About Hope

I tend to remember everything.  More specifically, I remember almost every conversation, especially minor ones, that I have with people.  As of late I have learned not to bring up old conversations, because the speaker usually doesn’t remember saying the things that I remember.  But I digress.  

I once had a conversation with a good friend of mine, Aaron.  I was 2.5 years ago, and my mind was still pretty messed up.  I wasn’t sure how long I would be metaphorically “sticking around” then, but I had a little bit of a grasp of what I would do if I got through my ish.  I had an answer for everything, even in my brokenness.  I was pushing people away in a successful manner.  Throughout our conversation Aaron noticed something.  He then asked me where my hope was.  I had no answer.  I had no answer, because I had no hope.  Even though I was in Bible college, doing my best to follow a God who I felt was betraying me, I had no hope.  My hope was not in God, even though I desperately wanted it to be.  

Fast forward a few years to where I am right now.  For church on Sunday we made s’mores and had community time.  We separated into groups around the four separate campfires and we told God stories.  I had on my heart a need to share where I had been and how I got to where I am now.  I talked about how I had always had a plan, and now that I have no plan I am more content than I have been in a while.  My sharing sparked an ongoing conversation, and some prayer and some vulnerability.  One of my roommates, Gus, went on to point something out to me.  He said that it seemed that for a long time I have had no hope in my life.  When I had a plan, I had no hope.  But now, he said, I have an evident hope.  Even though I have no idea what my life holds, I have hope.  

So maybe when I have plans, I put my hope in them.  If I have learned anything in my life though, it’s that if I don’t get my hopes up, they can’t be let down.  Now that I have no plan, I cannot be let down.  My hope is in God’s plan, and not knowing what it is makes life a little bit more of an adventure.  And I want to be in love with adventure.

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Realizations

Today was a hard day.  Parts of yesterday were hard also, but that’s besides the point.  This will probably be short, but these are some things that I have realized over the past couple of days.

  1. If I were an animal, I would be a cat.  I don’t particularly like cats, but I’ve been compared to one recently, more than once, and I’m beginning to see why.  Cats tend to wander, but spend time alone.  I wander and go to find people when I feel lonely or that I need people.  Then I leave when I feel ignored.  If I feel annoyed or uncomfortable in a situation, I leave.  I kinda chase things around like a cat.  Example: when I attempt the steal the basketball from my friend Sal.  When I walk up to my friends, I hit them with my head, the way a cat would when they want attention.  I’m not really sure why I do these things, I’ve always been more of a dog person.
  2. I don’t currently have any friends that I can rely on except for maybe these two guys I know.  They are good.  There are people that I’ve depended on lately, but I can’t rely on them.  In fact, today I realized that I go to find people, I search them out, but no one will do that for me.  None of my “good friends” search me out.  They swear that they’ll freak out or be changed forever if I was gone, but I’m sure they wouldn’t notice for a while.  Like at least a week.  Today I took one of the few chick friends I thought I could rely on to the store with me and I told her how I felt.  I told her that it hurts that no one asks me to hang out and that I am almost to the point of giving up.  Do you know what she said?  You make us feel guilty when you tell us that we never hang out anymore, so we feel bad and don’t want to hang out.  Does that sound as illogical to you as it did to me?  IF YOU FEEL GUILTY ABOUT SOMETHING, YOU DON’T FREAKIN’ KEEP DOING IT.  So yeah, basically that hurts.  And I feel like dying.
  3. I don’t want a boyfriend.  I don’t even have a desire to really get married or anything.  But I am fighting off feelings for someone that I really don’t want a relationship with.  However, today I realized that our friendship is so great, that he knows how messed up I am, so he’ll never have feelings for me.  This makes me so happy, because it means that I don’t have to worry about falling into a relationship that will probably end up failing.

Not everything about today was bad though.  I went to talk to the head of Res Life in her apartment for a while.  I’ve been asking God for a mentor.  I may have found one.  I may ask her to mentor me or something.  I don’t know.
Right now my head hurts and I’m tired.
Sara OUT.