Anti Permanence

I’m in that state again.  You know, that state.  I poured out too much of myself.  And now I’m just done.  Hopefully just for a little while.

I decided to play through some old songs.  Songs I wrote when I was nineteen.  Songs from that time in my life.  And it made me think.  It’s always dangerous to think too deep, maybe.  I started to think about the people who used to be in my life.  All the people I’ve talked about forever with.  And it makes me think about how there is no forever.  Or there is an eternity.  So maybe I’ll see them again.  But not in this life.  Not now.

I took a nap.  I only take naps when my mind is in it’s current state.  That state.  And when I wake up I usually feel worse.  It makes me want to sleep forever.  And really, how much easier would it be to sleep forever?  It’s one of my dreams in life.  To sleep forever.
But I know that I’ll get up tomorrow and be fine.  I’m always fine.  And in my transient lifestyle, with my anti permanent friendships, relationships, and homes, always being fine will always be permanent.  In the ups and downs, I will always be okay.  I don’t even have anything deep to say right now.

This isn’t quality.  I’m not quality right now.  I joked earlier today about quantity versus quality.  Right now, I feel like neither.  Because my mind is in that state.  But.  But.  That state isn’t a permanent one.  My life has lacked permanence.  And right now, I choose to be thankful for it.  As I’ll get out of this too.

Please Let Go

Words so cryptic, as if she’s done this before
And she has
Done this a thousand times
Every time terrified
That it will be the last

Rehearsing in her mind
Every moment up to the ending
Although no one else has the script
So it never goes quite right

Her heart addicted
To what comes across as manipulation
Trying so hard to push and pull away
Reeling them in anyway

Don’t tell her to hold on
As you hold on
Hands cut on the brokenness
Please let go

Nobody’s Story

Nobody’s story is simple
To get to where you are now had to come from somewhere
Even growing in perfection has moments of misdirection
Every stained glass had its broken moments

The one who has it all together had to learn to stretch to wrap their arms around the broken years
The one who shines so brightly in the light has trouble falling asleep at night because of fear of darkness
The early riser, morning conqueror never fell asleep in the first place
The one so quiet and concentrated has learned to gather scattered thoughts to keep from going crazy

We try to put everyone in a box
Believing no one can understand
That everyone’s life must be easy
Because you can watch them breathe while you feel as though you’re suffocating

Things don’t go to plan
Because the chaos of the universe already has its order
As we try to grasp it we fall apart
Developing a story to be told

Nobody’s story is simple
To get to where you are now had to come from somewhere
So tell it

Stop

Stop
For a moment
Take a deep breath
And remember

He has your back
He goes before you
He holds your hand
As he is guiding you

He is your light
In every dark place
Even when you close your eyes
He is with you

You may be walking
Through the Valley
Of the Shadow of Death
But there is nothing left to fear

You are coated
In armor
Of his holiness
Nothing is out to get you

He is ready
And waiting
For you to leave your fears
Behind you

Diving in headfirst
As you follow him
With every episode
You feel yourself fall away

But you are drawing closer
This is not a mountain
And you’ve already climbed it
You have made it

So stop
For a moment
And breathe
Because he is with you

Cyclical

Currently wondering what the point is
As I seem to always find myself back here
If life is a never ending cycle
How do I break it?

I don’t want to end everything
Just this, right here
When my heart turns to ice
And no one can hear me anymore
That’s when I know I’ve disappeared again

I don’t ask to be invisible
When they look at me they see right through me
And not in a good way

I thought I was known again
Crisis averted
Yet that was a false positive
There’s no point in making plans
What am I worth?

I know somewhere in the back of my mind that I am worth more than this
Believing that doesn’t make anything change though
So it’s time I stopped trying
Maybe

You Move Me; Overtaken

You move me
And it’s like a rhythm I’ve never known before
Floating on your waves
A current that’s not even tangible
Yet I feel it

Feeling my feet go higher
Lifting off the ground
But not even leaving my chair

You are an out of body experience
And you’re all I want to experience

You are my home
No matter where I might find myself
Every road leads back to you
As my heart keeps on beating
For you

You are older than time itself
Still making every moment new
Champion of rebirth
As I’m dying to tangible infatuations
Because nothing else is real enough
After meeting you

Even with closed eyes I see you
Feel you encompassing every atom of my being
The very fabric of my existence becoming saturated with who you are
Not easily forgotten

You are the light to my darkness
Not easily hidden
Coming up in conversation
Like true love always does

Breaking free of all that held me down before
Knowing that you’re still all I ever needed
I will never be running on empty
Because I am already filled up
With every breath
Overtaken