2019- A Year For Words

I used to read a lot. And I used to read quickly. I devoured words and had so much inspiration to spin more. But I’ve been distracted for so long. I go through phases, but I don’t want reading and inspiration to be just a faze. So I’m going to try to make 2019 a year for reading, a year for words.

I made a decision that I’ve been thinking about for a long time. I decided to sign up for Book of the Month. This means I’ll at least read one book a month.

I tried last year to do the Amazon First Reads on my Kindle, but I just don’t like reading on my kindle very much. It’s useful for school books and for traveling, but there’s just something about real books with pages I can turn. I can see how close to the end I am getting. And the pages don’t make my eyes as tired.

I’ve also decided that if I don’t like a book, I’m not going to kill myself trying to finish it. That’s what makes reading so exhausting. Not every writing style is as easy for me to read. Everyone likes what they like.

I’m going to do my best to do what I like. Because for a while now I haven’t been doing what I like. I haven’t been doing that many things that make me happy. Alabama has not made me happy. It’s time that I start taking care of myself through and through, starting with reading again.

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The Reality of Growing Up and Learning to Say “No”

I am an adult, and almost fully fledged.  That’s weird to think about, since I’m still in school, I can’t cook, and I don’t fully know what to do with life.  But I guess I ask the same questions as most 21 year olds.

I was at a church Christmas dinner for a church in Mammoth that I visit with my brother when I’m around.  He goes most weeks, and knows most of the people there.  I know virtually no one there, and I don’t do well in social situations when I don’t know anyone.  I get extremely uncomfortable at parties, except small ones in people’s homes, unless I have one person that I can spend the time with so I don’t feel friendless in a sea of unknown faces.

Last night I got my food before the rest of the people I came with and, even though I had asked them to find us seats, was forced to awkwardly stand around until one of them had food so we could sit down.  I don’t choose seats on my own, because I don’t want some stranger to sit next to me.  People like the people I was with last night try to force me talk to people that I’m not comfortable with, and they try to leave me by myself or force me to make friends.  I get that I’m an adult and I should be able to talk to people, but when you’re in a new place where everyone else seems to know each other, how the hell are you supposed to feel welcome?  This is how parties are for me.  This is how most churches are for me.  And it makes me think about how other people must feel visiting church, especially when they don’t know Jesus, or are new to Christ.

I spent my entire semester in one of my classes talking about hospitality and welcoming people.  I am not a very welcoming person in my nature because I don’t feel comfortable with new people and I’m not good at making small talk, but I know that’s just the introvert in me.  But how often do we go the easy route and stick with our friends rather than finding the person who obviously is alone and obviously doesn’t know what they’re doing or feel like they belong?  It might be a little early for New Year’s resolutions, but I want to learn how to welcome the stranger, in my own way.  I know that I’m no good at making small talk, but I have tons of friends who are.  I can be the introducer.  Sure, I may be forgotten in the introduction, but usually that’s what I prefer anyway.

I get invited to parties and hang outs and outings every so often, and usually I feel an obligation to say yes.  Sometimes it sounds fun.  Sometimes it doesn’t, but I end up having fun.  Sometimes I go and instantly regret it and feel miserable the entire time.  Actually, that’s what seems to happen most of the time.  But, I’m an adult; shouldn’t I know what I like?  So, my other New Year’s resolution might be practicing the art of saying “no.”  I don’t have to go to every event, especially the ones I hate.  I am allowed to hang out at home, and only go the parties that involve a movie and close friends who may or may not bring their own friends.  And storytelling parties of course…

Last night one of the people who took me to the party asked me what I’m going to do in Portland if I don’t know anyone.  How am I going to survive there?  This made me question my entire life.  I can’t go anywhere on my own!  But, I’m an adult, and yes I can.  I spent last summer in Eureka, without really knowing anyone before I got there.  They welcomed me and didn’t make me feel like an outsider.  I felt like I belonged.  And I know that that can happen anywhere.  If I’m making the right decision, the decision God is leading me in, then He’ll put me where I belong.

Some New Years Resolutions (Or Challenges, rather)

What a way to start off the new year
With a somewhat broken heart
Maybe I was crushed into a hundred pieces
Maybe I was torn apart

I think I’ll end my susceptibility to boys with good hair and a dark sense of humour.
I think I’ll stop my inability to trust
I think I’ll learn a little vulnerability, maybe learn to love
I think I’ll start letting my past crumble, old like rust

This year I’ll climb a mountain
This year I’ll hike Half Dome
This year I’ll run a little more
This year I’ll find a home.

I’ll stop running away
I’ll chase God with everything I’ve got
I’ll accept friendships
I’ll leave behind me everything I’m not

This year will be different
This year will be great
This year I’ll let go
This year I’ll find a new fate