Blogging Everyday in July|A Poem I Wrote on a Plane (No One Knows My Name)

No one knows my name here
I don’t even want to know it anymore
Finding comfort in the anonymous nature I now dwell in

The land forming below me holds no beauty for my eyes
Though I know some still find it sacred
Scattered through with lakes welling up
I stop to wonder where they come from

The anticipation my heart held before I fell asleep
Has been replaced by a new kind of dread
Expecting someone to collect the bounty on my head

I have been a thousand places
Each one unique
Yet I find them all in one another

Just one last adventure
Reminding myself not to hold my breath
Rising and falling with the pressure around me
I never meant to leave my heart behind

I think we tend to expect too much
Ending up defeated when we can’t fall asleep
These decisions weight heavy, but we continue to choose them anyway

I might beg you to hold me close tonight
Just one last time, I need you
As you wait up for me, watching for my figure in your doorway

I fell for you, tripped over who I was supposed to be
I gave you everything, forgetting who I was
I became someone else, changed my fate, my destiny, my name

I know we’re both pleading with our hearts to stop beating
You can’t have my anymore, but  you can have my every time
I was just a notch in your belt, you still wish I was more

Above the clouds now, drowning in your memory
I return, I return, I return
Tightness in my chest as my heart readies for the landing

Almost whole, almost home
Only to be broken
But this time I chose it, I chose you

I know full well that unless I stay, you’ll never choose me completely
It’s a game or it is real
We’re somewhere in between

So maybe this will be the last time
Maybe next time I’ll stay, gone
Begging you to pull me closer as I push you away

No one knows my name here
I don’t know my name here
But you know my name

No one knows my name here
But I’m more than just a name
You might know my name
But you’ll never know me

Staying Put

(I seem to write a lot of blogs in airports)

I just spent a week in California.  I flew into Reno last Monday and got to spend one day in Mammoth, my home, before venturing onward to Crescent City to be a part of an old friend’s wedding.  Back in Alabama, I was so excited for this trip, and everyone kept telling me to enjoy my vacation.  But I knew it wasn’t a vacation.  I don’t remember how to vacation.  I’ve forgotten how to rest.

My day in Mammoth I tried to run around and see people, but instead was monopolized by someone who cannot have my heart.  I had dinner with my parents.  It’s too hard when your minutes are too few.
My best friend and I drove to her parents’ house near San Jose on Wednesday, and onward to Crescent City, up at the top of the state, on Thursday.  We went to straight into Bachelorette party mode.  We drank and it was loud and I was tired.  Already drained, before anything had even begun.  My heart had been left behind me.
Friday we ran around picking flowers and finding teapots and books for bouquets and center pieces.  It never occurred to me that all of this wouldn’t be done before the day before the wedding.  My heart wasn’t there, I had left it behind me.  I was drained.  But weddings will never be about the bridesmaids, and it was so important that I do everything I can to make the day and all the preparations go smoothly.  I think I had forgotten what I was getting myself into.
The wedding day my dress was too long.  There were bugs and heat, and then sudden coldness, so I wore a sweater to the reception.  The bride was beautiful.  She is so in love, and there is no doubt that Josh is the one for her.  She has wanted this for so long.  But I simultaneously drank too much and not enough.  My heart was not there.  I lost it somewhere.
Yesterday my best friend and I drove 10 hours to be back to Mammoth so I could go to Lighthouse and see the people I hadn’t gotten to see yet.  However, after the whole day, the whole week, I didn’t want to see anyone.  I’m out of money and I haven’t eaten and all I wanted was to sleep, but there were things to be done.
I saw who I could, but left before any real conversations were had.  I got picked up for dinner by the one who has my heart, but was too tired to function.  Waking up with my memory erased.

I don’t regret this trip, but I regret this trip.  I regret coming home too soon.  I need to find my heart and drag it to Alabama with me.  I think it’s time that I stay put.  God keeps saying, “Stay put.”
I want to plan more trips, but I’m never going to be happy and rested in my travels if I keep trying to do everything all the time.  I want my life to be an adventure, but it’s time to learn to adventure where I live first.  Start small.  Embrace your reality.

So I told the one who has my hear to give it back.  I won’t be visiting anymore.  Not until I have someone to visit with.  Not until I’m healthy enough to be who I was, versus who I am.

Because I don’t have a drinking problem, but when I drink, I drink a lot.
I don’t have a drug problem, but if someone’s offering, I’ll accept.
I don’t have a guy problem, but my heart latches onto anyone who will let it.
I don’t have a money problem, but I forgot that moving to a different culture means adjusting to a different budget.
I don’t have an eating disorder, but it’s really hard to eat when your heart beats for someone else.

I keep finding all the ways that I am broken.  But in reality, I am one whole person.  We all have a story.  Maybe someday I’ll be able to share all of mine.  Maybe someday I’ll be able to be completely honest about why my heart is still broken, rather than broken again.  But until then, here’s one piece.  Just one more piece.

I’m breaking up with California.  I’m ready to be freed.

Sitting in Silence

Sitting in silence
By myself
With myself
Really getting to know myself
As my purpose is forgotten

So utterly alone
Wondering if I can make it
On my own
As it’s too late
To abandon this quest

Empty home
Empty heart
Fill me up
To the brim
Overflowing
Welcome me in

No one said this was easy
Though I wish it was
It’s something I have to do
My hand is held
Let me just trust this

Within my chest
Lays a cavern
Where my heart still beats
Where my lungs still breathe
Take care of me

Mistaken identity
Please remember me
Though I won’t be returning to you
Anytime soon

I was used
Abused
And kept coming back for more
Because I’d forgotten how to feel
And I just needed to feel something

Yet now I feel too much
Threatening to pull away at every touch
Begging you to hold me
2,000 miles away
I’m lonely
Sitting in silence

I Need to Remember

I need to remember how you broke me
Into pieces
Throwing me off the deep end
Only to be brought in with the tide
Brought back to you

I need to remember how  you asked for my heart
Only to hold it too tightly
Crushing it in your palm
Letting the dust blow away in the wind

I need to remember your empty promises
Your lies
Your forgetfulness
Every moment you denied the moment before

But instead I’ll remember mornings
Wrapped in your arms
Leaving you at an hour that no one wants to be awake
And you’re never even angry at me
For waking you up
For holding you close
For keeping you warm
You were my winter

Instead I’ll remember spending too much on dinner
Being too full to move
And too full on life to care

I’ll remember drunken kisses
And drunken conversations
And drunken mistakes
Because for a while, every moment was drunken

I’ll remember loving you
I’ll remember losing myself in you
Trying to leave you again and again
Until this final goodbye
Where you’ll be left behind

Because you’re worth a lot
Just not enough
To let go of my dreams
Only to hold you closer
As you hold me down

So I’ll try to remember your brokenness
That broke me
Rather than everything else
That has made me whole

Road Trip With Me: Saying Goodbye

So I’ve been thinking about doing this series for a couple weeks now.  There were just a few minor setback, which is why this is getting posted today, as opposed to last weekend.  See, on the road, it’s much harder to find time and wifi in the same moment.  Anyway…

Let me catch you up.  Last Friday I said goodbye to my home, my friends, and my life in Mammoth, and I packed up my car and set off across the country.  Except I went to LA first to say goodbye to few friends before truly beginning my trek east.
I have been excited for this adventure for such a long time.  I wanted to move all the way back in October, so I was not sure why I had waited so freaking long.  I love traveling.  I love following my heart.  When I’m doing the right thing, nothing else bothers my heart… So I thought…

I wasn’t sad at all.  So many people would say how they were going to miss me, and though I knew for sure that I was going to miss my friends and my job and my lifestyle, I knew that it wouldn’t be enough to change my mind.  I wasn’t sad yet.  I wasn’t homesick yet.  I don’t even really get homesick.
So on Friday I made my rounds.  I said goodbye to Michelle, Jacob, and Gus, my old roommates and some of my best friends.  They prayed for me.  They were excited for me.  We only got a little emotional.
Then I went to say goodbye to someone else.  Someone wrong for me, but still right for me.  Someone who I have spent far too much time with in the past five months.  He was still lounging in bed.  We talked for a minute.  I hugged him goodbye.  I kissed him goodbye, and I left.  Then he begged me to hang for a half hour, to watch a show or something.  To just be together for a little bit longer.  So of course I did.  And when it was finally time for me to actually go, we both fell apart.  I cried into his shoulder.  I apologized so many times.  I don’t think either of us thought it would be so hard to let go.

So that pretty much ruined my next few days.  Seeing friends in LA just made me fall apart more.  I kept telling myself that I cannot turn back.  Not yet.  I need to do this.  And I am not afraid.
There is so much more to that story, but my heart is not ready.  It might never be.  Love is such a complicated thing.  And life is such a complicated mess that I’m not even sure why we keep trying.

So I’ve said goodbye.  I’ve said goodbye to everything I’ve known.  I’ve embarked on a crazy adventure.  I  have broken my own heart.
But I’ve also seen a lot of dinosaurs, so there’s that.  I’ll keep you posted.  And I’ll be less emotional and more on time next time.

Alabamily

I haven’t done this in a while.  Just stopped and let my thoughts flow here.  So maybe it’s time to do that again.

Last September I went to Ireland on a trip that changed my life.  While there, I felt God calling me elsewhere.  I felt like he was saying Florence.
I came back to Mammoth with no definite place to live, but found myself stuck in a lease with my brother instead.  I thought I would move in a month or two, felt my heart screaming at me to get out.  But instead, we couldn’t find a roommate to take my place, and I settled.  And then the snow got good, so I decided to stay a little bit longer.  I became someone I’m not.

I went to LA and spent some time with some old friends.  One of them gave me the wise advice to pick a date and go with it.  So I did.  I chose March 15th, and I was all ready to move then.  Until everyone around started dragging me down.  Until everyone around me had their own opinion.  Until everyone around me couldn’t understand why I could move to a Southern state, a “less progressive” state, a humid state.  How could that ever be home?  I honestly don’t know.  I just know what my heart says.  With every beat, it says get out.  Get out.  Get out.  Get out of Mammoth.  Get out of California.  Get out of this stagnant life you have let consume you.  What the hell are you still doing here?

I started doing things that have dragged me down.  I started spending time with people who I have allowed to change who I am.  I have all but cut ties with the people that I love here.  I let someone have my heart who definitely doesn’t deserve it, but that’s always the case anyway.
I feel torn.  I feel pulled in a thousand directions.  I feel like my life is out of control, as if I don’t get a say anymore.  My mom kept telling me how I need to save more money.  My brother wants me to stay longer so he can have more time to find a roommate, because he’s being picky.  My manager wants me to stay because he doesn’t want to find a replacement.  My new friends want me to stay longer because we can hang longer.
But what about what is right for me?  What about my life?  Where is it going?  Am I still holding onto something that is broken?  Because it feels as though my hands have been sliced open and are dripping blood.

I might be past my breaking point again.  I think I’m done here.  I probably should have left a while ago.
I need to find an Alabamily.  I need there to be something ahead of me again.
Because I’ve forgotten who I was.  I’ve been ignoring my soul.  I’ve been ignoring God.  I’ve made mistakes.  So I’m still here.

Impenetrable

I didn’t realize the crack that I heard
Was the sound of my own heart
Breaking
A sound so audible
Could only be heard
Inside my mind

I have let you inside me
Into my soul
You permeate through my skin
I have been overtaken
Now I feel empty
As the things you say
Without saying anything at all

As an investor
All my stocks in you
Have lost all their value
Losing out
Yet still hanging on
Because although I carry wisdom
None of my decisions are wise

I didn’t know what I expected
But definitely not her
Frizzy and crooked
And so much less than perfect
Although she may be perfect for you
As you are so much less than perfect
For me

I am cruel
Coal that has grown cold
You are hard as stone
Cannot be broken
Because like me
You have been broken too many times before

I softened
Now crushed under this pressure
Turning me into a diamond
Impenetrable