
Something has to change, or I won’t survive.
I always talk about living the dream, and for a while maybe I was, but I don’t know whose dream it was.  I want more than this.  I want none of this.  I want to be happy.

I am so good at running away.  And I know I’m on the verge of another quick flight.  But if only someone could understand.  I am so much more than unhappy right now.  I am in such a dark place, but there is so much perceived light that maybe I never would have noticed.  I don’t really know that I’m necessarily broken right now, but I know that something just isn’t right.

So maybe I should set a goal or two.  As soon as I come back from Costa Rica I’m going to start saving.  And I’m going to adventure when school is done.  I’m going to drive across America a little bit and find a place to settle.  I’m going to be a bridesmaid in Hannah’s wedding.  I’m going to go to Europe.  And I am going to find myself.  Because I should be important too.

The Reality of Growing Up and Learning to Say “No”

I am an adult, and almost fully fledged.  That’s weird to think about, since I’m still in school, I can’t cook, and I don’t fully know what to do with life.  But I guess I ask the same questions as most 21 year olds.

I was at a church Christmas dinner for a church in Mammoth that I visit with my brother when I’m around.  He goes most weeks, and knows most of the people there.  I know virtually no one there, and I don’t do well in social situations when I don’t know anyone.  I get extremely uncomfortable at parties, except small ones in people’s homes, unless I have one person that I can spend the time with so I don’t feel friendless in a sea of unknown faces.

Last night I got my food before the rest of the people I came with and, even though I had asked them to find us seats, was forced to awkwardly stand around until one of them had food so we could sit down.  I don’t choose seats on my own, because I don’t want some stranger to sit next to me.  People like the people I was with last night try to force me talk to people that I’m not comfortable with, and they try to leave me by myself or force me to make friends.  I get that I’m an adult and I should be able to talk to people, but when you’re in a new place where everyone else seems to know each other, how the hell are you supposed to feel welcome?  This is how parties are for me.  This is how most churches are for me.  And it makes me think about how other people must feel visiting church, especially when they don’t know Jesus, or are new to Christ.

I spent my entire semester in one of my classes talking about hospitality and welcoming people.  I am not a very welcoming person in my nature because I don’t feel comfortable with new people and I’m not good at making small talk, but I know that’s just the introvert in me.  But how often do we go the easy route and stick with our friends rather than finding the person who obviously is alone and obviously doesn’t know what they’re doing or feel like they belong?  It might be a little early for New Year’s resolutions, but I want to learn how to welcome the stranger, in my own way.  I know that I’m no good at making small talk, but I have tons of friends who are.  I can be the introducer.  Sure, I may be forgotten in the introduction, but usually that’s what I prefer anyway.

I get invited to parties and hang outs and outings every so often, and usually I feel an obligation to say yes.  Sometimes it sounds fun.  Sometimes it doesn’t, but I end up having fun.  Sometimes I go and instantly regret it and feel miserable the entire time.  Actually, that’s what seems to happen most of the time.  But, I’m an adult; shouldn’t I know what I like?  So, my other New Year’s resolution might be practicing the art of saying “no.”  I don’t have to go to every event, especially the ones I hate.  I am allowed to hang out at home, and only go the parties that involve a movie and close friends who may or may not bring their own friends.  And storytelling parties of course…

Last night one of the people who took me to the party asked me what I’m going to do in Portland if I don’t know anyone.  How am I going to survive there?  This made me question my entire life.  I can’t go anywhere on my own!  But, I’m an adult, and yes I can.  I spent last summer in Eureka, without really knowing anyone before I got there.  They welcomed me and didn’t make me feel like an outsider.  I felt like I belonged.  And I know that that can happen anywhere.  If I’m making the right decision, the decision God is leading me in, then He’ll put me where I belong.

Some New Years Resolutions (Or Challenges, rather)

What a way to start off the new year
With a somewhat broken heart
Maybe I was crushed into a hundred pieces
Maybe I was torn apart

I think I’ll end my susceptibility to boys with good hair and a dark sense of humour.
I think I’ll stop my inability to trust
I think I’ll learn a little vulnerability, maybe learn to love
I think I’ll start letting my past crumble, old like rust

This year I’ll climb a mountain
This year I’ll hike Half Dome
This year I’ll run a little more
This year I’ll find a home.

I’ll stop running away
I’ll chase God with everything I’ve got
I’ll accept friendships
I’ll leave behind me everything I’m not

This year will be different
This year will be great
This year I’ll let go
This year I’ll find a new fate

Stop Worrying

Honestly.  Just stop it.  It’s 2012 now, I don’t really get a choice about whether I want to see it or not now, it’s already here and I’ve already seen it.

I don’t really know that I have any new year’s resolutions, I’ve never made one before.  I usually just change things in my life as they go, I suck at making goals for myself.  I never know what goals to set.  Maybe to survive and thrive.

I feel like I’m in trouble.  A ridiculous amount of people suddenly is taking notice in me.  It’s funny how, when I reach the end of my rope, then someone decides to realize that I may be in trouble.  But I’m not in trouble.  Anything that happens is my own fault.  The fact that I am a messed up individual is my own fault.  My depression, my suicidal tendencies, I own them, they’re my fault.

So, sorry for once again being an inconvenience by causing worry.  I have said before that I’m not worth worrying over, and that’s not going to change.  I have to change myself.  I have to let God change me.  I have given Him my life, now it’s time that I give Him my death, and everything in between.

2012, be happy, be full, be new, be Jesus.  JUST BE.