Crushes

I get two kinds of crushes, neither of which is very often or very serious.

I get crushes on people who are my friends, but maybe not super close friends.  People who I spend time with and enjoy talking to, and could possibly have a future with if we wanted to make it work.  But nothing ever changes.  I don’t ask them out, and no one would ever know I even liked this person.  Sometimes my closest friends know, but that’s not even always true.  The person in question never knows.  And I would never know if any silly feelings were reciprocated.
These people are usually safe.  They’re usually Christian.  They usually make me laugh, and I don’t usually have feelings of any sort for them when we first meet.  They’re not usually who I would picture in my mind as someone I could be with before I get to know them.  But really, these are the kind that are better.

I also occasionally get crushes on people that I meet only once or twice.  People that I hardly know.  People that I was just introduced to and clicked and thought they were really attractive.  These people usually flirt with me.  We talk for a long time and go on adventures with our mutual friends.  But usually they don’t live here.  Or I don’t live there.  And our friendship literally only lasted a few days.  But these crushes are so exciting.  Thinking about them gives me butterflies.  I get giddy when I find out that they think I’m cute too.  They probably know that I’m interested, but I’m not forward enough to ever actually say anything, even though I really have nothing to lose.
I know so many girls that talk about who they like, but I never do, at least not with anyone who knows the person in question. What is so bad about me telling the mutual friend that they’re friend is hot?  Would they really judge me?

A month or so ago I was sitting in a pub with a friend of mine who is a few years older than I am.  He said that it doesn’t get easier as you get older.  He said that saying what is on my mind about my feelings for a person does no harm.  It’s not a bad thing to take risks.  So what am I so afraid of?  Am I honestly going to be single forever?  Probably not, but I should really stop being so silly.

Lust and Boundaries

I got a phone call from a friend of mine today.  He won’t be named, but he asked me to write this blog afterward.

The call started out innocently enough; two friends catching up and talking about life and the things that have happened.  I haven’t seen him since I graduated college, so it’s been about four months, but he’s easily one of my best friends, and he’s one of the few people that is completely vulnerable with me, while asking for me to do the same.  We don’t judge each other, even though we both make dumb decisions from time to time.  So talking to him helps me balance my life sometimes, and I guess maybe it’s the same for him as well.

He recently started dating someone.  Her past in relationships is much more checkered than his is, and he said this could cause him to “stumble” as the Christians say, but it has also hurt her a lot.  He asked me if he could get a girl’s perspective on something.  He asked where two people in a relationship should draw the line, where their boundaries should be.  And that is a good question, isn’t it?  Growing up in the Church has allowed for a lot of influence on this topic.  Christians believe in boundaries.  Wait… I thought they believed in Jesus?  And I digress.
Boundaries are a good thing, a healthy thing, but do we put too much emphasis on them?  I’ve never actually sat down and talked with a potential partner about where our boundaries should be.  Holding hands?  Kissing?  Making out?  Oral sex?  Intercourse?  (I’m cringing as I type this.)  These are conversations I hate having.  But why?  Is it because I’m just easily made to feel uncomfortable?  Or is it something deeper than that?
I think those who grow up in the Church are a little bit afraid to breach the topic of sex.  And I know this has been addressed as of late.  But why are we so afraid?  Sex is shameful!  Isn’t it?  If you have sex before marriage, you are forever tainted.  Unless you reinstate your virginity.  Wait, you can do that?  Maybe… but I don’t think it should matter.  Because Christ died for us so that we could be forgiven, so we should be making such a big deal about someone’s mess ups in their sexlife!
But back to the topic of boundaries.  My friend asked me where they should be drawn.  And honestly, I think it’s up the the individuals involved.  If two people are going to have a physical relationship, and they’re worried about going “too far” (whatever that means), then they should talk about it.  Seriously people, just talk to each other!  I’m the worst person at it, and even I can recognize that it needs to happen.
So as for my friend and his girlfriend, he’s a virgin, and wants to stay that way till marriage.  He’s never done more than make out with a girl, and that’s perfectly okay.  But his girlfriend hasn’t saved herself.  So if he’s not comfortable doing anymore than making out, they should stop there.  And if she’s right for him, she’ll understand.  Is this tmi?

Now, on the topic of lust.  He asked me about this too.  Which I don’t know why anyone would consider me someone to go to on any of these topics, but here goes.
He asked me specifically about when Christ said that if a man even looks at a woman lustfully, than he has committed adultery in his mind.  And this statement has been analysed so much that some people believe it’s wrong to wear shorts or v-necks if you’re a woman, because you might cause a guy to sin.  But that’s not what I think Jesus meant.  I think He was talking about what would be the modern day cat-callers.  Those guys that see a girl purely for her body and what they could do to it.  They don’t see a human being, even if they think they do.  They don’t care that this girl might be funny, or might have a phd, or might have an almost unhealthy obsession with dinosaurs.
My friend that asked me this question, because when two people are dating, or if they have any relationship that is even close to dating, they’re probably going to have thoughts about a physical relationship.  Is that bad?  I don’t think so.  Not unless you’re dwelling on these thoughts, or worse, acting on these thoughts.  You can’t always control the thoughts you have, especially if you have any kind of desire for someone.  And desire isn’t bad.  It’s just too much desire, or wrongly placed desire, that can turn a situation sour.

So, I’m not really sure how to end this.  I’ll just leave it here.  And remember, I’m no dating expert, otherwise, I might go on more dates.