It’s the Patient’s Fault

It’s been three years since cancer took my mother’s life. She battled with cancer for ten years. She went in and out of remission. She sought God. She prayed for healing. She prayed for wisdom. She prayed for guidance. She got treatment. It worked. But cancer is a bitch. It’s pretty good at finding its way back, even when a person is so good fighting it.

Right when I graduated with college my mom was re-diagnosed. I remember sitting in our living room and she asked me what I believed about what God and healing and doctors. Should someone skip treatment and just believe that God will heal them? People in her church were telling her to just believe. They were telling her not to seek treatment. Now, don’t get me wrong, I full believe in healing. I’ve seen people healed. I watched a blind woman get her sight back. God can heal. On his own. But you know what else God can do? He can use people. He created all of these people with all of these abilities and all this knowledge. He uses doctors to heal people all the time. It’s not one or the other. It’s both and. My mother did believe for healing. But she also got treatment. She believed God wanted her to get treatment. I believe God wanted her to get treatment. And she did go into remission again, for a little bit.

So it really hurts when I hear that people who knew my mother, people who studied the Bible with my mother, people who prayed with my mother, people who got words from my mother, are saying that cancer patients don’t stay in remission because they got treatment rather than believing for healing. It hurts that they’re spouting their conspiracy theories to people that I know and love, saying that cancer patients deserve to die, because they didn’t believe enough. That’s along the lines of the Old Testament, saying that people were blinded or developed leprosy because of their sins or the sins of their parents. It’s small minded and stupid.

I’m still hurt. I’m still angry. God is good. His people are not.

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Common Sense

My mother always said that common sense didn’t exist, because it’s not common.  Everyone grows up differently and develops their logic based on the kind of mental training they have the opportunity to learn through.  So I’m getting kind of tired of people being berated for not using their common sense.

I watched a supervisor berate a subordinate for not using common sense when it was really busy because he didn’t see a label, so he asked a question.  Studies show that logic capabilities are not as strong when a person is under stress.  I work in a high stress environment, especially around this time of year, and I don’t see how anyone can survive if they’re not allowed to ask questions, even if the answer is right in front of them.  What happened to patience?  What happened to kindness?  What happened to caring?
So, as a supervisor, I tried to speak up.  I tried to say something, but apparently defending other employees means that I’m undermining the authority of another supervisor.

I looked up the standards of business for my place of work.  The first thing that is covered is “the way we treat one another.”  And I wish I had read this sooner.  I wish I had refreshed my memory.  Because page one literally says that we have the right to work somewhere free of bullying and harassment.  Does anyone know how many employees have come to me feeling that they have been bullied or harassed?  Far too many.  And I felt that I couldn’t do anything, because my manager won’t do anything about hearsay.  The most important person’s word will always be the strongest, and that will never be me.

I quit my job.  I start my new one soon.  More pay and less responsibility, and hopefully I’ll be out of a depressing and painful environment.  But will it be enough?  I keep wondering if I should do something.  I know that I should do something.  I know what to do.  But I’m scared.  We’re all scared.  That’s why none of us have done it yet.

I have two weeks left.  Two weeks of feeling caught in the middle.  Two weeks of feeling like a pariah.  Two weeks left of trying.  So should I try?  Or will I be shut down?  I guess it’s time to find out.

Jericho

I must be Jericho
Because you have circled me and my walls are crumbling
Waiting to be pillaged, broken, and burned alive
Waiting to be left behind

Running scared
It’s about time, isn’t it?
The last time I came this close to love my heart mutinied
Though something keeps telling me this might be different

You could never be more than a secret
You could never be more than a mistake I keep making
I won’t let you be
Hurting as I’m hurting you

Goodbye should come easier
This was never real
And I need to stop dwelling in my imagination
Pulling you close for the leverage to push you away

I know you can feel my heart beating
I know you count the beats and notice every time one skips
Your rhythm matches mine
And I’m refusing to let that mean anything

I think I must be Jericho
Because I tried to ignore you in your silence
But we must be on the seventh day now
We must be on the seventh round now
Waiting for that trumpet blast
Expecting those war cries
I am going to come falling down
I am going to tumble to the ground
I wish I could avoid everything within me as it shatters

This is not what I wanted
I could never be what you need
Go ahead and call me Jericho
Because honey, I’m falling

In the Anyway

I forgive.  Some would say that I forgive too easily.  But I forgive as I have been forgiven.  I forgive as I would like to be forgiven. Maybe I follow the Golden Rule too closely.
In the midst of all of this mess though, in the midst of all of our mistakes, Christ loved us anyway.

In the Garden, Adam and Eve hid, because they knew they had disobeyed, and they knew God knew.  They had realized their nakedness.  And though punishment did follow, God never ceased to love them.  He loved them anyway.

Moses told God he couldn’t do it.  He needed help.  Aaron had to speak for him, because he believed he couldn’t.  He had a stutter.  In spite of his weakness, God loved him anyway.

Solomon asked God for wisdom.  With his wisdom, he did a lot of great things, but also made a lot of mistakes.  He established high places, and he worshiped other gods.  At the end of his life, he realized how meaningless it all was.  And God loved him anyway.

Israel was such a disobedient, easily manipulated nation.  God let them be taken captive, then restored.  They continued to break his heart.  Yet he loved them anyway.  So much that he sent his son, himself, to die.

Peter denied knowing the messiah.  And Christ loved him anyway.

Thomas had doubts.  Jesus loved him in them, anyway.

Anyway.

There has been an awkwardness, a hurt, in my recent life.  And I could choose to hold on to it, a grudge, that would only hurt my being.  Or I could let go.  I could forgive anyway.  I could love anyway.  As I have been loved anyway.

Quick to Forgive

I don’t hold grudges often.  That’s not to say that I’m not capable of holding them, because I definitely have before; I just tend to forgive quickly.

I have been hurt a lot.  I’ve been wronged.  But I’ve also done a lot of wrongs.  I’ve hurt a lot of people.  Because we’re all humans.  When I screw up, I want to be taken back.  I want there to be forgiveness and for the past to not be held against me.  So I hope that I do the same.

I’ve been seeing someone.  Since November, I’ve spent a lot of time with someone who means a lot to me.  We’ve tried to not make it what it was because I’m planning on moving and there are so many other issues involved that I’m not going to talk about.  For a while he was pushing me for something that I couldn’t give him.  At some point I must have changed my mind, but now he denies ever pushing for that.
So he had a girl visit from out of a town for a few days.  I’ve known that she was coming from pretty much the day that he and I met.  At one point he told me that she didn’t matter to him, but that was apparently just a drunken lie, because he slept with her.
I can’t quite say that he cheated on me, because although we set boundaries, we never really defined our boundaries.  And you know what?  I’ll forgive him.  I’ll take him back.
If I was on the outside I would say a million times how stupid that is.  But there’s more to it.  I care more about the time we still have until I leave than I do about the pain that I am currently going through.  I still want this person in my life, in whatever capacity.
I will forgive quickly, because there is too little time to hang on to anger.

We, as humans, do so many stupid things to each other.  We’re all a bunch of sinners. really.  Yet God always takes us back.  He forgives us so quickly.  He doesn’t hold grudges when we make mistakes.  He just loves us.  And he chooses us every time.

 

So I’m just gonna leave this here.  Because I am far too honest of a person.

About Choice

The thing about utopia is how imperfect and broken it is.  With ridding life of pain, of conflict, of disagreement, we take away so much.  We take away joy, and love, and color.  We take away choice.

Some believe that with choice, we always choose wrong.  Look at Adam and Eve.  They had the choice to live forever, and instead chose knowledge and death.  Is it because they didn’t have all the facts?  We may not ever know.  But maybe that’s okay.  So many of us say that if it were us, knowing what we know now, we would have chosen differently.  I’m not so sure that this is true.

I would love to rid the world of its corruptness.  I would love to end all wars and hunger and racism and all of that.  However, this may never be possible.  Not because people always choose wrong, but because the wrong choices sound the loudest.

If someone never knew pain, lived in a world without pain, and was surrounded by people who only knew the same, then once pain arrived it would scream in their face.  Everyone would feel it.  And to stop it, more pain would arise.  Or maybe it wouldn’t.

All I know is that the world is fallen, that I am fallen.  All I know is that I am redeemed.  All I know is that this all can be washed clean.  If only we would make the choice.