Everything Is Hard Sometimes

So, I got engaged 2 months ago. And everything has been a whirlwind. Because I’m getting married in February, and that’s 3 months away and I don’t know what I need help with but I feel like everyone has an opinion. But it’s our wedding. It’s my and Bobby’s wedding. So the only opinion that should matter is our own.

We were only supposed to be here 3 months. But we’ve been here 6. So we’re trying to move. And moving is hard. Finding new jobs is hard. Finding a place to live is hard. And I’m so afraid we can’t do it. I’m so afraid that moving home and all the things since have been a terrible mistake. Even though I love my job. Even though I make enough. There’s never been anything for me here. And there’s definitely nothing here for Bobby. He’s why we’re leaving. Because he gave up everything to move across the country with me. But things have only gone wrong. If I could turn back time, I probably would have done things differently.

I’m depressed and everything feels hard. I’ve been off my meds since the summer, because I couldn’t get health insurance. And apparently my home church has changed so much that I’m not allowed to be depressed here. Because depression obviously means that the love of my life isn’t really the love of my life. Even though he is. And he was there for me when no one else was. What a great way to make me not feel at home in my home.

But mostly, I just miss my mom. I hate planning a wedding without her. I hate that she won’t be there when I marry my best friend. I hate that she’s never met him. And I hate that I can’t even talk about it.

Times They Are a Changin’

I almost never blog anymore, but I always blog in airports, and that’s where I am right now.

Yesterday would have been my mother’s 64th birthday.  It’s been two years since she passed.  She’ll never meet my boyfriend.  She’ll never see me finish my masters or have a real job.  She’ll never visit me in Alabama or Arizona or anywhere else I might end up living.   And my life keeps going on.  I keep moving forward.  Everyday I’m distanced from what she knew me to be.  And I’m hoping that I’m who she would have wanted me to be.

We’re flying to California because my dad is getting married on Saturday.  He’s moving to Southern California.  My brother moved back to our childhood home to keep the house.  Everything’s different, and I’m not even around to notice it.

People keep asking me how I feel about these changes.  My biggest concern is that my dad is happy, so obviously I’m fine with it.  And honestly, being across the country, I don’t even notice the changes.  My life is still the same.  I go the same job.  I have the same friends.  The only difference is that I’m in school, so I have class and homework.

So yeah.  I’m happy.  Or relatively.  Blending my family is not the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I’ll try to have more thoughts next time.

Leader

Husband as leader
Really bothers me
Husband as head
Must have been cultural
Because today, women are strong
Today, women are equal
Today, women are independent

I want to live my own life
And let his supplement mine
And vice versa

He is not my leader
Nor am I his
Equals
Partners
In love and in life

Not with two heads
But with no head
Shoulders above all of this
Part of the body

Lacking Creativity

Lacking creativity, I sit here at my keyboard, searching for the right words to put down.  It seems that there should be so much to say, and that I should have so much to reflect on, but I’d rather spin fiction than share the trivial thoughts that are on my mind.  Yet, I don’t write at all.  I have characters that need developing, but it’s almost as if I’ve fallen out of love with them.  However, I realize that maybe characters are like any other person, and that if we don’t spend time enough time with them, we forget what once was so powerfully drawing us toward them.  And I realize further that this is what God is like.  Until this week, it had been months since I had sat down and spent significant amounts of intentional time with Him.  And it’s still not enough.  I want to fall in love with Him again.  I want to fall in love.  That’s it.

See, most would expect me to mention that I graduated from college more than a week ago.  And as that was such a big moment in my life, I find it pales in comparison to what it would be if I had gotten my degree in something that I actually plan on using.  I want to be a writer, although I have been writing so much less than I should if I wish to actually call myself a writer.  Yet I digress.  If I had gotten my degree in journalism or literature or creative writing I would probably be freaking out and loudly announcing that I had surely walked across a stage and received a diploma for a degree that I was passionate about.

God’s funny like that, isn’t He?  As a fifteen year old girl I was certain that I had a heart for youth, assuming that meant being a youth pastor.  God audibly called me to attend Life Pacific College.  Soon after beginning my college career I realized that I don’t want to be in vocational ministry in any form at all, and soon after that I found my passion as a writer.  God told me to write, and I still haven’t finished anything to be proud of.  I tried to leave school, but I knew that LIFE was where I was meant to stay.  After four years of perseverance, I have finished and I have my Bachelors, and now I have even less certainty about my future than I did a year ago.  I know what I’m doing with my summer.  I know I plan to move to Portland in August.  But how easily can everything change?  So I still wonder why God called me to LPC at all?

I went to a wedding yesterday.  It was by far the best wedding I had ever attended.  I even regained the courage I had in high school, if only temporarily, and talked to a cute guy.  Yet I still don’t feel compelled to write so many words about it.  I often say that I don’t believe in soulmates, but I know that Erica and Robbie are truly meant for each other.  It makes me wonder if maybe some people do have soulmates.  It makes me wonder if I have a soulmate, if people will one day say, “they’re meant for each other,” about me and some man.

Does anyone have any creativity they’d like to send my way?  Do you have any extra motivation?

Realizations

Today was a hard day.  Parts of yesterday were hard also, but that’s besides the point.  This will probably be short, but these are some things that I have realized over the past couple of days.

  1. If I were an animal, I would be a cat.  I don’t particularly like cats, but I’ve been compared to one recently, more than once, and I’m beginning to see why.  Cats tend to wander, but spend time alone.  I wander and go to find people when I feel lonely or that I need people.  Then I leave when I feel ignored.  If I feel annoyed or uncomfortable in a situation, I leave.  I kinda chase things around like a cat.  Example: when I attempt the steal the basketball from my friend Sal.  When I walk up to my friends, I hit them with my head, the way a cat would when they want attention.  I’m not really sure why I do these things, I’ve always been more of a dog person.
  2. I don’t currently have any friends that I can rely on except for maybe these two guys I know.  They are good.  There are people that I’ve depended on lately, but I can’t rely on them.  In fact, today I realized that I go to find people, I search them out, but no one will do that for me.  None of my “good friends” search me out.  They swear that they’ll freak out or be changed forever if I was gone, but I’m sure they wouldn’t notice for a while.  Like at least a week.  Today I took one of the few chick friends I thought I could rely on to the store with me and I told her how I felt.  I told her that it hurts that no one asks me to hang out and that I am almost to the point of giving up.  Do you know what she said?  You make us feel guilty when you tell us that we never hang out anymore, so we feel bad and don’t want to hang out.  Does that sound as illogical to you as it did to me?  IF YOU FEEL GUILTY ABOUT SOMETHING, YOU DON’T FREAKIN’ KEEP DOING IT.  So yeah, basically that hurts.  And I feel like dying.
  3. I don’t want a boyfriend.  I don’t even have a desire to really get married or anything.  But I am fighting off feelings for someone that I really don’t want a relationship with.  However, today I realized that our friendship is so great, that he knows how messed up I am, so he’ll never have feelings for me.  This makes me so happy, because it means that I don’t have to worry about falling into a relationship that will probably end up failing.

Not everything about today was bad though.  I went to talk to the head of Res Life in her apartment for a while.  I’ve been asking God for a mentor.  I may have found one.  I may ask her to mentor me or something.  I don’t know.
Right now my head hurts and I’m tired.
Sara OUT.

Fixing Myself

Well, I’ve heard constantly that I can’t fix myself.  But then people get on my case for giving and not making an effort to be fixed.  So which is it?  Is it up to me to be okay, to be fixed, or is it God who is going to fix me?  I mean, I know that God is going to fix me, but I have to let Him.  I keep hearing two different answers.

What I do is for myself.  Some praise me for being so honest for what I’m going through, and others condemn me for saying what I say.  I say what is on my mind; I write what is in my heart.  I don’t make my decisions based on others and I don’t do things in order to get a reaction.  That would be a stupid way to live.  Sure, I do value people’s opinions, but I’m also sometimes terrified to reveal my own opinion.  I feel that I hurt people by disagreeing with them, which is stupid of me.  I’m so stupid sometimes.

I’ve been spending more time with God lately, though I still have a long way to go.  I’m up on a lovely mountain retreat, away from my home and my family for a while.  This is what I feel that I needed, but my life has still been abused.  I’m staying with people whose opinion matters more to me than most.  But they are telling me how to live my life.  I can’t live my life differently than I am.  Life Pacific is where I am supposed to be, it’s where I feel safest.  I can’t stay here forever, and I can’t go anywhere else.  There’s nowhere else for me to go and I can’t afford a different life.

I’m trying to get a handle on my life.  Yes, God does need to be in control, but I have to be able to control myself.  Self-control is one of the fruits of the Spirit, am I right?  (I am).  I’m realizing that I’m terrified to grow up.  I’m terrified of being alone and doing everything myself.  I don’t know how to do that.  I don’t know how to be independent.  I feel silly admitting this, but it’s true.  I still wish I could just give up and let go, but I’m not allowed.  I’d be letting too many people down.  I’m going to be okay.  Even in my ramblings.

Numbing Bliss

What do I feel right now?  Completely content.  I am not content with everything in my life, but I feel good.  I just do.

This week has been great.  Not every part of it, it’s true, I still have had my depressing moments, but overall, it has just been good.  Sure, Thanksgiving was awkward and my first Black Friday shopping experience was horrible and not something I ever plan on doing again, but I feel numb to everything that should be killing me right now.

On Saturday, I got to watch two of my good friends join together in holy matrimony, ready to start on a new adventure that is their forever entwined lives together.  It was beautiful.  That’s all I can say.  I haven’t been to many weddings in my lifetime, and I am just reaching the age where my friends are getting married, but I am completely okay with experiencing them.  However, I do not want to get married, not anytime soon.  Right now I am completely content with being single.  There is no special man in my life, and I can’t say I want there to be one.  If someone does decide to enter my life, they better be ready to pursue me, because I’m not about to get my hopes up just to watch them get torn down.  I am enjoying my freedom.

This week I am learning that many more people care about me than I could have ever known or realized.  A lot of people want me to get better.  They know that I should not have to go through life believing that I should be dead, even if I don’t always agree.  People truly are walking through this trial with me.  I got to go to coffee with a new friend, had an offer and a fulfillment of said offer to help me set up a new doctors appointment without getting my insurance messed up and having someone to go with me, and I got invited to a “girls’ night” at the house of a friend with whom I have not spent much time with.  I am starting to feel loved.  And it is oh so good.

I just got back from the best Christmas party of my life.  Although it is true that I hate Christmas, I love great food and white elephant gift exchanges.  I won Green Plagues and Lamb, what could possibly be my new favorite children’s book.  I plan on saving it to read to whatever children may enter my life, whether my own or a friend’s.  I am so excited for my life right now.

Everyone deserves to feel this numbing bliss.  God has given me this new joy as a gift.  I must find a way to share it.