Blogging Everyday in July|Guys, Girls, Friends

Over the years I’m sure I’ve talked about guy-girl relationships before.  And in this moment I’m not sure why we make a deal out of it.  Can guys and girls be just friends?  Why is that a question?  Obviously the answer is always yes, but it’s as if so many people don’t want it to be.  But that’s not even what I was planning on writing about today.

I am one of those girls who connects more with guys.  I always have.  Maybe it’s because I had an older brother and grew up in the middle of nowhere and liked doing things outside.  “Boy things.”  That’s what they called hiking and camping and riding bikes and playing in the dirt when I was a kid.  Now they’re just “things that people do, regardless of their gender.”  Because people are trying again to realize the equality of the genders.  But again, I digress.
My mother wanted me to be a tomboy.  I wasn’t allowed to be a girl scout because she hated it when she was a child.  I wasn’t allowed to be a cheerleader because she didn’t want me cheering for boys.  If I was going to be on the field at a sports game, I better be playing.
But now she wants me to wear lipstick and dress like a lady, so I’m not entirely sure how this all makes sense.  The first time she heard me swear she blamed the “guys I hang out with.”  Because curse words aren’t said by females, I guess.  Sorry, I’ll stop.

When I am in a room of people, I naturally find myself sitting with a group of guys.  I seek out guy friendships before girl friendships, until I become aware of it.  In high school, almost all of my friends were guys and they made all the guy jokes and it didn’t matter that there was a girl in the room.  In college, I had a few choice female friends, and then a lot of guy friends.  That’s how it is everywhere I go in life.  And this isn’t because I’m subconsciously looking for a boyfriend.  I don’t date or develop feelings for most of my guy friends, and I’m sure they could say the same for me.  We just get along.
And it’s not even that I don’t like hanging out with girls.  My best friend is a girl.  And since I’ve moved to Florence, I’ve made a point to develop some strong female friendships.  A group of us have a Bible study/hang out every Thursday.  And I’m so thankful for it.  But part of the reason I want strong female friendships is because it seems like it’s time.  Like I’ve finally started to believe this lie that guys and girls can’t be just friends.  That it’s always something more on one end.  Or that all of my guy friends will be intimidating to a future partner.  But this isn’t true.  I don’t know what is true.

I like people.  I like friends, old and new.  I like that we can make the world a better place if we try to.  I like that although we are all flawed, we make a kaleidoscope of good intentions.  I get that genders are different.  But also, I don’t.  I understand anatomy and thinking.  But hearts and souls are the same.  Can’t we all just be friends?

Crushes

I get two kinds of crushes, neither of which is very often or very serious.

I get crushes on people who are my friends, but maybe not super close friends.  People who I spend time with and enjoy talking to, and could possibly have a future with if we wanted to make it work.  But nothing ever changes.  I don’t ask them out, and no one would ever know I even liked this person.  Sometimes my closest friends know, but that’s not even always true.  The person in question never knows.  And I would never know if any silly feelings were reciprocated.
These people are usually safe.  They’re usually Christian.  They usually make me laugh, and I don’t usually have feelings of any sort for them when we first meet.  They’re not usually who I would picture in my mind as someone I could be with before I get to know them.  But really, these are the kind that are better.

I also occasionally get crushes on people that I meet only once or twice.  People that I hardly know.  People that I was just introduced to and clicked and thought they were really attractive.  These people usually flirt with me.  We talk for a long time and go on adventures with our mutual friends.  But usually they don’t live here.  Or I don’t live there.  And our friendship literally only lasted a few days.  But these crushes are so exciting.  Thinking about them gives me butterflies.  I get giddy when I find out that they think I’m cute too.  They probably know that I’m interested, but I’m not forward enough to ever actually say anything, even though I really have nothing to lose.
I know so many girls that talk about who they like, but I never do, at least not with anyone who knows the person in question. What is so bad about me telling the mutual friend that they’re friend is hot?  Would they really judge me?

A month or so ago I was sitting in a pub with a friend of mine who is a few years older than I am.  He said that it doesn’t get easier as you get older.  He said that saying what is on my mind about my feelings for a person does no harm.  It’s not a bad thing to take risks.  So what am I so afraid of?  Am I honestly going to be single forever?  Probably not, but I should really stop being so silly.

Again

When people ask me what my type is, I usually say your name
But I can’t help feeling like this is all just a game
What are we playing at?

You are music to my ears
And my knees grow weak at the mere sight of you
I am so fragile in your hands
Please don’t break me

And I know it’s against my better judgment to let you in again
But who am I kidding?
I can’t say no to you

You had me at hello
And I could never let that go
No matter how hard I tried

You’re everywhere in my mind
Even as I try to forget
There’s still traces of you that I’ll never erase

I keep this door I’ve closed unlocked
Just in case you try to come in again
You don’t even have to knock, I’ve been saving you a key

And as broken as I am, I keep waiting for you
I don’t even have to expect your return
You always find your way back to me

I like to think that together, we are home
But we still set each other free to roam
On the coldest nights, I just want to know I’m not alone

Somehow though, I think I’m always alone with you
The closer that we come, the lonelier I get
Because I know the time is coming when you’ll leave me again

I hate when you forget me
But maybe I’m never forgotten
You always seem to remember me enough to return right when I move on

As much as I’d like to leave you behind
We both know that’ll never happen
I drowned in your ocean far too long ago

If there’s ever someone new
They can never compare to you
So shall we try this again?

Forgive

I will forgive you
For breaking my heart
For leaving me at the start
For ripping this apart

I will forgive you
For letting me down when I let you in
For making me lose so that you could win
For destroying me again

I forgive you
Even though you almost made me love you
Even though we could have been two
Even though I feel like a fool

I will let this all go
Because I can’t let you go
But do my feelings show?
You mold my heart like playdough

I’ll forgive you
Even if you still break me
Even if that’s all you see
Even if this sets you free

See, I’ll forgive you every time
There is truth in every rhyme
Everytime I search, you’re what I find
But even as I forgive, I promise, I’ll never forget, this won’t leave my mind.

Yours (Too Many Times)

This is a rough cut of a song I wrote that really needs to be re-recorded, but I’m too lazy and not talented enough to work at it.  But I felt like sharing it.

It’s been too many times that I’ve been broken
But I keep coming back to you
And it’s been too many times that you have messed up
But you keep coming back to me, too
And we both know that I’ll forgive you too many times
Still hopin’ that somehow we will get it right
Hopin’ it all just be fine

I would be yours forever
If you would just ask me
If you would just say the word
Already I am yours forever
In the midst of everything
Even when my heart is breaking
I’m still yours

It’s been too many times that you have left me
And I only know how to let you
It’s been too many times that I’ve pushed you away
And that’s all you let me do
For far too long now we have let this go on
Knowing that we’ll probably never get it right
But it’s so damn good while we’re gettin’ wrong

I would be yours forever
If you would just ask me
If you would just say the word
Already I am yours forever
In the midst of everything
Even when my heart is breaking
I’m still yours

I’ve been yours
Far too many times before
Even as I let go
Even as I move on
Everytime you say the word
I’m still yours

I would be yours forever
If you would just ask me
If you would just say the word
Already I am yours forever
In the midst of everything
Even when my heart is breaking
I’m still yours

Some Honesty

I don’t think I am the girl who you think I am
I don’t think I want to be her anymore

You have tried to tell me that I deserve better than this
But what if I don’t want better than this?

My heart is fond of long drives in fast cars and boys with tattoos
It is afraid of commitment, so it’s okay if he is too
Taking things slowly for me is on a different spectrum than it is for you
And knowing I’m not yet “wife material” isn’t a dig, it’s a happy reality

I don’t want to settle down yet
But I still want my life to be fun, in its own way
I need a constant reminder that I’m still young
So I like all these games we play

So maybe I won’t ask you to stay
But if you did, I’d be okay

Left

I think I fell in love with you at the very first second.
I miss you already, and you haven’t even said goodbye.
I’d hold you in my arms if they were strong enough
But now I’m just wishing you’d hold me.

I’d say I’d stay with you till the end of time,
But time stopped ticking a while ago
And I’m still here waiting
While you’re nowhere to be found

Please don’t leave me in the rearview
Let me stay in your passenger seat
I’ll be your satellite
You can be my navigation

Falling is such a strange thing
Because you’d never know it
Until someone reaches out their arms to catch you
Until they drop you