About Hope

I tend to remember everything.  More specifically, I remember almost every conversation, especially minor ones, that I have with people.  As of late I have learned not to bring up old conversations, because the speaker usually doesn’t remember saying the things that I remember.  But I digress.  

I once had a conversation with a good friend of mine, Aaron.  I was 2.5 years ago, and my mind was still pretty messed up.  I wasn’t sure how long I would be metaphorically “sticking around” then, but I had a little bit of a grasp of what I would do if I got through my ish.  I had an answer for everything, even in my brokenness.  I was pushing people away in a successful manner.  Throughout our conversation Aaron noticed something.  He then asked me where my hope was.  I had no answer.  I had no answer, because I had no hope.  Even though I was in Bible college, doing my best to follow a God who I felt was betraying me, I had no hope.  My hope was not in God, even though I desperately wanted it to be.  

Fast forward a few years to where I am right now.  For church on Sunday we made s’mores and had community time.  We separated into groups around the four separate campfires and we told God stories.  I had on my heart a need to share where I had been and how I got to where I am now.  I talked about how I had always had a plan, and now that I have no plan I am more content than I have been in a while.  My sharing sparked an ongoing conversation, and some prayer and some vulnerability.  One of my roommates, Gus, went on to point something out to me.  He said that it seemed that for a long time I have had no hope in my life.  When I had a plan, I had no hope.  But now, he said, I have an evident hope.  Even though I have no idea what my life holds, I have hope.  

So maybe when I have plans, I put my hope in them.  If I have learned anything in my life though, it’s that if I don’t get my hopes up, they can’t be let down.  Now that I have no plan, I cannot be let down.  My hope is in God’s plan, and not knowing what it is makes life a little bit more of an adventure.  And I want to be in love with adventure.

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Off the Radar

I’ve spent much of my life off the radar.  That’s what I’m most used to.  I almost prefer it that way, because when people of importance start to take interest in me, I start to gain unnecessary hope.  I hate feeling hopeful.  I know, that may sound stupid, but I don’t like getting let down.  I let myself down all the time, and I can only expect everyone else to do the same.  I’m realizing that I don’t trust people.  I will not put my faith in anyone.  My faith belongs to God, even if it isn’t always evident when I’m trying so very hard to rid myself of life.

I hate that people try to make plans with me.  I hate it, because it makes me feel like I might have some extra importance.  And then, they never follow through on what they say they’re going to do with me.  Well, I guess I can’t say “never.”  Sometimes people do actually follow through on making plans with me; it’s just rare.

I want to spend this year simply getting closer to God, not to people.  I almost want to just push all people out of my life.  I don’t want to be close to anyone.  I don’t want anyone to love me.  I know this sounds like I have some screwed up theology, because it says in the Word that we need relationship, but I believe that in my current state that I can only hurt people.  In the same way, people only hurt me, even if by accident.  I know that all the pain around me is solely my fault, but I don’t mean for it to happen.  I just want to die.  I hate to be so bluntly honest, but it’s true.  I can’t really do anything about my wants though.  My desires are pointless.  Thus, I will remain.

This season in my life is a hard one.  One I’m meant to go through alone.  One of singleness and solitarily confining myself to space by myself, with Jesus.  I will allow Jesus to love me, because He made me.  He died for me.  I cannot forget that.  He became man and gave up His life for me.  I wouldn’t give up my life for me.  I would give up my life for many people, but not for me.  I know I’m not worth dying for.  But Christ died for me.  Holy crap.  What a God.  I don’t know anyone else who would do anything like that for one such as me.  I know I didn’t deserve it.  There are few that do, probably none, because Christ was/is perfect.  Oh man.

I am back at school and taking in all that can while struggling with my own sickness and stupidity.  I’m praying that I can get back to running soon.  I want to be healthy.  I know it’s really hard for me to do that for myself, to go out of my way to keep myself healthy, but I think it’s something that I need to do.  I need to maybe start caring about myself… or maybe I just need to give up…