Right Now

I am currently sitting on my balcony, that I just swept off, for the first time since moving into this apartment seven months ago.  It is November 1st and it is 82 degrees outside.  Back home it’s 35 and they’re getting ready for the soon coming opening of the mountain for this winter season.  I have to get ready for work in fifteen minutes so that I’ll be there on time.

This forest behind my apartment is not silent.  Not the way Mammoth was.  Almost every second something is stirring.  It’s autumn, so leaves are constantly falling.  And I’m certain every step I hear is from a deer or a squirrel making their way around.  It’s like magic though.

My life has changed drastically in the past year.  I’ve probably changed too.  I’m fairly certain I’m not the person I was last November.  Maybe I’m better.  Maybe I’m worse.  Maybe I don’t like who I am.  But maybe I’m trying to.

My heart is as restless as it always is, but I think I have found a home.  I think I’m learning what life is supposed to be like.  I think I’m finding who I am.  And I think I’m okay with any mistakes I might make in the meantime.

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Baptism

I just want to sit in reality with you
With someone
I just want to be washed over
Because as clean as I am, I will never feel clean
As my life changes, all I see is the dirt
The filth
The grime
And every time you say that it’s gone
That you don’t see it anymore
Every time that I start to forget
I am reminded of my stains
My old carpet soul
I am reminded that as much as I am wanted
I can never really be wanted
And as much as this might not be real
I constantly find it my reality

A Mess Worth Loving

I just saw the move Suicide Squad.  And this blog is not about that.  But it made me think.  There are so many psychological things going on in that movie.  I think that’s how I can tell good screen writing.  It’s  a mess.  There are so many levels in the simplicity of the story.
I just rewatched Avatar: The Last Airbender series.  That’s another show with so much psychology.  Everyone is a mess.  Everyone has a dynamic.  It isn’t just good over evil.  It’s more than that.

I love messes.  It’s probably because I’m a mess.  I’m a psychological mess.  I live in organized chaos.  And I can hate it, hate me, keep trying to change myself, or I can accept myself.  Just like I’ve accepted every mess of a person that has walked into my life.  And we can’t deny that we all have a little mess in us.

I have a talent for finding broken people, the messes.  It’s like I have a mess magnet in my heart.  And my heart loves them loves them loves them.  I don’t even want to fix them, I just want them to be accepted.  I crave acceptance and I try to hand it out like candy at a small town parade.  I would be lying if this acceptance has not hurt me in past, but it’s still all I know how to do.  I don’t want anyone to feel the hate that souls, my soul, are so capable of churning up.  Hate will never make the world a better place.  Who cares about disagreements?  Hate will never change anyone into who you want them to be.  Love might.  Acceptance might.  And if it doesn’t, it won’t matter, because love always wins.

It’s so funny to me that this is my philosophy on life, when I am so quick to turn it around on my own self, my own people, my background, my roots, where I came from.  I get so angry at Christians because in my eyes, I still expect them to judge me.  I still see the judgement toward those who have chosen a different lifestyle.  I still hear the judgement in their voices when political disagreements become apparent.  But aren’t we supposed to be Christlike?  Aren’t we supposed to be loving, just like the God that we say we follow, that we say created us to love?

I want to accept.  While I expect to be unaccepted.  In every walk.  When people get excited that I decide to show up somewhere my mind is blown.  I don’t expect it.  It almost makes me want to leave.  Because I’m a psychological mess that loves psychological messes.  As soon as I hear your brokenness, your struggle, your story, I’m likely to fall into your soul.  I’m likely to want you by my side, in my heart, near me, with me.
And I know it’s time that I take a step back.

Today I took a step in a different direction.  I forgot my notebook when I went to church, so I couldn’t write, which is my protection, I think.  Yes, it is my identity, but I’m vulnerable without it.
When the music started playing, it suddenly occurred to me to join my friends on the floor, rather than staying in my seat.  I haven’t been that person in years.  Because of my fear.  I’m constantly expecting to be watched.  Because I don’t dance.  I don’t jump around.  And when I lose myself, I’m more likely to be still than I am to be some spiritual craziness.  I’m more likely to be like Mary, lost at Christ’s feet, than I am to be like David, who danced before the Lord.  I always expect judgement in that.  But it is my reality.  Stop judging me for my reality.  Or maybe you’re not.  Or maybe I don’t care anymore.

Feeling Finnish

I used to live with a girl from Finland.  One of the best roommates I ever had, really.  Anu was amazing in a lot of ways, and taught me a lot about her culture, as she learned to understand mine.  She would often joke that I was Finnish because of my introverted nature.

Finnish people do like to party.  It’s just that they like to party with their friends.  Suddenly becoming friends with someone new is a rare occurrence.  Not that they don’t make friends, they just don’t talk to strangers.
If it weren’t for my job, I wouldn’t talk to strangers.
And they don’t make small talk.  Even working customer service, all conversation is minimal.  If someone comes through your line and you’re a cashier, there’s no need to discuss the weather or ask how someone is.  You ring them up and let them go.  Anu used to tell me how she didn’t understand why someone she didn’t know, or barely knew, would want to know how she is.  Whereas in America, asking someone how they are is a greeting, albeit a fake one.  Very rarely does anyone actually care how you’re doing, and they don’t really expect an answer.  We ask so many meaningless questions here.

I just moved to Alabama from California.  Although I’m an introvert and don’t do well in parties where I don’t know everyone, back home I was fairly friendly.  People describe me as nice, as kind, as sweet.  I’m not really a rude person, especially not on purpose.  Because I have worked in hospitality for the last couple of years, I’ve learned to be a little bit more outgoing.  I can talk to guests, ask them how their day is while I’m checking them in; ask them how their stay was when they check out; see if there’s anything I can do to make their time in my town more enjoyable.  But I don’t go much farther than that without a connection or a reason.  I run out of questions.  I suck at small talk.  Because I literally don’t care.  If I don’t know you, my heart is not genuinely concerned about your drive or your complaining because it’s raining outside.  I was telling a girl from my church that I am the least friendly person that I work with, because I’m from California.
In California, you’ll smile at someone when they walk through your lobby.  You’ll say hello to them.  If they look like they need help, you’ll talk to them.  Otherwise, you leave pretty much alone.  You want everyone to be happy, but that doesn’t mean you go out of your way to be their friend.  Or maybe it’s just me.  Californians are pretty judgmental anyway.
I missed church on Sunday, a church that I have been going to for a month, because I was at work.  But a friend of mine was playing a concert that night, so I saw a lot of people I would have seen that morning.  And multiple people asked where I was that morning.  If you miss church in California, everyone assumes you’re out of town, or that you had something else going on.  They might care that they missed you, but people come and go as they please.
So out here, in Florence,  I feel a little Finnish.

Cyclical

Currently wondering what the point is
As I seem to always find myself back here
If life is a never ending cycle
How do I break it?

I don’t want to end everything
Just this, right here
When my heart turns to ice
And no one can hear me anymore
That’s when I know I’ve disappeared again

I don’t ask to be invisible
When they look at me they see right through me
And not in a good way

I thought I was known again
Crisis averted
Yet that was a false positive
There’s no point in making plans
What am I worth?

I know somewhere in the back of my mind that I am worth more than this
Believing that doesn’t make anything change though
So it’s time I stopped trying
Maybe

Two-Faced

I forgot how to be myself with you
Actually, that probably happened long before you
And I’m not even blaming you
I’m just wondering where the girl you think you know ends
I’m just wondering where I begin

I’m quirky
And that makes me cute
So I’ll tell you how much I love dinosaurs
Saying if that’s a turn off, then I don’t want to turn you on anyway
But I don’t tell you why I won’t spend the night
Because that’s such a big part of who I am
Do I hide it well?

I worry that if I show you my real self that you’ll pull away
But why would I want to enter a commitment while I remain hidden?
Maybe I want you to know me before I let you know me
But you didn’t stick around anyway
Did you?
So if I had let you know me
Would my results be different?
My heart would be so much more broken than it claims to be

It’s the same whole story
Again and again
As I ask for something you won’t give me
While I almost give in every time you ask
A different face behind every question

Ask me again tonight
I’ll tell you
I’ll change, if only you’ll just stay
Or maybe I won’t at all
Because as terrified as I am of you leaving again
I’m more afraid of facing myself the next morning

So maybe I’ve just forgotten who I am entirely
Keeping myself neatly tucked away
Maybe I’ll let myself out today
Yet I’m so comfortable living this facade
Two-faced
Waiting to be found

Transient

Don’t ever settle
Being comfortable can leave you unaware
And I am leading you elsewhere

A transient life isn’t easy
Yet Christ did not have much when he walked the earth
And he transcends all

You see the next destination in the distance
Yet even it is not final
This adventure is just getting started

So collect these broken hearts
Hold them close as your eyes shut
Everything is changing

Be ever ready
Because the next move could be when you least expect it
I am waiting right around the corner

Don’t be so concerned with what you might be leaving behind
You’ll never be leaving me behind
I gave you wings for a reason

You’ll always have a home to return to
Because I am your home
That’s why you’ve never felt fully home
Yet felt home so many places

I am calling you home
Pick up your feet
And follow me