In Love

I have never been in love
I have been in love a thousand times

I fell in love
With Wesley in preschool
Told my dad all about our future life together

I fell in love with that boy in my elementary class
Fell in love what that boy at camp
I couldn’t stop looking to the future

I fell in love with the first guy to crush me
The first one to use me
The first one to put me last

I fell in love with my best friend
Again and again and again
Though he fell for me first
He’ll say it wasn’t love at all

I fell in love with the prince of eBay
And slowly fell out
As I quickly fell for another
And as he dropped me too
I felt my cracks widen
As my contents spilled out
And I fell in love with dying

I fell in love with my failure
Then fell so in love with my music
That I fell in love with spinning words too

I felt myself fall for the bad boy musician
Every bad boy musician
But specifically the one who kept coming back
I let myself fall for him three times too many
He kept coming back for more
Before I finally learned to lock that closed door

I fell in love with the car guy
Every car guy
Who would find some way to rescue me
When they were the ones needing saving

I fell hard for the guy from my work
The first one who I’d let see my soul
The kindest, the sweetest, the one I wanted to give everything to
The first one that was really my fault

I fell in love with the filmmaker in training
And I fell for the guy on the bus
Because they really listened when I spoke
As if my words meant anything at all

I fell in love with the alcoholic drug salesman
Before I ever knew what he was
I let him have me and know me
Learning that I never wanted to be in love

I fell in love with fiction
With thoughts sent from broken minds
Because I forgot to believe in myself

But I fell in love with living
With beauty and vibrance and life
I fell in love with dreaming my reality
And adventures worth more than any love

I refuse to fall in love
I fall in love every time

I have never been in love
I have been in love a thousand times

Crushes

I get two kinds of crushes, neither of which is very often or very serious.

I get crushes on people who are my friends, but maybe not super close friends.  People who I spend time with and enjoy talking to, and could possibly have a future with if we wanted to make it work.  But nothing ever changes.  I don’t ask them out, and no one would ever know I even liked this person.  Sometimes my closest friends know, but that’s not even always true.  The person in question never knows.  And I would never know if any silly feelings were reciprocated.
These people are usually safe.  They’re usually Christian.  They usually make me laugh, and I don’t usually have feelings of any sort for them when we first meet.  They’re not usually who I would picture in my mind as someone I could be with before I get to know them.  But really, these are the kind that are better.

I also occasionally get crushes on people that I meet only once or twice.  People that I hardly know.  People that I was just introduced to and clicked and thought they were really attractive.  These people usually flirt with me.  We talk for a long time and go on adventures with our mutual friends.  But usually they don’t live here.  Or I don’t live there.  And our friendship literally only lasted a few days.  But these crushes are so exciting.  Thinking about them gives me butterflies.  I get giddy when I find out that they think I’m cute too.  They probably know that I’m interested, but I’m not forward enough to ever actually say anything, even though I really have nothing to lose.
I know so many girls that talk about who they like, but I never do, at least not with anyone who knows the person in question. What is so bad about me telling the mutual friend that they’re friend is hot?  Would they really judge me?

A month or so ago I was sitting in a pub with a friend of mine who is a few years older than I am.  He said that it doesn’t get easier as you get older.  He said that saying what is on my mind about my feelings for a person does no harm.  It’s not a bad thing to take risks.  So what am I so afraid of?  Am I honestly going to be single forever?  Probably not, but I should really stop being so silly.

Inspiration

I keep looking for inspiration, but all I can think about is how I’m believing I’m mad at you, because I wish I felt nothing for you at all
You snuck up on me, with your best friend jokes and agreeing that I’m cute and that you’re glad I’m not a twig
Your definition of beauty is better than mine, I find, even though I still can’t quite trust it
I’m believing that I’m broken because I’d rather be that than nothing at all
But that is what I am to you, isn’t it? Nothing at all?
I don’t give out chances easily, and you used up your only one when you didn’t show up after you said that you would
But I’m wondering, did you even say you would?
I swear we had plans that you had forgotten, but your words must not be set in stone like mine are
I’ll stay away now, and soon I’ll be far gone, 3 weeks, forgotten
I don’t fall too easily, but definitely too quickly and I’m so used to picking myself up that I’ve forgotten what really falling feels like
I’ve forgotten what being caught feels like
I’ve forgotten what safety feels like, because I always wriggle my way out of any arms that hold me
I don’t expect your arms to hold me
And maybe I don’t even expect you to notice me, though I believed you already had
So maybe that’s where our problem is, that there isn’t any problem at all because there wasn’t any us to begin with
I could only hope
Because you had it all but one, with your fast car and fast music and fast jokes followed by a fast smile and a fast compliment, calling me an angel
If I’m an angel, than what are you?
My wings have been clipped and I can’t fly on my own, but I refuse to let you hold me down
Throwing my bag over my shoulder, my airplane gate is calling
I’m in the sky with this goodbye

Numbers EP

I’m thinking I’ll get ONE chance to say this…
I really like the way you smile and laugh at me like you might actually think I’m funny
You said I looked cute in my glasses, you think it’s cool that I’m weird, and you’re okay with the fact that I wave things around like I’m my own special form of royalty

I’m thinking it’ll be about TWO seconds before you realize who you are
And you’ll try to get as far away from me as possible
That’s okay, it’s probably time I spent some time apart from you
Gotta get you outta my heart

It’s been at least THREE times you’ve rescued me, you make me think you care
I’ve relaxed, you let me be myself, so it’s time I cleared the air
Your old interest, she’s moved on from you, so I only think it’s fair
That sometimes when I think of you, I run my fingers through my hair

FOUR! is something I hear they yell in golf to let everyone know the ball is flying
I’d be down for mini golfing, a putt-putt date, I’d say it beats fine dining
I know I’m getting cheesy, but it beats all my old whining

Feel free to high FIVE me later
I swear I won’t bite like some toothy alligator
We both like automobiles, we could watch a movie starring Mater
Cool your jets bro, I’m not serious, if there’s someone else I’d say “Date her”

I’m up to number SIX by now, that is, verses I’ve done writ for you
Maybe this should have been shorter, probably a haiku?
Is this real?  Am I actually saying this?  If it is, I don’t know what to do
Because I’m confessing honest feelings and acting like a fool

They say that it’s, what, SEVEN minutes in heaven?  Well I say that’s not for me
I’d rather just hang out with you, kick back, watch some tv
But if I let you pick the show, you’ll lose points if you choose Glee
Who cares?  Let’s buzz around, the best things in life are free

Octopi have EIGHT legs, same amount of top friends on the old MySpace
If I were to be honest with you, boy, you’re easy on the eyes and I kinda like your face
I’m probably freaking you out by now, sorry if that’s the case
I’ll pretend this never happened, my steps I will retrace

NINE times out of TEN, I’d get shut down, because I’m just a little crazy
You can see where this is going, when I leave I don’t expect you to chase me
But I know you have my number boy, so… call me maybe?