All That I Am

I might be fake.  I know I’m not fake.  But I might be.  Because I cover it all up.  As honest as I am on paper, very rarely will that honesty spill out of my being in real life.  Very rarely will I be okay with someone seeing me as I am.  Because I expect to be rejected.  Which is why it’s so very hard for me to reject.

I had a hard week.  Maybe one of the hardest, in a very different way.  In a way that I can’t process.  Because I’ve been on the other side, almost.  I can’t write about it, but I’ve talked about it.  I feel like I need to keep talking about it.  Because I’m not sure if I dreamt it.

I am not a burden.  But sometimes I believe I am.  Sometimes, when I have constant communication and suddenly no communication, I feel like a nuisance.  Sometimes, when I can’t process something,  I ask for help, and it gets blown out of proportion and that becomes everything.  Sometimes I feel that my problems are all that I am.  But that’s not all that I am.
I am fun.  I am small and, some might say, adorable.  I am an adventurer.  I love the people in my life.  I love when people see my potential.  Because I have potential.  I am human.  I am creative.

Thursday night, I was gathering my things to leave the house I was at.  And my three friends were on the couches.  And suddenly I broke down and sobbed.  I don’t sob.  Not in front of people, for sure.  It all spilled out of me, for a moment.  That kind of vulnerability is terrifying.  I want to be strong.  I want to be sane.  But I am far too aware of my insanity.

So yesterday I felt lost.  Yesterday I felt empty.  I still feel that way.  And I’ll be honest.  I thought about old coping mechanisms.  I thought about my options.  I could become numb.  I could close myself off.  I could disappear.  Instead, I went and bought a hamster.  My hamster is great.  Because I’m great.  I feel like a child.  But I am so content with my decision.  Maybe, someday I’ll let you meet my hamster.  Because I am not fake.  I am real.  I am a real human with real issues, and a real hamster.  (It’s less commitment than a dog).

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Blogging Everyday in July|Celebrity Distractions

Have you heard about all the beef going down between Taylor Swift, Kanye, and Kim Kardashian?  I guess they’re in a fight.  Why do we care?  Because they’re famous.  Because it gives us something to focus on.  Because we don’t want to focus on the conflicts in our own lives.  We need a distraction.  We need a distraction from the hate in politics and deaths in the media.  We need a distraction from the war going on on the other side of the world.  We need a distraction from the war going on on our own soil.

A coworker brought up to me that he thinks celebrities and Hollywood and the tabloids are just a ploy to distract us from political issues.  He compares it to the gladiator battles from Roman times.  Those caught public eye, so they didn’t notice that Rome was collapsing.  And I’m not saying that our government is collapsing.  But I’m not saying that it’s not.  I’m not saying that there aren’t issues there to be addressed.  I’m not trying to point out that our voting decision seems to have become a choice between the lesser of two evils.  It’s just easier to get upset about one celebrity calling out another celebrity than it is to take a stand for our brothers and sisters losing their lives and living in fear because they are of a different race, religion,  or sexual orientation.

Yesterday I felt like listening to Macklemore.  Did you know he had a new album?  I’m not good at following artists or anything like that, so I hadn’t noticed.  But it’s fairly amazing.  Same old fighting words, same old spoken word rap feel, same political lyrics mixed with upbeat funny songs.  Really, it’s worth listening to.  Anyway, the song Light Tunnels is a song that I can’t stop thinking about.  It has to do with going to the Grammy’s and winning their award.  It has to do with the falsity and cravings of the commercial public.  We crave controversy.  It’s a distraction from what is real in the world.  Go listen to it.

Do you remember the Hunger Games, the books and the movies?  The Capital?  I like to think it’s a statement on what the world is becoming.  We like to just watch.  We like to make ourselves crazy and beautiful and beautifully crazy.  We like to have something to distract us from the wars and the hardships.  We like to be sheltered from reality.  Give us something to talk about.  Don’t tell us that another airport was bombed.  Don’t tell us that someone ran a bus through a parade.  Don’t tell us that cops are killing innocent people because of the color of their skin.  Don’t tell us that we’re privileged.  Just tell us that Tswift and Kanye are fighting again.  Tell us that Hiddleswift is real.  Tell us that Miley and Liam got back together.  That’s what we want to hear.  We don’t want to be forced to deal with what is actually real. It’s just a distraction.  And pretty soon, an orange man might be our president.  Snow.

Blogging Everyday in July|Social Media

Do you ever log onto Facebook and see someone’s post about something great that happened that day?  Do you log onto Instagram and see photos from some new and exciting adventure?  Do you see tweets on Twitter from all your friends who appear to be hanging out without you?  Can I let you in a secret?  It’s not real.  Not really.

Yes, great things are happening in your friends’ lives, but that’s not all.  Think about what you post on social media.  You only share what you want people to see.  You of course share the good times, the fun times, the spontaneous jam sessions, and midnight adventures.  How often do  you post the dark times, the lonely times, the times you feel left out?  Exactly.  Because when people are negative on social media, they look annoying and pessimistic, unless they find a way to do it in a funny way.

And I’m not saying any of this to point a finger.  We all do it.  I do it.  Go through my feed and you’ll see photos from my adventures and posts about how great my friends are.  I once had a friend from college say that I only take photos in scenic places.  Which is only true because that’s what I share.  I do my best to make my ordinary surroundings look extraordinary.  I go out of my way to find something beautiful.  I push myself.  And I think for a while it became less about the adventure and more about the photo.

When I lived at the camp in Mammoth, 85% of my photos were taken in the same location, but if you didn’t live there, you’d never know it.  I could walk less than 200 feet and get a completely different vantage point.

I took far too many ski lift photos to show how sporty I am.  Except I rarely skied more than three hours at a time, and I usually went up for less time than that.  But that’s only because I had the luxury to do so.  I want my life to be an adventure, so I did my best to show that I really was adventuring.

In reality, I spent a majority of my time at work, and the rest of my free time drinking, sleeping, or wasting time with the boyf on Netflix.  I’d probably ski once every week or two.

I gave the illusion that I travel a lot.  I’d post photos of Costa Rica or Ireland like it was no big deal.  But those trips were life changing, and I have no idea when I’ll be able to do another one.

A lot of times social media can bring depression.  We feel alone or sad or lost, and people post about how their lives are so great.  You’d never know that those same people have struggles too.  If social media is getting you down, maybe you should unplug for a little while.  I know I’m thinking about it.

Because social media isn’t all negative.  It has a way of building community.  I am able to keep in contact with my friends from literally all over the world.

So we have to take the good with the bad.  Step back, look at what you have.  And maybe, the next time you get annoyed at how great someone’s life appears, think about what you’re sharing.  Because you’re probably comparing their positive with your negative, and that’s never a good idea.

Cyclical

Currently wondering what the point is
As I seem to always find myself back here
If life is a never ending cycle
How do I break it?

I don’t want to end everything
Just this, right here
When my heart turns to ice
And no one can hear me anymore
That’s when I know I’ve disappeared again

I don’t ask to be invisible
When they look at me they see right through me
And not in a good way

I thought I was known again
Crisis averted
Yet that was a false positive
There’s no point in making plans
What am I worth?

I know somewhere in the back of my mind that I am worth more than this
Believing that doesn’t make anything change though
So it’s time I stopped trying
Maybe