130

Not many people are aware of how much I struggle with my weight. Inside my head I have been overweight since I was fifteen. I don’t think this is actually true though.

Before I started high school, before I hit puberty, I was barely a size zero. I fully believed I would be able to fit into a size two my entire life. I weighed 98 pounds when I was a freshman and I thought I would always be small and always be able to eat however I wanted. My sophomore year I was having some knee problems, so I couldn’t be as active and I remember being in my english class and looking down and for the first time noticing my stomach. I wasn’t fat. But in my mind I was.

I remember going shopping for shorts with my mom when I was 16. I was doing physical therapy to repair my knee that I had messed up running track, but I was the largest I had ever been. I tried on the size that I thought I should be and it was way too small. This is one of the reasons I won’t buy pants from places like JC Penney or Target, because their sizing is off. A four at Old Navy is an eight at JC Penney. Trying on a six at 16 and having it be too small shattered me. I felt so fat. But a six is not even large. It’s barely considered a medium. But my head believed I needed to be a two, which I will never be again.

My weight has gone up and down over the years. I’ve been in really good shape and I’ve been in terrible shape. I’ve gained weight and I’ve lost it and people have noticed. All I want now is to be healthy.

This year I started a bullet journal, and I’ve dedicated one of the pages to trying to reach my goal weight. I have no idea if I’ll reach it, because muscle weighs more than fat, and who knows if I’ll lose motivation. I want to weigh 130, because I feel like that’s a good weight for my height. However, muscle weighs more than fat, so if I drop in size but not weight, I guess that’s okay too. I guess I just want to see if I can do it. I want to be accountable.

So here’s to 2019 and health and happiness. I want to be my best self.

Runner’s High

Driving home
Like driving drunk
Feeling like I might throw up
Light headed
Wondering if I should even be driving at all
But I’ve got to make it

And I’m not under any influence
If anything, above it
My feet struck pavement
Nothing struck me

I breathed deeply
Moving freely
Now on my way home
Feeling a little queasy
Needing a shower
Feeling my name called
Falling out of this runner’s high

Resolving to be Stronger

I’ve started running again.  My favorite human and I decided to make healthier choices in 2017, because that’s a cheesy thing that people do, and we’re gonna do a 5k together in May (or we’re planning on it).  So I’ve been running a couple miles four days a week and doing yoga everyday and eating healthier.

Last week I was tired.  I went on one of my longer runs and I wasn’t super motivated, but I knew I had to do it.  I needed to get this run in.  Not long after I started my run, I looked across the street, and coming up the sidewalk, moving the opposite direction that I was running in, was a man in a wheelchair.  He was alone.  And I thought to myself, if he can do it, than I can finish this run.  And I did.  I was motivated.  Because I am strong.

I needed new jeans.  I went to Huntsville with a friend and I was looking for a size for in a certain wash and cut.  I have been wearing a six, but I know that I can fit into a four, so I wanted a four.  I was being loud, in a comical way.  We were digging through the piles of jeans at Old Navy, because I wanted that size four.  I then overheard the girl shopping next to me ask the attendant for help.  She couldn’t find a size 18 short in the color that she wanted.  And I felt bad.  Because I was complaining about not being able to find a four.  I never did find the four, so I had to buy a six anyway.  But they are loose, so there’s that.

I’ve been thinking about how everyday is a new day.  It doesn’t matter how much you eat on one day, you still need to eat enough calories the next day.  Your body resets.  If you mess up on Monday, that doesn’t mean that Tuesday is going to be bad.
A lot of people think that 2016 was terrible, and they’ve given up on 2017.  My roommate has already given in to drinking, when she said she didn’t want to this year.  It’s still the middle of January.
But I’m not giving in.  I’m resolving to be stronger.  Failure will only motivate me.  Doesn’t matter whose failures they are.

Blogging Everyday in July|On Being a Single Human

Hello.  I am a single human.  In that I mean that I am a human and I am single, but also that I am only one human, not multiple.  I got asked to blog about being single, and I think it’s because my group of friends is mostly from the “singles” group at my church.  That’s so weird to say, by the way.
On a side note, when I was in college, my friend Karina was part of a church in Pasadena, and the young, college aged group was called the “singles” group, and we thought it was so weird and hilarious, but not that I’m out of college, I realize I can’t be in a college group.  So it’s young adults, but my church has a young married people group too, so this one is the “singles” group.  Haha.  Laugh with me.
Anyway, my friends are mostly single, even though some of them might be starting relationships soon.  We love each other, and we’re content with where we’re at, I think.  I know I am.  And that might really be true for the first time in a long time.

For a long time I’ve joked about singleness.  I’ve laughed at myself, but on the inside wished I could change it.  Then, the last couple years or so I’ve had multiple guys in my life, but none of them were serious enough about me, even though my heart kept going farther than I wanted it to, so I kept getting crushed.  And occasionally I’d do the crushing.
One of my old flames texted me last week saying he missed me, even though it’s been so many months since we’re spoken.  I told him that he was just being lonely.  And I told him that I don’t want to be lonely, I want to be content being alone.  And I think that’s what I am.  Not just because there’s no one in my life right now that I really want to be with, but because I love my friends, my lifestyle, and figuring out my life the way it is.  I like that I’m becoming a healthier person.  I think I just needed to purge all of the pain out, and dating is one of those things.

I’ve heard a lot that as soon as you stop looking, you find someone.  I don’t want that to be true.  Because then, when you stop looking, you start looking.  All of the fun adventures that I would want to do on dates, I can do with a group of my friends here, and it’s a thousand times more enjoyable.
I want to be in love with life again before I fall in love with a person.

A lot of people believe in soul mates, or believe that they’re only half of an entity until they find their other half.  But I want to be whole and unbroken.  I want to be desired because I’m independent and following my dreams.  I want my heart to be full.  And I’m getting there.

So yes, I’m a single human.  That’s exactly who I’m supposed to be.  That’s exactly who I want to be.  And that is the end.