Not Even Falling

It’s easy to feel forgotten in the familiarity around you
But you are not forgotten
It’s easy to feel you are losing yourself, caught up in it all
But you are not lost

Maybe you were led here for a reason
He’s waiting patiently for you to embrace it
So wrap your arms around this confusion
And realize that it’s not confusing at all
It’s all a part of the adventure

Maybe you feel small, that you could have no impact
But a raindrop can cause a tidal wave
A butterfly’s wings can cause a hurricane
And it’s hard to notice anything outside of the storm anyway

You might dive in straight, afraid to make a splash
But you’re a freaking cannonball
These waters are churning

He holds his breath in anticipation
Excited for your next move
While you fear the wrongness of each decision
He has already seen the outcome
And it is BIG

You are a BIG DEAL
Created more than worthy
Here with more than a purpose
And maybe your impact feels small because you’re already a giant

Don’t be afraid of the next step
Or the next
Or the one after that
This ground you walk on is solid
It will not cave beneath your feet

But even if it does
You are not forgotten
You are not lost
And there will always be hands to catch you
Even when you’re not even falling

Party

I would rather be where the party isn’t
But still be invited to the party
I don’t need to be here
And it doesn’t need to be known
Though I am not forgotten
In the moment I am forgotten

Alone in an empty room
Seems a thousand times safer
Than vulnerable in a room with familiar faces
Please don’t include me
While you include me

The Case of the “I Don’t Matter”s

I’m experiencing an increasing case of the “I don’t matter”s.  So much that it’d probably be easier to disappear.  And I don’t need people to try harder or act smarter or to learn to remember.  Because it’s me.

And it makes me think.  Maybe no one really matters.  I mean, people matter to each other, and it’s my fault that I have no one.  I’ve never really learned to have anyone.  But in the largest meaning of the word, no one matters.  We are all just blips.  Time keeps going, and the longer time gets, the smaller chance our existence will impact anything.

I feel really abandoned, but I’m the one who abandons.  I’m the one who packs up and moves away.  I’m the one who doesn’t stay in touch.  I’m the heart breaker with a broken heart.

I went to a friend’s family’s thanksgiving.  I traveled to be there.  On the way home, I realized it probably would have been better for everyone if I hadn’t gone.  My being there changed nothing.  I was just overwhelmed.  Because I don’t like lots of new people.  I don’t like feeling stuck.  I’m not good at socializing.  Why do I think that because there is a holiday, I need to spend it somewhere, when I’d be happier at home?  I don’t matter.

I entered into something I didn’t mean to enter into.  But it wouldn’t matter if I was here or not.  They can argue over everything without me anyway.  And there would probably be fewer arguments if I didn’t show up, because I’m too liberal, apparently.  Anything I have to say just gets interrupted and forgotten.  I don’t matter.

And when people say that nothing is going to change, it always changes.  When they say you won’t get dropped, they’ll have excuses for when you do.  Because it’s impossible to articulate anything real at all.

I feel alone.  But I feel alone because I don’t know how to express what is inside of me.  I don’t know how to make anyone understand this grief that has built up.  I don’t know how to be anyone else.  I don’t matter.

Trust

Trust.  It’s something I’ve talked about a lot.  I’ve talked about moving across the country and trusting God that it’s the right decision.  I’ve talked about how scary trust is sometimes.  I’ve probably talked about trusting people.  But I was recently confronted with a realization.

A close friend tried to promise something and I said I wouldn’t hold them to that.  They asked if I trusted them.  I told them that I was fairly certain I didn’t know what trust is.

And maybe that’s true.  That I don’t know what trust is.

Trust is defined as the “belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength” of someone or something.  It means to “have faith or confidence.”

Such a simple definition for such a huge concept.

Trusting God is hard, but it’s also the best decision, because he already knows the outcome.  Trusting a bridge when you cross it makes sense, because you’ve crossed it before, it has been crossed a thousand times.  We trust what we know.  We trust what makes sense.  We trust what we’ve experienced before.

But trusting people?  I’m pretty sure I forgot how to do that a long time ago.  Because people are forever changing.  If I look at my own life, a year and a half ago, I had no idea that I’d be living so far from where I grew up.  I didn’t know that I’d be starting my life over.  I didn’t realize that I would suddenly become an unknown.  So anyone who trusted that I would stay in Mammoth, or in California, or at least on the western side of the country ended up having their trust broken.
People have their own agendas.  So being close to someone, trusting someone, is one of the easiest ways to be let down in the long run.  As soon as my heart calls me somewhere else, I’ll probably leave, so if anyone comes too close, I’ll let them down.  And every time I am somewhere new, or around new people, I’m an exciting person, because I don’t really fit into any regular mold.  I am constantly surprising.  However, after a while, that gets old too.

I recently told someone that it’s better to be hated than to be passively ignored and forgotten.  Not a lot of people hate me.  But a lot have gotten over me.  That’s one of the things that I can really trust.

Sure, go ahead and prove me wrong.  I mean, it’s fine.  I’m fine.  I’m pretty much just over all the false promises.  And I fully understand that no one does this on purpose.  You can’t know the future when you say something in the present.
I promise to never promise something again.  Trust me.

And Then She Walked Into the Room

And then she walked into the room
And everything was forgotten
Words stopped flowing
As awe washed over
Interrupting banter
But is it even important?

And then she walked into the room
Eyes rushed toward her
Welcoming her home
As if for the very first time
Hearts skipped a beat
And ears stopped hearing

And then she walked into the room
Like nothing else mattered
Prodigal returned
Swept up in it all
All else is forgotten

And then she walked into the room
And I ceased to exist

Sitting in Silence

Sitting in silence
By myself
With myself
Really getting to know myself
As my purpose is forgotten

So utterly alone
Wondering if I can make it
On my own
As it’s too late
To abandon this quest

Empty home
Empty heart
Fill me up
To the brim
Overflowing
Welcome me in

No one said this was easy
Though I wish it was
It’s something I have to do
My hand is held
Let me just trust this

Within my chest
Lays a cavern
Where my heart still beats
Where my lungs still breathe
Take care of me

Mistaken identity
Please remember me
Though I won’t be returning to you
Anytime soon

I was used
Abused
And kept coming back for more
Because I’d forgotten how to feel
And I just needed to feel something

Yet now I feel too much
Threatening to pull away at every touch
Begging you to hold me
2,000 miles away
I’m lonely
Sitting in silence

Touching Presence

Feel it build with the music
Something I’d forgotten
Something worth chasing
I’ll catch it as I rest

Faces unfamiliar
No knowledge that they are welcoming me
The prodigal has come home

Peace washes over the room
Presence touching souls
Warming in a new light
Now open your eyes

Consume me in this fire
Burn me up
Take my bones and remake me
Into who I’m supposed to be

I have a purpose
Though I’m easily distracted
I just had to find it again
As it’s standing right in front of me

Are You Listening?

This tastes wrong
Not the way it used to
Begging me to stay
Rather than pushing me to leave
Yet I am not even me anymore
So that could be part of the problem
As every passing moment pushes me closer to the edge
My demise is inevitable
Although I wonder if I can still be saved
My unwillingness to change will only hold me down
Still I am changing
Unrecognizable
Could you still find me?
Or am I already forgotten?
You’re not even looking anymore

I thought this was something else
Way back when
At the beginning
All the times I tried to correct my mind
It wandered anyway
And I don’t believe in any of this anymore
As my heart beats
None of it is for you
Though is it for me?
I’m guessing there is no answer

I have found myself searching again
No longer content
As every new face is a curiosity
Brinking on obsession
Though love is nonexistent
Something exists within me
That is begging to be loved
You never would
None of them could
It’s too late for that anyhow
So I’ll take my bow

I just needed a last hurrah
My eyes are set on one
Trying to keep it a secret
It’s already known
Please hear this
My words are scattered
Still ringing true
Whispering
Are you listening?

Not Love; Infatuation

Infatuation:
An intense admiration

I am not in love with you
But I find myself infatuated with you
Not quite obsessed
Finding reasons to keep you on my mind

When I first met you, I knew
I knew that I might someday fall for you
Something told me that it would be easy to do
Yet it left me uneasy
And you left me altogether
Simply a visitor here

Months went by
Nearly forgotten
But not quite
Finding you again and realizing that nothing has changed

You should know that with you it would be real
I would never be with you if it was only for a night
It would have to be for a lifetime
You are forever material

You are a risk and a liability
Wondering if you’re worth taking
Knowing that even if you are, I’m probably not

If you would have me
I’d drop everything else
Yet that seems mighty desperate
As I’m desperately infatuated with you