Me Too

You know when you’re certain something isn’t going to happen, because every time it could have happened; every time you thought it might happen; every time your heart made peace with it happening it didn’t happen?
But then at the time when you least expect it, when you’re thousands of miles away with not much money and only a frustrating phone call to go on, it happens?
Me too.

You know when you spend months planning, in innocence, half-heartedly fighting something; giving up and moving on, then accidentally giving in?
Every time you turn away and say no more something within you rebels and you know you’ll give in again, most nights?
Me too.

You know when you make conscious decisions to change your being for the better, making an effort to leave it all behind you?
But then something is destroyed and you discover that you brought it all with you anyway?
Me too.

You know when the crowd is constantly standing in ovation, while your heart, though elated, is still sunk in grief, and no one understands because you hide it well, so you find yourself sitting in a sea of standing bodies?
Me too.

But, you know when all you know has been uprooted, when you find yourself wallowing, when you feel more numb than you’ve ever been?
But you are loved anyway?  You are accepted anyway?  You are forgiven anyway?
Me too.

Staying Put

(I seem to write a lot of blogs in airports)

I just spent a week in California.  I flew into Reno last Monday and got to spend one day in Mammoth, my home, before venturing onward to Crescent City to be a part of an old friend’s wedding.  Back in Alabama, I was so excited for this trip, and everyone kept telling me to enjoy my vacation.  But I knew it wasn’t a vacation.  I don’t remember how to vacation.  I’ve forgotten how to rest.

My day in Mammoth I tried to run around and see people, but instead was monopolized by someone who cannot have my heart.  I had dinner with my parents.  It’s too hard when your minutes are too few.
My best friend and I drove to her parents’ house near San Jose on Wednesday, and onward to Crescent City, up at the top of the state, on Thursday.  We went to straight into Bachelorette party mode.  We drank and it was loud and I was tired.  Already drained, before anything had even begun.  My heart had been left behind me.
Friday we ran around picking flowers and finding teapots and books for bouquets and center pieces.  It never occurred to me that all of this wouldn’t be done before the day before the wedding.  My heart wasn’t there, I had left it behind me.  I was drained.  But weddings will never be about the bridesmaids, and it was so important that I do everything I can to make the day and all the preparations go smoothly.  I think I had forgotten what I was getting myself into.
The wedding day my dress was too long.  There were bugs and heat, and then sudden coldness, so I wore a sweater to the reception.  The bride was beautiful.  She is so in love, and there is no doubt that Josh is the one for her.  She has wanted this for so long.  But I simultaneously drank too much and not enough.  My heart was not there.  I lost it somewhere.
Yesterday my best friend and I drove 10 hours to be back to Mammoth so I could go to Lighthouse and see the people I hadn’t gotten to see yet.  However, after the whole day, the whole week, I didn’t want to see anyone.  I’m out of money and I haven’t eaten and all I wanted was to sleep, but there were things to be done.
I saw who I could, but left before any real conversations were had.  I got picked up for dinner by the one who has my heart, but was too tired to function.  Waking up with my memory erased.

I don’t regret this trip, but I regret this trip.  I regret coming home too soon.  I need to find my heart and drag it to Alabama with me.  I think it’s time that I stay put.  God keeps saying, “Stay put.”
I want to plan more trips, but I’m never going to be happy and rested in my travels if I keep trying to do everything all the time.  I want my life to be an adventure, but it’s time to learn to adventure where I live first.  Start small.  Embrace your reality.

So I told the one who has my hear to give it back.  I won’t be visiting anymore.  Not until I have someone to visit with.  Not until I’m healthy enough to be who I was, versus who I am.

Because I don’t have a drinking problem, but when I drink, I drink a lot.
I don’t have a drug problem, but if someone’s offering, I’ll accept.
I don’t have a guy problem, but my heart latches onto anyone who will let it.
I don’t have a money problem, but I forgot that moving to a different culture means adjusting to a different budget.
I don’t have an eating disorder, but it’s really hard to eat when your heart beats for someone else.

I keep finding all the ways that I am broken.  But in reality, I am one whole person.  We all have a story.  Maybe someday I’ll be able to share all of mine.  Maybe someday I’ll be able to be completely honest about why my heart is still broken, rather than broken again.  But until then, here’s one piece.  Just one more piece.

I’m breaking up with California.  I’m ready to be freed.

Risky Business

Almost two months ago I did something crazy and I packed up my life and moved across the country. At that time I didn’t know what was awaiting me here in Alabama.  A lot of people couldn’t understand why I would move to the south.  They said I was going backwards, usually people move west, not east.  They couldn’t picture me somewhere with no mountains or snow, where the weather is hot and humid, and most people speak with a drawl.  But I did it.  I followed my heart.  I followed a voice that had spoken to me a world away.

I keep telling myself not to wonder what I have done.  I left behind a great job.  I left behind friends and family and a place that my heart has beat for for so long.  I left behind horrifying relationships and mistakes, but mistakes can always be undone without the need to run.  I left behind comfort.  I wasn’t alone there, although I always could be if I wanted to be.  I left behind familiarity.  I left behind a community that I didn’t even know existed.  Most of the time I could pick up my phone and find someone to go out with me or do something.

I keep forgetting that this isn’t summer camp, or college, or high school.  Close friendships aren’t built overnight, or in a week.  So my loneliness kinda comes with the territory.  Of course I don’t have everything that I left behind.  Of course I spend 90% of my time away from work alone.  Yes, I could have stayed behind and wondered about Alabama.  But I would probably be even more miserable there.  This is my home now. And there is a community here, although I haven’t fully tapped into it yet.  I’ve been told that the first three months are the hardest anywhere.  Well, I’m halfway there.

If I could go back, I’m sure I would have made the same choice to move when I did.  I may even have made it sooner.  Sure, my job here doesn’t pay as well, and I have far less to do.  But the cost of living is lower.  And I have so much more space.  Plus, a job is a job.  I keep getting emails from other companies about my resume, so maybe I’ll move on up in the world.

I have never been so alone.  But I won’t let myself feel alone.  This is just an opportunity to watch my life unfold.  In a year, I’ll probably look back at this and laugh.  I’ve been looking back a lot lately.  Maybe it’s time to start looking forward.

Mistakes?

See it falling
Crashing
Burning
Around her

Everything
She thought she knew
Everything
She once held on to

It is all finished
It’s over now
As her back begins to turn
Her face in the wrong direction

Walking steadily
Until something grabs on to her
Again
She needs to be captivated

Captured by her own mind
Her own mistakes sent her sprawling
Though are they mistakes
If they are purposeful?

Alabamily

I haven’t done this in a while.  Just stopped and let my thoughts flow here.  So maybe it’s time to do that again.

Last September I went to Ireland on a trip that changed my life.  While there, I felt God calling me elsewhere.  I felt like he was saying Florence.
I came back to Mammoth with no definite place to live, but found myself stuck in a lease with my brother instead.  I thought I would move in a month or two, felt my heart screaming at me to get out.  But instead, we couldn’t find a roommate to take my place, and I settled.  And then the snow got good, so I decided to stay a little bit longer.  I became someone I’m not.

I went to LA and spent some time with some old friends.  One of them gave me the wise advice to pick a date and go with it.  So I did.  I chose March 15th, and I was all ready to move then.  Until everyone around started dragging me down.  Until everyone around me had their own opinion.  Until everyone around me couldn’t understand why I could move to a Southern state, a “less progressive” state, a humid state.  How could that ever be home?  I honestly don’t know.  I just know what my heart says.  With every beat, it says get out.  Get out.  Get out.  Get out of Mammoth.  Get out of California.  Get out of this stagnant life you have let consume you.  What the hell are you still doing here?

I started doing things that have dragged me down.  I started spending time with people who I have allowed to change who I am.  I have all but cut ties with the people that I love here.  I let someone have my heart who definitely doesn’t deserve it, but that’s always the case anyway.
I feel torn.  I feel pulled in a thousand directions.  I feel like my life is out of control, as if I don’t get a say anymore.  My mom kept telling me how I need to save more money.  My brother wants me to stay longer so he can have more time to find a roommate, because he’s being picky.  My manager wants me to stay because he doesn’t want to find a replacement.  My new friends want me to stay longer because we can hang longer.
But what about what is right for me?  What about my life?  Where is it going?  Am I still holding onto something that is broken?  Because it feels as though my hands have been sliced open and are dripping blood.

I might be past my breaking point again.  I think I’m done here.  I probably should have left a while ago.
I need to find an Alabamily.  I need there to be something ahead of me again.
Because I’ve forgotten who I was.  I’ve been ignoring my soul.  I’ve been ignoring God.  I’ve made mistakes.  So I’m still here.

Life in the Snow

So I live in Mammoth, and it’s been snowing a lot.  I got a second job working for the mountain so that I could have a free pass, which means I wake up early everyday and I work doubles almost everyday and I’m tired.  Thus I haven’t been writing nearly as much as I would like to be.  But I thought maybe I’d give a little life update.

It’s snowed a lot almost every week since like November.  My car doesn’t like it that much, but my snowboard does.  I’m not a great snowboarder or a great skier, but I have fun. I’m trying to make the most of this season, since it may be my last.

On March 15th I am moving across the country to Florence, Alabama.  It’s time to do something crazy, and I need to be in a community that betters me and my writing. Mammoth seems to lead to mistakes.  Not for everyone, obviously, but lately for me.  Nothing detrimental, I’m just tired all the time.

But it is nice living near my best friend, even though I never see her because we’re much too busy for each other and have developed different interests.  I still love her.  If I ever get married, she’ll be the one making the goofy speech about living in a dorm room with me.

Ask me questions, because I don’t have much to say.  I want to make my life an adventure, and I believe it really has been one.  So what’s next?