7 Years

I was just reminded that I have had this blog for seven years.   Seven years of rants.  Seven years of poetry.  Seven years of channeling my depression online.  And I used to be good at it.  I remember when I was in college, sometimes I would get so creative I would post twice a week.  There were times when I’d try not to post every day.  Now I can barely post once a month.

And I’ve been thinking.  On and off for a while, I’ve been thinking.  What if I just closed it down?  Is seven years long enough?  For a long time this blog was my identity.  I put my heart and soul into.  Which is why my lack of creativity depresses me so much, I think.  But maybe it’s time to rip the bandaid off?  Is anyone even paying attention anymore?  Because I for sure have nothing to say anymore.

Last April I moved into a townhouse.  I thought moving here might give me the creative head space I need, but instead I feel like I might have even less creative space.  I’ve forgotten how to act on my ideas, because I still have those.  I have hundreds of photos on a memory card in a camera that I bought because I thought I was going to get back into photography.  Instead, they sit there unedited, when I used to love editing and sharing photos.

I spend a lot of time wondering who I even am anymore.  I start school next month, and I’m excited for it, but what happened to being a writer?  What happened to being a poet?  What happened to having big dreams?  Did I get lost somewhere along the way?  I want to try.  So badly, I want to try.  But giving it all up seems to much easier.

My decisions are pending.  But this could be coming close to a goodbye.

His Idea

Christ is personal
He’s been here since the beginning
First God
Then Man
Two in one
Making me complete
Picking up my pieces
Putting me together
Crafting my very being
Ever since the beginning

Before time
He made time
Living outside of it
Experiencing all of it
And no matter what
He understands
He creates
He saves
He loves, first

Christ is first
Christ is last
Christ is forever

He thought it all up
Existence was his idea
And what a great idea it was
That we get to live and breathe and learn

So teach me
Show me who I am again
Show me who I can be
Created in this image
Built to last forever
From the beginning
To the end

Selling Myself Short

You have the audacity to tell me that you think I’m selling myself short
Is this some kind of sport
That you play?
Tossing around your opinions on matters that you probably don’t understand
Because my life isn’t going down the same path that you had planned
For yourself and I have my own work that is more important than the assignment in your hand

Is it somehow your prerogative to tell me that my goals aren’t good enough for your Jesus?
Because my Jesus didn’t call me to be a leader in a close-minded congregation
He called me to open the minds of lost people so there’s room for contemplation
I have big dreams in mind, and they’re filled with inspiration
I use the words in my head to give voice to a generation
So any comment on the matter from you leans to negation

These words you planted in my head have had me going crazy for weeks now
I finally broke down today, don’t you dare ask me how
You opened the window, you broke into my mind
And if you ask me sir, I’d say that wasn’t very kind
Jesus said we are the branches and He is the vine
But sometimes it’s hard for me to see how you come from the same plant as mine

Paul says we are all different parts of the same body
The key word here is different
Your evaluation of me holds an expectation of hands’ work
But sir, I am a mouth, and I spit words of passion
I am the lungs and I breathe in deep to scream
So loud that the ears can hear me and the brain can react

If you say I’m selling myself short, it’s only because you’re suffocating me.