I Thought We Were Done

I’ve disappeared a little.  At least I feel that I have.  Sinking into the floor.  Sinking into my work.  Sinking into a life that I’m barely living.  So I think I’m ready to be done with this.

Next month I have an interview to get into grad school.  I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts lately and I realized that I really love stories.  Maybe that’s why I thought I would be a writer.  I’m not a writer.  Not anymore.  But I’m going to get my masters in counseling.  I can hear stories.  I can walk through stories with someone else, because I’ve learned that it’s really hard to walk through a hard story by yourself.

I’m looking for a house to move into next month.  My lease is up and I’m so ready to be done with the roommate life.  My things keep breaking or going missing.  Kind of like my heart.

My car is in the shop again.  For the same problem as before.  Because the mechanics missed something.  I’m learning that it’s better to go for quality over price, and even though I’m poor, I’m going back to taking my car to the dealer, just like I used to.

I don’t want life to be hard anymore.  I don’t want simple things to seem impossible.  I’m completely over this pointless depression.  I thought we were done with this a long time ago.

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Content

It smells like cigarettes and alcohol as the crowd stumbles around me
The beat of the drum matches my heart inside me
And I find my feet tapping and my body moving
And I am content

Yet if they could see me now, I’m sure they would frown
I’ve grown accustomed to you shaking your head at me
Yet I wonder what is so wrong with loving what I love and being who I am
When I am content?

I’ve never been one to follow someone else’s rules
What does not bend is easily broken
I cannot follow your rules; I cannot be just like you
I am content

You preach “Speak the truth in love,” yet I only feel judged
So how must those feel who don’t know what we know?
You must feel so special as you become a Pharisee
Are you content?

I have tattoos and gauges and sinners for friends
We drive fast in our cars and listen to hard music
But I’ve found more love and acceptance here than in your four walls
And we are content

I wonder, do you even know him at all?
Because you have never loved them, but they are learning to love
So I wonder, who are we to judge
When he is content?

In Love

I have never been in love
I have been in love a thousand times

I fell in love
With Wesley in preschool
Told my dad all about our future life together

I fell in love with that boy in my elementary class
Fell in love what that boy at camp
I couldn’t stop looking to the future

I fell in love with the first guy to crush me
The first one to use me
The first one to put me last

I fell in love with my best friend
Again and again and again
Though he fell for me first
He’ll say it wasn’t love at all

I fell in love with the prince of eBay
And slowly fell out
As I quickly fell for another
And as he dropped me too
I felt my cracks widen
As my contents spilled out
And I fell in love with dying

I fell in love with my failure
Then fell so in love with my music
That I fell in love with spinning words too

I felt myself fall for the bad boy musician
Every bad boy musician
But specifically the one who kept coming back
I let myself fall for him three times too many
He kept coming back for more
Before I finally learned to lock that closed door

I fell in love with the car guy
Every car guy
Who would find some way to rescue me
When they were the ones needing saving

I fell hard for the guy from my work
The first one who I’d let see my soul
The kindest, the sweetest, the one I wanted to give everything to
The first one that was really my fault

I fell in love with the filmmaker in training
And I fell for the guy on the bus
Because they really listened when I spoke
As if my words meant anything at all

I fell in love with the alcoholic drug salesman
Before I ever knew what he was
I let him have me and know me
Learning that I never wanted to be in love

I fell in love with fiction
With thoughts sent from broken minds
Because I forgot to believe in myself

But I fell in love with living
With beauty and vibrance and life
I fell in love with dreaming my reality
And adventures worth more than any love

I refuse to fall in love
I fall in love every time

I have never been in love
I have been in love a thousand times

Fell For You

Maybe I fell in love with you the very first day
The 14th of February, when we decided to go out after work
Joking that it was our first date because it was the international day of love

I could have sat across from you for hours
Talking about cars and music and God
But instead I left you early, realizing we were kindred spirits

Maybe it was when you brought my favorite candy to work with you
Saying I could only have it if I promised to stay
Even though you knew that I wouldn’t

It could have been the night we watched Netflix in your room and I fell asleep
And you did too, until I begged you to take me home
And you joked the next day that you’d tell people we slept together

It was probably the night I brought over my guitar
But instead of my music making you fall in love
We told stories of life and death and why we believe what we believe

After that I thought I’d never get over you
Even though I wasn’t convinced I was under you
Struck with the knowledge that there was still someone else

There’s always a possibility that I fell for you the night I asked you about her
And you were so broken and ashamed, even when you didn’t need to be
We drove around for an hour while you asked me what I wanted in a guy, knowing it could never be you

I fell in love when you helped me to breathe again
Even though it meant I had to leave again
While you stayed behind

I knew I was a goner when you told me you’d promised yourself you wouldn’t kiss me
And you didn’t
You ran away instead

My footing was slipping when you said you’d been thinking
That I might be worth trying
Then you changed the rules because you believed I was worth more than this

My heart hit the ground the night you actually did kiss me
Okay with not going too far
Because I’d never been there with a guy before

I was soaring high when it happened again
And we sat on your bed talking about all of our impossibilities
And how they could be possible if only things were different

And then I came crashing down
The possibility of you leaving two months too soon had never occurred to me
And the idea of you being gone forever is just too much for me

So I’ve decided that I never fell for you at all
And that I write an awful lot about love for someone who’s never experienced it
Because maybe I still don’t believe in it

Even though what I feel for you is different than I’ve ever felt before
I’d never tell you so
Because I don’t love you, not at all

Commitment

Tobias wasn’t the type to have a girlfriend.  He was a musician, and he was good-looking, and he knew he could have almost any girl he wanted.  He used this to his advantage.  All his friends knew that it was a rarity for him to commit to any one girl, or to even call one again after he got what he wanted from her.  But he was so smooth, and he knew how to pursue a girl just enough to leave her wanting more.

Tobias  met Sam at a gig she was playing.  She was visiting her hometown for a few weeks while on break from college, and so she decided to play a few local shows.  He heard her and had to know her.  He didn’t realize that they had actually met before.
Tobias was only two years older than Sam, and so they were in high school together.  They had never hung out, but they had a lot of friends in common.  However, Sam was one to be easily forgotten, and definitely was not the person she was in high school when Tobias reentered her life.
Tobias introduced himself and they talked about music and tattoos, and then Sam went back to her parents’ house for the night, not overly affected by the meeting.
A few weeks went by and Sam returned to LA where she went to school.  She got a facebook friend request from Tobias, thought nothing of it, and so accepted.  He then immediately sent her a message, saying they should get together and jam.
“Okay, but you realize I live in LA now, right?”  Sam replied back.
“You do?  Oh… well when are you coming back to visit?  I would love to hang out,” Tobias asked her.
“I’m not sure, probably not for a month or so.  But we can definitely get together and play some music when I do.”  Sam was flattered at the pursuit.  They exchanged numbers and talked for another couple months until Sam returned.
They played a few gigs and Tobias and Sam drove around in his truck afterward.  They parked off on some backroads, sat close, and talked for a few hours.  Tobias didn’t kiss Sam that night though.
It wasn’t long before Tobias began pulling away.  He told Sam that she didn’t need a guy like him in her life, that he wasn’t good for her.  She was annoyed, but decided not to pursue it further.
Every few months Tobias would send her a text and they would start talking again, but they never really hung out when she visited.  Sam had kind of given up on Tobias.
A year from their first meeting, Sam was back home for Christmas, and was working a local retail job for some extra money.  Tobias asked her to hang out when she got off work one night, and they drove to a park and talked and listened to music.  They were going to go on a walk, but it was much too cold out.
“I can’t think of anything to do, what should we do?” Tobias questioned.
“I don’t know.  Let’s do something spontaneous!”  Sam proclaimed.
And then Tobias kissed her, mid-sentence.  “You said do something spontaneous,” he teased.
They went on like this, talking and making out, for another hour before it was time for Sam to go home.
After that night, Tobias stopped talking to Sam.  She texted him to hang out and he would say he wasn’t feeling well, make excuses, or just not respond at all.  After two weeks, Sam got the message.  Tobias said he wasn’t the type to have a girlfriend, and he meant it.

After Sam returned to school for the next semester, she found out Tobias had started dating someone.  She was hurt, broken.  She decided it wasn’t healthy to have him in her life anymore, so she got rid of every trace of him.  If he texted her, she wouldn’t respond.  She deleted his number and deleted him from facebook.  She knew she was never moving him, so having him in her life didn’t matter anymore.

More than a year went by and Sam went home for her last spring break ever to see her ex-boyfriend, who was also one of her best friends, play a gig.  The thing is, Tobias was also in the band.  His girlfriend had also come to see him play, and Sam and her started chatting.  After the show, all four of them went to a diner and had dessert.  What could have been awkward wasn’t.  Sam found out that Tobias and his girlfriend were planning on moving to Seattle at the end of the summer, just like she was.  She wondered if she would run into them there.

After Sam graduated from college, she had plans to work on a ranch for the summer and then move to Seattle after she had saved some money.  However, her dad got really sick, so she decided to move closer to home.  After being in her own place the next town over for the summer, Sam realized that she needed to stay until her dad was healthy again, pushing her Seattle plans back exponentially.  But she was content; she knew she was where she needed to be.
While browsing for wine at a local grocery store, Sam ran into Tobias, and found out that his girlfriend had dumped him, so his Seattle plans had changed as well.  She went home and found a brand new friend request from him.  Sam assumed this time would be different.  He had had a girlfriend for more than a year after all.
She added him and he again immediately asked her to hang out.  He took her to the movies, they went on a walk, and he never tried to kiss her or anything.  She was happy for the fresh start.
He was supposed to come to her place for drinks, but ended up getting called into work, and Sam worried that Tobias was pulling away again.  She didn’t want to go through it all again, so she began to allow herself to give up on him again.
However, a few days later Tobias invited Sam down for drinks and dinner.  They ordered in, had a couple beers, played some guitar, and watched Seinfeld on his computer.  Then Tobias kissed her again.  He was rough and urgent.  Sam didn’t want to sleep with him, but was not sure of her willpower.  They finally got too tired and just layed together.  Sam knew she needed to go home before things went too far.  Tobias walked her to her car and kissed her goodnight, telling her to text him when she got home.
“Home :)” She sent.
Hours later he responded “:)”
That was the last honest communication they really had.

Sam knew Tobias probably couldn’t be her boyfriend, but she couldn’t handle having him break her again.  She knew they needed to talk.
“Tobias, here’s the deal.  I don’t expect you to be my boyfriend.  But you can’t make out with me then pull away.  I’m fine with hanging out and hooking up occasionally, but I need to know that’s what this is.  You can’t treat me like a one-night-stand because that’s not what I am.  Either we’re friends, dating, or nothing.  You can’t just waltz in and out of my life like this.  So if you’re not going to change, then I guess it’s over forever.”

Where do they go from here?

Left

I think I fell in love with you at the very first second.
I miss you already, and you haven’t even said goodbye.
I’d hold you in my arms if they were strong enough
But now I’m just wishing you’d hold me.

I’d say I’d stay with you till the end of time,
But time stopped ticking a while ago
And I’m still here waiting
While you’re nowhere to be found

Please don’t leave me in the rearview
Let me stay in your passenger seat
I’ll be your satellite
You can be my navigation

Falling is such a strange thing
Because you’d never know it
Until someone reaches out their arms to catch you
Until they drop you

Inside My Head (Proceed with Caution)

I probably shouldn’t be writing any of this.  And you probably shouldn’t be reading it.  So proceed with caution.

I’ve been having a lot of thoughts, a lot of feelings, and an inability to grasp them or make sense of anything.  My writer’s block has been turning me inside out and hitting me against the pavement, but I still haven’t found the words I need.  But then I went on a long drive today and I began to collect them all.

My grandmother, my last living grandparent, and the only one I kinda sorta knew, died yesterday morning.  I was on break at work when I got the news.  It came as a shock, but then I just didn’t know what to do with the information.  Am I supposed to cry?  Because I don’t really cry unless it’s forced, or when the dam finally breaks I don’t really know what’s happening anymore.
I’ve said before that family is not a big deal to me.  I’ve never been exceptionally close with any of my family, immediate or otherwise, and I don’t really know any of them at all, other than little stories here and there.  I sound evil and stone hearted, but family is not as important to me as it is to other people.  I don’t want a family of my own; in fact, I’d probably be fine being alone.
So when I got the news, the first thing to touch my heart was guilt.  In August, I was getting ready to begin my last year of college.  My parents were driving to Wisconsin to attend my grandmother’s 90th birthday party.  90!  Frick.  I thought a lot about what I should do, I prayed about it, and then I got asked to go to a bonfire on the beach the Friday before the party, because my friend Kenney was proposing to his now fiancee Andrea.  So I took that as a sign that I should stay here, rather than go to Wisconsin and miss my first week of school, and I knew I would also be saving my family money by not having to fly back early.  I hope this makes sense.  We had decided that after I graduated I would go out and see her.  To be honest,  as much as I did think that would happen, I don’t really have a deep desire to go out of my comfort zone and stay with relatives that feel almost like strangers.
In other words, I skipped her birthday party, and now I’ll never see her again.

But that’s not what this blog is about.
As most people, I hope, know, I am manic depressive.  Yep, I’m crazy.  And I’ve been on a pretty strong streak of happy for a while.  Somewhere in the last few weeks the manic side of me snuck back in.  I can feel my cracks opening again, because I am still broken.  I’ve been dealing with this extra stress, while also trying to figure out some things about my future.
So I went on a drive today, up a mountain road that I’ve never touched before.  A guy that I’ve been sort of dating told me about this road, and I knew that I needed to see something new for a little while.
On my way up the mountain a poem came on in my car, yes I listen to spoken word, I don’t only write it, and I thought about how passionate the writer is about using biblical references in his poetry, because that really is his ministry.  I fell in love with poetry, and with writing in general, but I realized that I only write for me.  I sometimes say that writing is my ministry, because it is the only thing I know, but am I even ministering at all?  I write what is in my heart and what is on my mind, but unless God hits me hard that day, I usually write about why I’m broken and how confused I am about whether or not I really want to find real love.  So I thought maybe I should find that hunger for God again.  I know I used to have it, or otherwise I wouldn’t have gone to freakin’ Bible college.
Close to the top of the mountain I pulled over.  I pulled out my camera and took some shots.  I grabbed my notebook and sat on the dirt with my feet hanging over the side and wrote.  And then I prayed.  And then I wrote.  And I realized my heart is torn.  I would have stayed there longer, but I started to get uncomfortable when a sheriff’s car drove by.
On the way down the mountain I began to ponder and question everything.  I go to school for ministry and get religion shoved down my throat, but does it even resonate with me anymore?  Because my future, although it may impact lives, has become about my dream of being a writer.  I don’t find my thoughts so profound and Jesus-y that people might turn to Christ because of them.  I don’t even know how to actually witness to a person besides simply living my life with them and letting them see who God is to me.  But who is God to me?  Why am I still following Him?  As horrible as it may sound, it may be because of fear.  Fear of losing eternal life.
I know, without a doubt, that God created the world and that His Son Jesus died on the cross, forgiving all of our sins.  I know that I would not be alive today if it weren’t for what God has done in my life.  People have told me that they’re glad I’m alive, that I didn’t die, but I’m not sure that I am.  Do I even want this life?
Because I wonder why God would allow me to live a manic life, when I don’t see a reason.  I wonder why people think I have it all together, why I might be seen as a good influence, when I contemplate death so often.  Should I continue on, graduate, and live a life that makes it seem like I hate everyone who does not believe in Jesus?  How am I a Christian when Christians annoy me more than most people?  I can’t hear God’s voice anymore, even though I used to hear Him all the time.

Should I even be writing this?  Should you even be reading this?

Maybe forget everything.