Do You Ever?

Do you ever lay in bed thinking about ending your life?  Even when you’re happy?  Even when you have people who love you and a job that you like going to?
And really, if you said anything, there would probably be some big freak out.  Because thinking about something obviously means you’re going to do it.  But you wouldn’t.  You have no reason to.  It’s not even something that you want to do, it’s just something that you think about.  Do you ever wonder if that’s okay?

Do you ever wonder why people say death is a coward’s option?  They accuse you of running away.  They accuse you of being afraid.  They say that you’re not brave.
But you must be so much braver.  Because jumping from some high place is terrifying.  What if you fail?  That would be so much worse.
And a failure might be even braver.  Because now everyone knows your secret.  There is no hiding anymore.

Do you ever wonder why these thoughts come in the first place?  Maybe they’re normal.  The French have a saying about the beckoning void.  Being tempted to jump from a high place, or to slit your arm open when you have a knife in your hand in the kitchen, these are the voids that beckon.  Because these are the easiest options.  These are possibilities.  And it’s your job to fight the void.

But do you ever want to give in?  Do you ever want to tell someone?  Do you ever wonder if you need help?  If giving up the drugs was the wrong decision?

I’m just wondering; do you ever?