Distracted.

When I was in college, and even after I finished college, I was always on my computer.  So if I wasn’t on Facebook, or Tumblr, or doing homework, I was usually writing.  I didn’t have to make time to blog, because I was already on my computer.  Now, it’s true that I am writing a little bit less, but the reason that I’m actually blogging less is that I literally have to remind myself to bring my computer with me, or I have to set aside special time when I’m at home.  Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it is something that I should be doing.  It’s just funny that this is my problem.  I don’t even watch that much Netflix anymore, at least not by myself.

It’s possible that I have been distracted, as of late.  It’s possible that something in my life is worth spending time on that isn’t my blog and my dreams and a future career.  It’s a different part of my future.  But it has distracted me from this part of my life.  I’m trying to learn how to balance it.

A little off topic, but something that I have been watching is Z: The Beginning of Everything on Amazon Prime.  It’s about F. Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald.  It’s about how they met and fell in love.  It’s about his writing.  I’m only a few episodes in, but I just watched the wedding episode.  On the train on the way to her wedding, Zelda’s sister tells her what to expect on her wedding night.  She tells her to keep the lights off.  And she tells her to let her husband do what he is going to do, and to lay back and think about the magnolias in the garden.  I know that things were different then, but it really annoyed me.  It annoys me that there was a time where women were expected not to enjoy what happens in the bedroom.  It annoys me that people still think that way.  Relationships should never be about pleasing your husband.

I have a lot of thoughts.  And I would love to take the time to collect them.  I’m going to try to do that this month.  I’m going to try to set a goal to set aside time to myself to write and be and enjoy.  Because I’m worth it.  My dreams are worth it.  So I’ll try not to get too distracted.

Blogging Everyday in July|On Being a Single Human

Hello.  I am a single human.  In that I mean that I am a human and I am single, but also that I am only one human, not multiple.  I got asked to blog about being single, and I think it’s because my group of friends is mostly from the “singles” group at my church.  That’s so weird to say, by the way.
On a side note, when I was in college, my friend Karina was part of a church in Pasadena, and the young, college aged group was called the “singles” group, and we thought it was so weird and hilarious, but not that I’m out of college, I realize I can’t be in a college group.  So it’s young adults, but my church has a young married people group too, so this one is the “singles” group.  Haha.  Laugh with me.
Anyway, my friends are mostly single, even though some of them might be starting relationships soon.  We love each other, and we’re content with where we’re at, I think.  I know I am.  And that might really be true for the first time in a long time.

For a long time I’ve joked about singleness.  I’ve laughed at myself, but on the inside wished I could change it.  Then, the last couple years or so I’ve had multiple guys in my life, but none of them were serious enough about me, even though my heart kept going farther than I wanted it to, so I kept getting crushed.  And occasionally I’d do the crushing.
One of my old flames texted me last week saying he missed me, even though it’s been so many months since we’re spoken.  I told him that he was just being lonely.  And I told him that I don’t want to be lonely, I want to be content being alone.  And I think that’s what I am.  Not just because there’s no one in my life right now that I really want to be with, but because I love my friends, my lifestyle, and figuring out my life the way it is.  I like that I’m becoming a healthier person.  I think I just needed to purge all of the pain out, and dating is one of those things.

I’ve heard a lot that as soon as you stop looking, you find someone.  I don’t want that to be true.  Because then, when you stop looking, you start looking.  All of the fun adventures that I would want to do on dates, I can do with a group of my friends here, and it’s a thousand times more enjoyable.
I want to be in love with life again before I fall in love with a person.

A lot of people believe in soul mates, or believe that they’re only half of an entity until they find their other half.  But I want to be whole and unbroken.  I want to be desired because I’m independent and following my dreams.  I want my heart to be full.  And I’m getting there.

So yes, I’m a single human.  That’s exactly who I’m supposed to be.  That’s exactly who I want to be.  And that is the end.

Blogging in a Coffee Shop

Today I am spending my day in town.  I’m going to hang out with an old friend at 4, but I must find things to do until then.  So I once again find myself in my favorite local coffee shop.  It’s rather cool in here, and I wish I had brought in my cardigan, but alas, I did not.

Something that has been on my mind lately is the topic of best friends.  I always say that I don’t have a best friend.  Friends always leave, and there’s no one person who has stuck by my side.
However, I am realizing why I don’t have a best friend; it’s because I have several.  I have my local friends, Jena, Lauren, Karina, and Jenn, some older and some almost brand new, who love Jesus and love me.  I can talk to them and they can talk to me.  They make my visits home both fun and enjoyable, and my relationship with God grows when I am in their presence.  There are times in my life where I may not have survived if I didn’t know them.
I have my friends from my school, who have kept my strong in the last few years.  Jenny, Hannah, Michelle, Erika, Zachary, Jared, Aaron, all the lovely people who have proved time and time again that I matter to them.  Truthfully, they matter to me as well.  We’ve had adventures and shared interests with one another.  We do our best to know each other’s stories.  They’ve helped me to know what a family truly is.
And I of course have my far away bestie, Jackson.  He’s one of the few people who I can pick up with right where we left off.  We don’t get to talk often, and we rarely see each other because there is half a country between us, but I love him just the same.  I don’t think I’ll ever stop caring for him or our friendship, and I’m sure his feelings are mutual.

I don’t need to have just one best friend.  I’m different in many other ways, so why should I try to blend in in this format?  I’m so excited for how my friendships will develop as I grow older.  One of the most fun things in life is looking back to see how things have changed.

Family

I feel that my perception of family is very, very wrong.
My family never talked about things.  We still don’t know how.  We’re not close and I didn’t even realize it until I moved away.  I’m not saying that I’m okay with what my family is and the fact that we’re not a real family, but I am.  It’s all I know.

Thus, when something is labeled a family, I appear to unintentionally pull away.  I’m doing an internship.  We decided we were a family.  I left a for a few days and everything changed.  To me, it seems that every “family” activity has turned into disfunction.  Communication lines have been torn down and replaced by tubes that sometimes miss me when the message is sent out.  The teams are full and the family has fallen.

I don’t want a family.  If this is what family is, then keep me free of it.  I am an individual, even if I don’t always want to be.  If I let someone too close, bad things happen.
I am so messed up that being a part of a real family is an impossibility.  I could not be a wife, a mother, not when I am this unpredictable.

And so, by the grace of God, let Him be my only family.  This is how it should be.