Right Now

I am currently sitting on my balcony, that I just swept off, for the first time since moving into this apartment seven months ago.  It is November 1st and it is 82 degrees outside.  Back home it’s 35 and they’re getting ready for the soon coming opening of the mountain for this winter season.  I have to get ready for work in fifteen minutes so that I’ll be there on time.

This forest behind my apartment is not silent.  Not the way Mammoth was.  Almost every second something is stirring.  It’s autumn, so leaves are constantly falling.  And I’m certain every step I hear is from a deer or a squirrel making their way around.  It’s like magic though.

My life has changed drastically in the past year.  I’ve probably changed too.  I’m fairly certain I’m not the person I was last November.  Maybe I’m better.  Maybe I’m worse.  Maybe I don’t like who I am.  But maybe I’m trying to.

My heart is as restless as it always is, but I think I have found a home.  I think I’m learning what life is supposed to be like.  I think I’m finding who I am.  And I think I’m okay with any mistakes I might make in the meantime.

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Blogging Everyday in July|On Being a Single Human

Hello.  I am a single human.  In that I mean that I am a human and I am single, but also that I am only one human, not multiple.  I got asked to blog about being single, and I think it’s because my group of friends is mostly from the “singles” group at my church.  That’s so weird to say, by the way.
On a side note, when I was in college, my friend Karina was part of a church in Pasadena, and the young, college aged group was called the “singles” group, and we thought it was so weird and hilarious, but not that I’m out of college, I realize I can’t be in a college group.  So it’s young adults, but my church has a young married people group too, so this one is the “singles” group.  Haha.  Laugh with me.
Anyway, my friends are mostly single, even though some of them might be starting relationships soon.  We love each other, and we’re content with where we’re at, I think.  I know I am.  And that might really be true for the first time in a long time.

For a long time I’ve joked about singleness.  I’ve laughed at myself, but on the inside wished I could change it.  Then, the last couple years or so I’ve had multiple guys in my life, but none of them were serious enough about me, even though my heart kept going farther than I wanted it to, so I kept getting crushed.  And occasionally I’d do the crushing.
One of my old flames texted me last week saying he missed me, even though it’s been so many months since we’re spoken.  I told him that he was just being lonely.  And I told him that I don’t want to be lonely, I want to be content being alone.  And I think that’s what I am.  Not just because there’s no one in my life right now that I really want to be with, but because I love my friends, my lifestyle, and figuring out my life the way it is.  I like that I’m becoming a healthier person.  I think I just needed to purge all of the pain out, and dating is one of those things.

I’ve heard a lot that as soon as you stop looking, you find someone.  I don’t want that to be true.  Because then, when you stop looking, you start looking.  All of the fun adventures that I would want to do on dates, I can do with a group of my friends here, and it’s a thousand times more enjoyable.
I want to be in love with life again before I fall in love with a person.

A lot of people believe in soul mates, or believe that they’re only half of an entity until they find their other half.  But I want to be whole and unbroken.  I want to be desired because I’m independent and following my dreams.  I want my heart to be full.  And I’m getting there.

So yes, I’m a single human.  That’s exactly who I’m supposed to be.  That’s exactly who I want to be.  And that is the end.

Blogging Everyday in July|Long Distance Best Friends

I think a best friend is someone your soul is tied to.  Like a soul mate, but better.  Because they’re more than that.  They’re a sister (or a brother), a friend, sometimes a parent, and they’re someone you get to choose.  Or at least we think we choose them.  My best friend and I, I like to think we stumbled upon each other.  We were thrust together by cosmic intervention.
We grew up going to the same camp, but never met.  We attended the same college previews, but never met.  I’m pretty sure we went to at least one of the same music festivals and didn’t meet.  And we were both at the same Nex Gen Convention in Anaheim when we were 15.  We spent so many hours in the same place at the same time, but were steered constantly apart, not aware of what could be waiting right around the corner.
Michelle and I were in the same quad our freshman year of college.  We liked the same music and long road trips and so many other things.  We had all these inside jokes, but were constantly preoccupied.  Junior and senior year crept up on us, and I had spent the last few years begging God for a friend, a best friend, someone who was my person.  It took me much too long to realize that it was Michelle.  Whoever marries her is one lucky person.
After college, we were pulled in separate directions.  I ended up in Mammoth, while Michelle stayed in LA, and then moved home for some time with her family.  We still carried our soul ties though, and our inside jokes live on.  Last summer, almost a year ago, Michelle came to visit me in Mammoth and ended up staying.  She did the school of supernatural ministry that I did, and works at the same camp I worked at.  She even lives in the same house, although it became beautiful after I moved out.  We spent eight or nine months getting to enjoy time in the same place, even though we were too busy to really acknowledge it, then my heart was again pulled elsewhere, and now my home is in the South.  However, our soul ties remain.
I know that if my world is crashing down, I can count on my bestie to listen to me.  I know that she’ll still get my jokes, and we’ll still find things that remind us of each other.  I know that if I go a week or so without texting her, that she still loves me, and that she knows I still love her.  We are content.
Plus, we have matching tattoos, so I think our friendship is kinda locked in.

I’m writing about Michelle today, not because missing her is unbearable, but because I’m not the only person with a long distance best friend.  Another girl who just moved here has a different kind of relationship with her bestie, because she has a different personality.  They need to talk almost everyday.  They talk on the phone and they text and they miss each other terribly.  How they survive?  I have no idea.  Their contentedness looks different than ours does.  But it’s the soul ties that hold us together.
Sometimes your life takes a different path than your soul tied best friend.  Sometimes you need time apart.  But this relationship isn’t like a romantic one.  It’s better, because distance doesn’t matter, it might even make it stronger.   Distance just makes being together that much better.
I don’t know when I’ll be going back to California to visit.  And Michelle has no plans that I know of to come to the land of the humid and the heat anytime soon.  And I think we’re both okay with that.  We are content in our life paths.  We are content with each other and without each other, because we still have each other.  That is all.

Beneath the Eaves of Yearning

Beneath the eaves of yearning
A heart flutters
Begging to come to life

Yet time has a way of playing tricks
It is not yet time
Until contentedness and peace become family

Not asking to be embraced
They will embrace still
Finding an inner self

Waiting to be revealed
Something real
It will find its way home soon

When one is caught in waiting
The heart is restless
Seeing  time as only cruelty

But with time comes wisdom
The longing quells
One year no longer acts like a thousand

Days stretched into minutes
One can breathe it in
No longer beneath the eaves of yearning

Rather, escaping it all
Never begging to fall
Softly landing in perfection

It’s not something that needs understanding
It just is
Dwelling in acceptance

No longer the rule
But the exception
It will surprise you

Come out of the eaves
Into the sunlight
And bask

Content

It smells like cigarettes and alcohol as the crowd stumbles around me
The beat of the drum matches my heart inside me
And I find my feet tapping and my body moving
And I am content

Yet if they could see me now, I’m sure they would frown
I’ve grown accustomed to you shaking your head at me
Yet I wonder what is so wrong with loving what I love and being who I am
When I am content?

I’ve never been one to follow someone else’s rules
What does not bend is easily broken
I cannot follow your rules; I cannot be just like you
I am content

You preach “Speak the truth in love,” yet I only feel judged
So how must those feel who don’t know what we know?
You must feel so special as you become a Pharisee
Are you content?

I have tattoos and gauges and sinners for friends
We drive fast in our cars and listen to hard music
But I’ve found more love and acceptance here than in your four walls
And we are content

I wonder, do you even know him at all?
Because you have never loved them, but they are learning to love
So I wonder, who are we to judge
When he is content?

The Difference

I have lived in different parts of California my whole life.  I’ve visited a lot of different places over the years as well, but if there’s any place I know, it’s California.  Until a few weeks ago, I had never been to the south, except Florida, but that doesn’t count.  I hadn’t even really been to any other eastern states.  Yet, here I am.  And I certainly didn’t know what I was getting myself into.

Here, people talk in church.  Which happens in some churches in California, but I am used to attention not being put on me, and I like it that way.  However, I also really like hanging out with the people I’ve met in church.  I was expecting a bunch of conservative people, because in California, everyone told me that it would be too conservative here for me.  It certainly is not.
I had Mexican food for dinner.  It’s not California Mexican food.  The beef was ground, not shredded.  There were veggies in the rice.  But it doesn’t make me not love my life.

I don’t know many people here yet.  I haven’t started working yet, so I’m bored a lot.  But I know all of this will change.  I’m lonely, but content.  I know that I am where I’m supposed to be.

People look at me funny when I fill my car up with diesel.  And until I took the Thule box off, I got questions about it far too often.  But here, people aren’t afraid to ask questions.  Maybe some would say “nosy,”  but I like it.  I like how kind people are, how caring they seem.  I like that I have been invited into a community, a family, instantly.  I don’t feel like I don’t belong.

My anxiety makes me feel like everyone is staring at me all the time.  I haven’t yet found “my spot.”  But I have begun to make a home.  I know it’s all in my head, and no one is watching me take my trash out.

Before I moved, I thought southern hospitality meant that when I moved in neighbors would bring me food.  They didn’t.  I’m kind of glad about it though.  I’m glad that people aren’t trying to force their way into my life.

I’m rambling.  But I love it here.  I’m unsure still, but I can feel my heart filling.  And yes, I will definitely need to adjust to the heat and the bugs.  Good Lord.
Hello Alabama.  Sweet home Alabama.  Haha.

Road Trip With Me: SoCo with Lime

If you’ve ever gone out with me, you know that I hate taking shots.  I can’t just throw something down my throat, I have to have it sit in my mouth.  Thus, shots are horrifying.  My last Sunday in Mammoth, the boy and I went to see my friend DJ at a local bar/night life place.  We both had a drink and then the boy asked if I would do a shot with him.  He already knew the answer was no, but he begged me to try soco with lime.  I had no idea what it was.  But it was awesome.
In case you’re wondering,  it’s Southern Comfort with a lime added to it.

Sometimes you just need a little southern comfort.

When I was about fifteen, I made a friend on the internet *gasp.*  It started on a Christian Myspace alternative, then went to Myspace, and then to Facebook.  Over the years we’ve gotten to know each other, watched each other grow in life and in our relationship with God.  I’ve seen his life with his wife and now two little boys.  He’s seen me graduate, first from high school, and then from college.  He’s watched me struggle and flourish.  We’ve prayed for each other.  We’ve heard each other’s stories.  All with never actually meeting.  Well on Monday, we met.  See, he lives about 2 hours south of Florence.  So I drove down and we went on a hike and had dinner with his wife and friends and little ones.  And it was as if it was just normal.  As if it wasn’t the first time.  SoCo with lime.  I’ve always considered Ryan to be one of my good friends, but now I might consider his family my family.  My Alabamily.

Yesterday I went to a job interview for a job I really wanted and was offered the job while I was there.  They’re just waiting for my background check to come back so that I can process in.  And I signed a lease.  The first time I’ve lived truly on my own.  I feel insane.
So I’m sitting in my new apartment, utterly alone.  And it’s so empty, because I moved across the country with no furniture.  I obviously need things, but right now I just need to keep telling myself that I am content.  Because I will be okay.  I know that I am taken care of.  I know that I’ve made the right decision.  Now I just need my heart to settle.