Both Worlds

There are things that I love in life.  Things that I’m figuring out.  Things I feel called to.  And I’m learning that there are things that I need.

I love art.  I love stories, both hearing them and telling them.  This is why I love people, even though I make such a point of saying that I don’t.  I love writing and being able to share that side of me.  Being encouraged in that is one of my favorite things.  Being pushed to do that is what I really need though.  Which is why I love community.  I need a community that has at least one person who will do these things with me, because my anxiety won’t let me do them on my own.  That’s something I had when I was in school, but I have no desire to be back in LA, with the traffic and how long it takes to get anywhere.

I love mountains.  I love nature and open spaces.  I love adventures and hiking and skiing and kayaking and swimming in lakes.  I love that these places aren’t crowded.  I love that I could take off my clothes and jump into freezing cold water and not have to worry that anyone would see me.  I could do this back home.  But I didn’t love the isolation.  I felt like I couldn’t breathe there.  Two different kinds of people were telling me who to be, and the people I found myself listening to weren’t the best people for me.  I needed to do something on my own.  And there wasn’t art, not in the way I crave it.  The artists there were lazy.  If someone had talent, no one would know it, and not enough people cared enough to pursue it.  You had to have the type of personality to make your own name known.  That’s not who I am.  I hide.
And Mammoth was so far from everything.  Two hours to get to the nearest city, and working too much to make going anywhere possible.  No one pushed me to be the best me, but that’s not anyone’s fault.  It’s a town of individuals.  Those individuals didn’t build the kind of community I needed.

I love good music.  I love musicians.  I love history and wildlife and culture.  That’s something that Florence has, although I haven’t grasped it yet.  There’s events all the time.  I just found out the university here has live lions as their mascot, though they weren’t out when I went to see them because it was too late in the day.  This town has culture and nature and art.  It has people who I could love, if I would stick around enough to be in their community.
But I’m an individual.  And I work in hospitality.  So I don’t have weekends or a regular schedule.  I used to go out after work and drink, but be only five minutes from home.  I was spoiled.  If I didn’t want to be by myself, I didn’t have to schedule time.

I was called here.  Or I thought I was.  But I wonder if I just wanted to escape what I thought was an unhealthy environment.  I wanted to do something on my own.  I was miserable.  I need to remember that.  I needed to know that I can make it on my own.  Yet, I keep asking myself why I decided to do life alone.  I went running the other day and realized that absolutely no one knew where I was.  I suddenly was very aware that if I disappeared, no one would notice for quite some time.  And no one would know where to look for me.  But who the hell am I going to tell my daily whereabouts to?  Isn’t that a weird thing to do?

I’m not giving up.  I’m just having a lot of doubts in myself.  I keep wondering what I have done.

I want so badly to find a place where I belong.  I want mountains and lakes and kayaking.  I want culture and community.  I want poetry and art and options.  I want the city.  I want the snow.  I want to be my best self and I want to be somewhere that I can thrive.  But I don’t want to do it alone anymore.



I will forgive you
For breaking my heart
For leaving me at the start
For ripping this apart

I will forgive you
For letting me down when I let you in
For making me lose so that you could win
For destroying me again

I forgive you
Even though you almost made me love you
Even though we could have been two
Even though I feel like a fool

I will let this all go
Because I can’t let you go
But do my feelings show?
You mold my heart like playdough

I’ll forgive you
Even if you still break me
Even if that’s all you see
Even if this sets you free

See, I’ll forgive you every time
There is truth in every rhyme
Everytime I search, you’re what I find
But even as I forgive, I promise, I’ll never forget, this won’t leave my mind.


What is on your mind?
Write it, speak it, say it out loud!
Because if you keep it locked inside,
If you keep it bottled up,
You might explode

Remember your importance;
You exist, therefore you matter
Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise
Because you weren’t created to simply drift
Never be afraid to shout

Let it out!
Scream until you have nothing left
Because when you feel like you have nothing left
You’ll find where your life depends
That’s where you’ll find yourself

Please don’t ever give up
Because you are worth so much more
You might not realize it now
But there is a crown resting on your head that you just haven’t noticed yet
You are royalty

In Writing

I’m sorry that I’m the worst
It’s hard for me to say words out loud that mean anything
It’s easier to just write them down
Or keep them bottled up…

Maybe I’m worried that once I start speaking I’ll never be able to stop
The words will come spilling out too freely
My insanity exposed for the world to see
I’m not ready to be looked at that way again

So I carry with me my own form of protection
Ready to shut out the world when it all gets too hazy
But sometimes I’m seen, my invisibility fading
Leaving you caught in the crossfire

It all used to seem so easy
I didn’t used to be so caught up in my mind
If you had seen me then, you’d never know me now
But I’ve forgotten who I was back then

I have learned how strong I can be
As long as I’m only alone in my weakness
Because when the holes in my armor become exposed
That becomes all I am, all anyone sees

I promise I’m okay still, that I always will be
There is no need for help within me
Even when everything inside of me screams to just let go
I won’t stop holding on

There’s a sort of music about it
The kind that rises out of tragedy
But I am no longer some tragic story
I am my own song, even if it is still being written

I just don’t want to interrupt the silence
It’s grown too vast as it stretches between us
If I break, maybe I’ll break something important
So I’ll just let it build around me

Missing You

I miss the way it feels to have my head resting in crook of your neck
I miss the way your lips feel on mine, even if it was only just a peck
I miss your daily morning greetings, even if only via text
Now I find myself lost, searching aimlessly for what comes next

I could have been comfortable with you, you know?
I wanted fast actions, but for my heart to move slow
You changed your mind on what you wanted, though
Now you’re less than a friend, but are you my foe?

Don’t get me wrong, I never would have loved you
You may think you have me figured out, but I promise you don’t have a clue
Loving someone does not come easy, and it’s not something I feel inclined to do
Usually I move on quickly, always searching for something new

I wanted adventure at 100 miles an hour
I didn’t want roses, I’m not the kind of girl who asks for flowers
I like to string you along until it all goes sour
But usually I do the leaving, climbing up my own tower

I didn’t think I asked for much, but maybe it’s that I asked for nothing at all
I go after what I want aggressively, until I fear that I might fall
Now I feel foolish, rather stupid, and very, very small
As you hover over me, looking much too tall

I find myself wondering if you even think of me
Should I keep waiting, just to see?
Because, boy, I really thought you were my cup of tea
But if you have a locked up heart like mine, I surely don’t hold the key

Do you even notice that I’m gone?
Because I still wonder where it all went wrong
Steadily realizing that with me, you don’t belong
And I know now that I am just not that strong

Lost, Find Me

Sometimes you need to be sufficiently lost in order to truly be found
So come find me
As the sound of rushing water and roaring wind overtakes me
All that I’m asking is to be free

Please don’t let me be
In case my heart forgets to beat
Torn up on the inside, what you see is only skin deep
Breathlessness must be so sweet

I’m done running away, at least for now
Time to face the stage and take my bow
My feet were running as soon as they hit the ground
And they’ve only. just. stopped.

My heart is conflicted
It’s like I’ve been convicted
Of wrongs that I never knew were wrong; don’t be so vindictive
I can feel you pulling away; I try letting you go, but it’s like I’m addicted

The dirt on my jeans says I’ve gone away
Deep down in my soul I think today is the day
Finding the courage to open my mouth and say
The choice is yours; do you want me to leave, or should I stay?

Bird and Bear: An Analysis

I played a coffee house for my school’s preview last Friday.  I played a song by Seabird called Bird and Bear.  I fell in love with this song last summer.  It’s a metaphor for a relationship, because it’s a love song about a bird and a bear.  After the show a few people asked me what it means, because they were worried the bear ate the bird; he didn’t.  So this is my analysis.

The lyrics are:

Big old bear and little bird,
How could they survive?
This love of theirs,
When big old bear
Looks at her with hunger in his eyes?

Like a badger the bird don’t care
She loves him just the same
She makes her nest
In his furry chest
And takes the bear’s last name

So fly bird, fly
As if your little winged life was on the line
High into the sky
Until the bear can calm his wild appetite

So bird and bear set off to share
A life filled with honey and filled with yummy seeds
That’s what every bird and bear should eat

They did what bird and bear do best
And loved each other like no other could
Until the bear started to think
I bet that little bird would taste so good
I bet that little bird would taste so good

And he said, “Fly bird, fly
As if your little winged life was on the line!
High into the sky until I can calm my wild appetite.
I can find a tree and steal some honey from the bees
If you would fly on home to me”
And you only said it once,
And once is quite enough
But I remember what I heard.
You said, “Bear belongs to bird.”
You said, “Bear belongs to bird.”

The bear and the bird are in love.  I think the bear believes he is toxic, and he loves the bird but is afraid to hurt her.  He tells her to leave, because he doesn’t want to break her heart or hurt her.  But the bird knows that the bear loves her and doesn’t believe he will hurt her, so she stays with him.  I don’t think he eats her.  I think it’s an amazing example of sacrificial love.

I may have my analysis wrong, I don’t know.  Let me know if you have a better one.  Maybe a more detailed analysis.  I’m rushed a little busy.