“Save Me”

“Save me”
Crying out
“Save me”
Clawing at the edges
“Save me”
Can’t pull yourself up

“I can’t do this on my own
Not anymore”
You yell this in his face
As he gently beckons
Just let go

Afraid of heights
Pulling yourself to the top of the pit
Will not look back at what you’re climbing from
Begging
“Save me”
Just let go

Beneath you
Right beneath you
Are arms poised and ready
Waiting for you to just let go
So they can catch you

“Save me”
Crying out
As you pull away from salvation
Not realizing you are saved
If you’d just let go

No longer waiting
No longer striving in fear
“Save me”
Words that are only memories to your lips
Just let go
You are safe

Blogging Everyday in July|Nostalgia Makes Mountains Out of Molehills

This isn’t something anyone asked me to write on.  I’m just writing on it.

I woke up this morning feeling numb.  Feeling nostalgic.  Feeling unsettled.  I have a lot to do, yet nothing to do.  Why do anything at all?  I stayed in bed for a while.  Then I felt like playing a song I wrote right before I went back to California for the wedding.  Then I started playing music I wrote last year.  Music I wrote the last time my heart was broken.  And I remembered.

I remembered getting through that.  How that doesn’t hurt anymore unless I dwell on it.  Because it wasn’t right.  I’ve been thinking about all the times in the past when I’ve been broken.  When I’ve been disappointed.  When I’ve been so angry and hurt at situations, whether relationships or otherwise, that I just felt like giving up.  And I’ve gotten through all of them.  They aren’t even scars anymore.  They’re not even molehills anymore, but they were mountains at the time.

That’s what depression does.  It makes mountains out of molehills.  It makes the little things seem insurmountable.  Not that someone struggling with depression is making a big deal out of a small thing, but the energy to get over that small thing just doesn’t exist.  When you’re from a flat land, even small hills look like mountains.  Sometimes, everything looks like mountains.

I’m a funny person.  I’m not a funny writer, but I make people laugh, and more importantly, I make myself laugh.  But I’m also a cynical person.  So a lot of my jokes are dark, and I think I’ve left behind most of the people who get them.
I tweet out a lot of funny one liners.  And I don’t really care if people see them or understand where I’m coming from, because when I’m out of context I’m even more cryptic of a person.  But it’s when I get the offended responses that it bothers me.  Yes, social media is just a game, but it’s one I feel that I’m losing, because all the conservative old people don’t understand.  It annoys me more than it helps me.  Yet it something that we’re all addicted to.  But social media is a topic for another day.
Lately I just feel unheard.

Most of my thoughts are how to express how much I miss people.  There are people that I’ve almost forgotten, but when I remember them, I miss them.  I miss familiarity.  I miss being known.  But I have the chance to completely remake myself.  So why not take that chance?

I’m rambling.  I know.  And this isn’t stretching me at all.  Day one, and my goal of writing everyday is already failing.  But I will keep going.

While I was playing through old music today, I started to write something new.  My song writing process is not something that I’m going to talk about today, but here’s a clip of something new.  Have fun with my nostalgia.

This Ground

 

The Last Day of 2015

2015 is almost over.  In some places, it already is over.  And it has been a year, hasn’t it?

I have seen friends get married, and friends have babies.  I’ve had friends find love and lose it.  I’ve found it and lost it myself.  There has been heartbreak and new adventures.  And so much more.

2015 my life changed for the better.  And then for the worst.  I visited multiple countries, saw God do some crazy things, and wrote more than I have ever before.  I fell in something like love.  I let other people fall for me.  I made big decisions.

I traveled California and Oregon twice.  I got what is very easily becoming my dream car.  I moved into my own place for the first time ever.  I learned how to be on my own, and I remembered what it’s like to be truly alone.

So here’s to 2016.  I could contemplate more on the past, but I want brightness.  2016 is for moving on.  It is for green horizons.  It’s for my biggest adventure yet.  Crossing borders, finally.

Storm

Sun gives way to rain
Day gives way to night
Lost somewhere in between

Touching the ground for remnants of warmth
Touching souls for glimpses of memories long since forgotten
Roads less travelled are still roads

New paths try to be easier
Yet the old ones are tried and true
Nothing was broken to make this

True strength is found in moments of weakness
Not strong enough to fight anymore
But you have kept from breaking

This soil knows what fear looks like
Rejoicing at God’s constant provision
While eyes only see another storm

Stay inside if you’re still afraid
I’ll be on my way now
There are stories still to be told
And I’m ready to listen

Best Day

I asked you to tell me about your best day
“Tell me a story,” I said
And you say you have nothing
That although your life exists of days, months, and years
You have no stories for me
You have no best day
And as much as I want to make this molehill into a mountain
I’m finding I might have to agree

Because I might not have a best day either
And maybe days can’t be used to measure greatness
So tell me about your best moments
And I’ll tell you mine

In a moment of pure brokenness, when Michael came to find me and drove my car with one hand
When Aaron said I was the best poet he knew
The time Erika and I went to see dinosaurs and fell down laughing because the penny didn’t roll
When I went more than 100 miles an hour in Long Beach on a first date with a guy who wasn’t right for me

I’ve fallen in love with every memory of Michelle surprising me with more dinosaurs
And all of our late night drives
And how the two of us could be completely alone together in silence, basking in pure contentment

When Rachel found out I could sing
When Pete found out I could write
When Felicia fell in love with Noah Gunderson

Every adventure with Anu is something I can look back at and smile
From autumn leaves, to winter frost, to driving to her first gig
Praying for healed backs in Costa Rica and seeing blind eyes opened

And there are so many more that I could try to mention
But I have some best moments with you, too

When you joked that I needed to be your best friend
When you decided I was an angel
Every time we made dinner
Every time I almost feel asleep at your house
And the one time I did

Doing donuts in the snow
Holding my hand for two seconds in a music store
The first time you kissed me after I tortured you through the movie
And every moment after

Maybe someday I’ll find a new best day
But you can have these ones for now
Because I’ve already said all I can say
Tell me about your best day