A Piece of Heaven

Not many people get to know as many of my thoughts as you do
And maybe someday I’ll give you all of them

There’s something singing in my heart
As if it’s never been awakened before
I feel elated just knowing that if I wake up, I’ll get to see you again
Being in your vicinity is almost enough to keep me breathing

I don’t want to be afraid of you
Maybe I’ll learn to trust you someday
And maybe you won’t break it

I could shout your name from the rooftops
But I’m falling in love with loving you quietly

I don’t even want to apologize
For sinking so deep into this
Because I’ve never been so comfortable

And yes, I might expect you to end this any day now
But I don’t want to expect it
Forcing myself not to pull away from you
Because I want to keep pulling into you

I want to really be loved this time around
I want you to love me
And that scares the hell out of me
Because you feel like a piece of heaven

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The Case of the “I Don’t Matter”s

I’m experiencing an increasing case of the “I don’t matter”s.  So much that it’d probably be easier to disappear.  And I don’t need people to try harder or act smarter or to learn to remember.  Because it’s me.

And it makes me think.  Maybe no one really matters.  I mean, people matter to each other, and it’s my fault that I have no one.  I’ve never really learned to have anyone.  But in the largest meaning of the word, no one matters.  We are all just blips.  Time keeps going, and the longer time gets, the smaller chance our existence will impact anything.

I feel really abandoned, but I’m the one who abandons.  I’m the one who packs up and moves away.  I’m the one who doesn’t stay in touch.  I’m the heart breaker with a broken heart.

I went to a friend’s family’s thanksgiving.  I traveled to be there.  On the way home, I realized it probably would have been better for everyone if I hadn’t gone.  My being there changed nothing.  I was just overwhelmed.  Because I don’t like lots of new people.  I don’t like feeling stuck.  I’m not good at socializing.  Why do I think that because there is a holiday, I need to spend it somewhere, when I’d be happier at home?  I don’t matter.

I entered into something I didn’t mean to enter into.  But it wouldn’t matter if I was here or not.  They can argue over everything without me anyway.  And there would probably be fewer arguments if I didn’t show up, because I’m too liberal, apparently.  Anything I have to say just gets interrupted and forgotten.  I don’t matter.

And when people say that nothing is going to change, it always changes.  When they say you won’t get dropped, they’ll have excuses for when you do.  Because it’s impossible to articulate anything real at all.

I feel alone.  But I feel alone because I don’t know how to express what is inside of me.  I don’t know how to make anyone understand this grief that has built up.  I don’t know how to be anyone else.  I don’t matter.

Blogging Everyday in July|A Poem I Wrote on a Plane (No One Knows My Name)

No one knows my name here
I don’t even want to know it anymore
Finding comfort in the anonymous nature I now dwell in

The land forming below me holds no beauty for my eyes
Though I know some still find it sacred
Scattered through with lakes welling up
I stop to wonder where they come from

The anticipation my heart held before I fell asleep
Has been replaced by a new kind of dread
Expecting someone to collect the bounty on my head

I have been a thousand places
Each one unique
Yet I find them all in one another

Just one last adventure
Reminding myself not to hold my breath
Rising and falling with the pressure around me
I never meant to leave my heart behind

I think we tend to expect too much
Ending up defeated when we can’t fall asleep
These decisions weight heavy, but we continue to choose them anyway

I might beg you to hold me close tonight
Just one last time, I need you
As you wait up for me, watching for my figure in your doorway

I fell for you, tripped over who I was supposed to be
I gave you everything, forgetting who I was
I became someone else, changed my fate, my destiny, my name

I know we’re both pleading with our hearts to stop beating
You can’t have my anymore, but  you can have my every time
I was just a notch in your belt, you still wish I was more

Above the clouds now, drowning in your memory
I return, I return, I return
Tightness in my chest as my heart readies for the landing

Almost whole, almost home
Only to be broken
But this time I chose it, I chose you

I know full well that unless I stay, you’ll never choose me completely
It’s a game or it is real
We’re somewhere in between

So maybe this will be the last time
Maybe next time I’ll stay, gone
Begging you to pull me closer as I push you away

No one knows my name here
I don’t know my name here
But you know my name

No one knows my name here
But I’m more than just a name
You might know my name
But you’ll never know me

Fully Compromised

Blue and red shimmers
Empire state building weddings
East coast overheard
Drunken conversations

This is not me
Though maybe it’s more myself
Than I have ever been
Tipping the scales of my broken heart
Never go home alone

No one wants to be on their own
Not tonight
Searching for something
That hearts can hold onto
As they break all over again

I can’t hear you anymore
And I feel as though I have nothing to say
I want to feel you
As I am carried through this
Kicking and screaming
Who will I be on the other side?

The heart wants what it wants
As the soul bends under the pressure
Tainted and stained
Can you still find me?
I just want to be wanted

Somewhere back there
The path disappeared
Following a rabbit trail
That leads to only the wrong places
Can you feel the love?

Wondering how far a person can go
Before they’re changed forever
Am I changed forever?
Do you even recognize me?

As though a rescuing needs to happen
Already saved
Maybe secure
With nothing left to hold onto

I think I used to be holding onto you
Until I let someone else hold me
Impure
Wash me clean

Inside of lies
Wondering where the truth is
As I fall on my knees
Sucked dry of everything
Begging for stillness
Except asking for nothing

Not even sure what I want anymore
Trapped inside a mess of confusion
No one can get me out
Only myself
Only I won’t

Refusing to remember who I was
Was I even happy then?
Fully compromised

How to Love

The other day a friend texted me about two guy friends of hers.  One of them responds quickly and gets all her jokes.  He laughs at her pictures and responds with another one.  The other one responds vaguely, and it’s usually a little more difficult to get ahold of him.  She said she felt really bothered by this.  She said she felt like chocolate, and that yeah, some people don’t like chocolate, but chocolate doesn’t really feel great when it’s unliked, even though most people like it.
I told her that I wasn’t so sure that that’s what it was.  See, everyone has a different love language and a different way of communicating.  But everyone loves the way they want to be loved.  And everyone communicates the way they want to be communicated with.  And so if someone doesn’t respond right away, they probably don’t expect you to.  If they don’t send you funny pictures or have hilarious responses to your jokes, it could be that they think you’re funny, they just don’t communicate that way.  But friendships do take communication.
I feel a lot like chocolate covered bacon, I told her.  If we’re sticking with the dessert references.  I feel like I’m something that people shouldn’t like.  Like I’m something that some people think sounds so awesome until they try me.  Or the opposite, that I sound horrible, but once people give me a chance, they’re hooked.  But even more so, there are parts of me that are so sweet, that people love, and parts of me that are savory that people crave.  However, when mixed, they’re not always what you want.
I feel unappreciated.  I feel like a joke.  I feel like an acquired taste that no one wants to take the time to acquire.  But I hide away so much at the start that I have to put some of the blame on myself.

I had a discussion with people.  I’m being vague on purpose.  We talked about having people in your home when you come home from work.  Especially when your house is the size of three vans.  How 2 extra people can feel like 10.  But the other participants of this discussion dwelled on the noise issue.  People should be quiet after 10pm.  I have social anxiety.  And I’m so much better than I was a year ago.  But for me, dealing with people has very little to do with the noise factor.  It has to do with the presence of unwanted people in my house.  So telling me you’ll keep it down doesn’t make me feel better.

On Wednesday night I came home at 11pm after a stressful day at work to a group of people hanging out in my living room.  Yes, some of them live here, but not all.  And it was too much.  I can’t feel comfortable in my own home.  They said they were being quiet and that they were making brownies, but they also always fail to remember that I don’t have a door.  I went outside to grab my phone charger and had a full fledged panic attack.  Why is it okay for me to come home to that?

And maybe I do need to learn to live in community.  But I’m the kind of person who needs to wade into the water, not be thrown into the waves of the ocean, drowning.  I feel like I’m drowning.  I forgot my life-vest.

Maybe it’s time I move out.  Maybe it’s time I move on.  Because my broken heart can’t keep beating.  My bruised lungs can’t keep breathing. And no one can hear my screaming.  No one can hear the words I pen.  No one reads anything that comes out of me.  Because I don’t even matter.  I’m just trying to live.  I’m just here.  But I want to be more than that.  I want to be loved.  I want to be cherished.  I want to be invited.  I want to be sought out.  I want to be asked.  I want to be chased.  And I want to matter.

Or I could just run away.

Or I could just disappear.

Fell For You

Maybe I fell in love with you the very first day
The 14th of February, when we decided to go out after work
Joking that it was our first date because it was the international day of love

I could have sat across from you for hours
Talking about cars and music and God
But instead I left you early, realizing we were kindred spirits

Maybe it was when you brought my favorite candy to work with you
Saying I could only have it if I promised to stay
Even though you knew that I wouldn’t

It could have been the night we watched Netflix in your room and I fell asleep
And you did too, until I begged you to take me home
And you joked the next day that you’d tell people we slept together

It was probably the night I brought over my guitar
But instead of my music making you fall in love
We told stories of life and death and why we believe what we believe

After that I thought I’d never get over you
Even though I wasn’t convinced I was under you
Struck with the knowledge that there was still someone else

There’s always a possibility that I fell for you the night I asked you about her
And you were so broken and ashamed, even when you didn’t need to be
We drove around for an hour while you asked me what I wanted in a guy, knowing it could never be you

I fell in love when you helped me to breathe again
Even though it meant I had to leave again
While you stayed behind

I knew I was a goner when you told me you’d promised yourself you wouldn’t kiss me
And you didn’t
You ran away instead

My footing was slipping when you said you’d been thinking
That I might be worth trying
Then you changed the rules because you believed I was worth more than this

My heart hit the ground the night you actually did kiss me
Okay with not going too far
Because I’d never been there with a guy before

I was soaring high when it happened again
And we sat on your bed talking about all of our impossibilities
And how they could be possible if only things were different

And then I came crashing down
The possibility of you leaving two months too soon had never occurred to me
And the idea of you being gone forever is just too much for me

So I’ve decided that I never fell for you at all
And that I write an awful lot about love for someone who’s never experienced it
Because maybe I still don’t believe in it

Even though what I feel for you is different than I’ve ever felt before
I’d never tell you so
Because I don’t love you, not at all