130

Not many people are aware of how much I struggle with my weight. Inside my head I have been overweight since I was fifteen. I don’t think this is actually true though.

Before I started high school, before I hit puberty, I was barely a size zero. I fully believed I would be able to fit into a size two my entire life. I weighed 98 pounds when I was a freshman and I thought I would always be small and always be able to eat however I wanted. My sophomore year I was having some knee problems, so I couldn’t be as active and I remember being in my english class and looking down and for the first time noticing my stomach. I wasn’t fat. But in my mind I was.

I remember going shopping for shorts with my mom when I was 16. I was doing physical therapy to repair my knee that I had messed up running track, but I was the largest I had ever been. I tried on the size that I thought I should be and it was way too small. This is one of the reasons I won’t buy pants from places like JC Penney or Target, because their sizing is off. A four at Old Navy is an eight at JC Penney. Trying on a six at 16 and having it be too small shattered me. I felt so fat. But a six is not even large. It’s barely considered a medium. But my head believed I needed to be a two, which I will never be again.

My weight has gone up and down over the years. I’ve been in really good shape and I’ve been in terrible shape. I’ve gained weight and I’ve lost it and people have noticed. All I want now is to be healthy.

This year I started a bullet journal, and I’ve dedicated one of the pages to trying to reach my goal weight. I have no idea if I’ll reach it, because muscle weighs more than fat, and who knows if I’ll lose motivation. I want to weigh 130, because I feel like that’s a good weight for my height. However, muscle weighs more than fat, so if I drop in size but not weight, I guess that’s okay too. I guess I just want to see if I can do it. I want to be accountable.

So here’s to 2019 and health and happiness. I want to be my best self.

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Because it’s a new year

I realize that I may have forgotten to acknowledge that it is no longer 2014.  It’s a new year, so maybe I should reflect.

A year ago, I had dreams.  I was not a drifter, and I had plan for where I was going.  I was going to finish a book, graduate college, move to Portland, and be an adult, finally.  I have done one of those things.  I graduated college in May, and if you follow my blog at all, you’ll know that everything changed.  I ended up moving to Mammoth, and I’m still here… I haven’t even written anything for my book in months.  And I feel like I’m somehow still stuck in high school.  It’s time for me to move on.

I’m currently working two jobs, neither of which I hate, but both of which are sucking the life out of me.  One of these jobs pays the bills, the other doesn’t pay me, but allows me to work for my rent.  So basically, I can’t quit either unless I either find a new place to live, or suddenly have no bills and no need to eat ever.
I’m slowly being welcomed into some sort of community here, and I realize more and more that I don’t belong.
Something has to change, or I won’t survive.
I always talk about living the dream, and for a while maybe I was, but I don’t know whose dream it was.  I want more than this.  I want none of this.  I want to be happy.

I am so good at running away.  And I know I’m on the verge of another quick flight.  But if only someone could understand.  I am so much more than unhappy right now.  I am in such a dark place, but there is so much perceived light that maybe I never would have noticed.  I don’t really know that I’m necessarily broken right now, but I know that something just isn’t right.

So maybe I should set a goal or two.  As soon as I come back from Costa Rica I’m going to start saving.  And I’m going to adventure when school is done.  I’m going to drive across America a little bit and find a place to settle.  I’m going to be a bridesmaid in Hannah’s wedding.  I’m going to go to Europe.  And I am going to find myself.  Because I should be important too.