Anti Permanence

I’m in that state again.  You know, that state.  I poured out too much of myself.  And now I’m just done.  Hopefully just for a little while.

I decided to play through some old songs.  Songs I wrote when I was nineteen.  Songs from that time in my life.  And it made me think.  It’s always dangerous to think too deep, maybe.  I started to think about the people who used to be in my life.  All the people I’ve talked about forever with.  And it makes me think about how there is no forever.  Or there is an eternity.  So maybe I’ll see them again.  But not in this life.  Not now.

I took a nap.  I only take naps when my mind is in it’s current state.  That state.  And when I wake up I usually feel worse.  It makes me want to sleep forever.  And really, how much easier would it be to sleep forever?  It’s one of my dreams in life.  To sleep forever.
But I know that I’ll get up tomorrow and be fine.  I’m always fine.  And in my transient lifestyle, with my anti permanent friendships, relationships, and homes, always being fine will always be permanent.  In the ups and downs, I will always be okay.  I don’t even have anything deep to say right now.

This isn’t quality.  I’m not quality right now.  I joked earlier today about quantity versus quality.  Right now, I feel like neither.  Because my mind is in that state.  But.  But.  That state isn’t a permanent one.  My life has lacked permanence.  And right now, I choose to be thankful for it.  As I’ll get out of this too.

Please Let Go

Words so cryptic, as if she’s done this before
And she has
Done this a thousand times
Every time terrified
That it will be the last

Rehearsing in her mind
Every moment up to the ending
Although no one else has the script
So it never goes quite right

Her heart addicted
To what comes across as manipulation
Trying so hard to push and pull away
Reeling them in anyway

Don’t tell her to hold on
As you hold on
Hands cut on the brokenness
Please let go

Nobody’s Story

Nobody’s story is simple
To get to where you are now had to come from somewhere
Even growing in perfection has moments of misdirection
Every stained glass had its broken moments

The one who has it all together had to learn to stretch to wrap their arms around the broken years
The one who shines so brightly in the light has trouble falling asleep at night because of fear of darkness
The early riser, morning conqueror never fell asleep in the first place
The one so quiet and concentrated has learned to gather scattered thoughts to keep from going crazy

We try to put everyone in a box
Believing no one can understand
That everyone’s life must be easy
Because you can watch them breathe while you feel as though you’re suffocating

Things don’t go to plan
Because the chaos of the universe already has its order
As we try to grasp it we fall apart
Developing a story to be told

Nobody’s story is simple
To get to where you are now had to come from somewhere
So tell it

Stop

Stop
For a moment
Take a deep breath
And remember

He has your back
He goes before you
He holds your hand
As he is guiding you

He is your light
In every dark place
Even when you close your eyes
He is with you

You may be walking
Through the Valley
Of the Shadow of Death
But there is nothing left to fear

You are coated
In armor
Of his holiness
Nothing is out to get you

He is ready
And waiting
For you to leave your fears
Behind you

Diving in headfirst
As you follow him
With every episode
You feel yourself fall away

But you are drawing closer
This is not a mountain
And you’ve already climbed it
You have made it

So stop
For a moment
And breathe
Because he is with you