30 Days Done

As I’ve said before, every January I try to do 30 straight days of Yoga with Adrienne. I love that she does this every year and it gives me an opportunity to build momentum for the year ahead of me. Today marks the end of January, thus I have done yoga for 30 days straight. (31 days really, because I did yoga on the 1st of the month too, even though her 30 days doesn’t start until the 2nd)

I feel accomplished. I feel like I can do this year right. I have a lot of things planned for this year, some big changes are coming that haven’t been announced yet, and I am pumped. I want to step forward with confidence. I may not get it all right, but I can do it. I am smart and I am capable.

I am setting goals for myself to make myself a better person, inside and out.

What goals are you setting? I’d love to hear them.

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Resignation

I could document it
Every instance
Because it’s already documented
Inside my head

Every wrong doing
Every negative word
It comes back to
As I search for the strength to leave

Here’s my notice
Signed and dated
Resigned to constantly searching for something better
Thanks, but no thanks, I guess

There’s a manner of speaking
A level of respect
Not even demanded
But expected as a standard

Time and effort
Energy drained
Barely breathing
Difficult to sustain

I will not accept this guilt
For leaving you behind
You need to take the blame
Can’t say I never tried

Moving on now
Ever, forever, moving
I will not crash and burn here
I never fully landed

Here’s my resignation
Signed and dated
Take my notice
And notice as I leave you

11pm

You are fickle
Inconsistent
Asking only for what I can’t give you
Forgetful
Always breaking promises
While it’s always my fault

You make me feel bad
About my schedule
Because what I do doesn’t matter to you
Unless you’re there with me
Spending the night
Not even seeing what is right in front of us

I am worried that I’m not the only one
That I will spread myself too thing
Only to find there was never enough of you to go around
Losing out to someone better
Feeling forever inferior
Although I am superior
To who you think I am

I am not the girl
Who you can call at 11pm
On random nights
Expecting me to come over
Because you’re a little drunk
When you’ve never seen me in the daylight

I am not the girl
That you can use
Again and again
Saying you want something more
Your words never matching your actions

And I wonder
Because I gave in once
Have I given in forever?

I want more
I want what you promised
I want sushi and drinks and snow when I wake up
I want  your arms to be my arms
Your heart to be my heart
I want to trust you with everything
But I can’t
And I have nothing for you anyway

Yet I still want you
While I beg for nothing at all
You’ll never find me on my knees
I’ll never come crawling back
Until you ask

Because maybe I want to be used for a little while
Maybe it’s nice to be wanted
As long as I know I don’t need you
I’ll answer your 11pm calls
Your 1am come overs
Your 9am goodbyes
Doing my best to leave you wanting