People like to call me a hipster. Correction; people who are not hipsters like to call me a hipster. I am not a hipster. Not that it matters. My mind defines a hipster as someone who loves to hate. Someone who loved something before it was cool, but probably doesn’t like it anymore. Someone who might not be a true fan. Someone who likes something simply because someone else probably doesn’t like it. Someone who is judgmental without knowing why. Someone who hates things done the easy way, the normal way, and likes to make people feel bad for not doing something the hard way, the hipster way. Fixed gear bikes are one example. I personally don’t really have an opinion on these bikes, except that I’m probably not a good enough bike rider to ride one. But I know that bikes have gears for a reason; not just for speed, but in order to make a ride less challenging and more worth while. If you like to ride a fixie, by all means, go for it. But if you ride one just to make people who don’t feel bad about it, you’re probably a hipster.
There are a lot of memes about hipsters taking over the world and liking things ironically. I used to have a friend who would call himself a hipster, because by calling himself one, he ceased to be one, thus he was one. And I would get mad if people called me a hipster. Not mad, annoyed. But it doesn’t even really matter.
I hate a lot of things. Or at least I dislike them. I dislike them, so I won’t even give them a chance. I don’t like worship culture or Christian authors. I don’t like musicians who talk so much about the fact that they are a musician that you feel like they might have lost their identity. Or that you feel like you’re not good enough as a person because you don’t quite understand their terminology. It’s as if they want to look cool, so they make you feel stupid. But I might do the same thing as a writer. Forgive me for my alienation, I guess. I wonder if this is how it feels when foreigners try to fit in in the States.
I don’t like to be put in a box or pinned down. So I try to keep my horizons broad. I love dinosaurs, but I don’t carry a lot of scientific knowledge about them. I like indie films, but I haven’t actually seen enough of them to call myself an aficionado, because I’m not really a movie person. I like music from the early 2000’s, like Death Cab and Postal Service and Dashboard, but I might not remember the lyrics or recognize the song in a different context. I like driving stick shift and hate driving automatic, but I only retain some car knowledge. I like apple products because of the simplicity and clean feel, but I can’t have tech conversation about specs. I like drinking whiskey, but I don’t know enough about brands to actually know what is good. I like drinking and having friends that drink, but feel unloved in a Christian context.
I love my God. I love that he continues to love me, in the midst of all of my struggles and short comings. But I don’t like to be compared to other Christians. I’m not ashamed of my faith. But I am ashamed to be thought of as a Christian first, and I’m ashamed of that fact as well. Because my first thought, when I think of a Christian, is not that they have a relationship with a loving God. It’s that they are going to judge you. I don’t want to be associated with judgement, but I might be the most judgmental of all.
This is a struggle within me. I want to accept everyone while hating everything. I want to be accepted, but I’ll shoot down what I don’t like. I’m not even sure why I hate the things I hate. It must be this hipster mentality. This craving to be different, set aside. We all want to fit in, but not actually blend in. We all want to be the pop of color. And let me tell you, this life is a lonely one.
Every time I feel as though I have found my place, where I can be comfortable, it’s as if there is a shift. It’s as if I don’t exist, but I really do. I was told, not too long ago, that I’m a pioneer. What they meant is that I don’t have many lasting friendships. Not close ones. Because I have big dreams and am pursuing them. The people who are really excited about my existence get over it pretty quickly. I can appear and disappear easily. So maybe right now I feel as if I have disappeared. Although I haven’t. I am not stagnant.
Maybe I’m just a hipster. Maybe that’s why I feel hated. Maybe that’s why I hate myself.