I have a confession

I have a confession.  I’m sometimes mean to aaa agents on the phone.  It’s definitely because my original agent messed up so bad and frustrates me so much.  I just found out that he registered my car as having 25,000 more miles on it than it did when I bought it.  So I have to fix that whole mess.  But maybe I’m mean to them because I work in customer service, and people are mean to me all day.  Maybe I’m a hypocrite.  Or maybe I’m just a horrible person.

I also have to confess that I don’t write like I used to.  I’m not as interesting.  Or I’m too busy.  Or maybe I just can’t write anymore.  I haven’t worked on my book, which doesn’t even exist anymore.  I hardly write poetry.  All my writing is complaining.   And I don’t complain that much anymore.  Or maybe it’s all I do.

Another confession.  I’m learning that it’d be significantly easier to find a new house to rent if I didn’t had a dog.  But I love my dog.  And having a dog is one of favorite new things about myself.  She’s basically my best friend.  And she has more personality and anxiety than most people.
I really want to fast forward to when I have my own house, where I can put my own touch.  And have more dogs.

I don’t love the rain as much as I used to.  It’s starting to inhibit more than rejuvenate.  Walking my dog, biking, driving.  It’s all more difficult.  But I still have a dream of living even more in the rain.  Portland still is a dream sometimes.

I have a confession.  I don’t hate Valentine’s Day like I once did.  But I don’t love it either.  But I do love Bobby.  I never knew love could be so easy.  I never knew love could be like this.  After more than a year, I still get excited about spending time with him.  He’s my best friend, if Roxy isn’t.  My best friend even likes him.  He has been approved for life.  I love him love him love him.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

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New Year. New Flu.

I’m stealing my boyfriend’s joke.

The year was almost over and I decided to drive to Huntsville to visit a friend who I haven’t seen in forever.  She’s a teacher so I knew she would have the holidays off.  But on the way my clutch disappeared, so I didn’t get to see her.  I also got to put my car in the shop for a week.  And pay $1500 to fix it.

Then I got the flu, because it seems that it is trying to infect everyone in this freaking town.  I don’t think I’ve had the flu since I was 12.

Then Bobby got the flu.

And my hamster died (good riddance).

And I have nothing to write about.

So far this year I’ve just been trying to keep it together.  But that’s what life is, right?  There are twists and turns.  And I know that in a couple years I will look back and be thankful that I am out of this.

But I did sign up to take the MAT and next paycheck I’ll be submitting my grad school application.  So there’s that.

Find something that makes you excited about life

On days when I have to get up really early for work, my dog is the most excited.  I don’t know what it is about early mornings, but she wags her tail and makes funny groany sounds and runs around my bedroom and the living room.  She’s not like this on days when I sleep in.  I’m wondering if it’s just because the sun isn’t up yet.  But she loves mornings.

The other morning I got up and she got extra excited.  She ran as fast as she could around the living room, then launched herself full speed onto my couch while I sat down to put my shoes on.  If you only knew my dog, you would know that she’s usually indifferent to everything.  We call her a cat dog.  She doesn’t even get that excited to be fed, unless it’s part of your dinner, or it’s her night time treat.  It was absolutely hilarious.

It just makes me wish I was that excited about things in my life as she is to go on a walk at four in the morning.  And maybe I am.  I’m excited about music and poetry and my future with my love.  But do I show it enough?  I want to run around and wag my tail and jump on the couch.

Find something that makes you as excited about life as my dog is about going for walks in the morning.

A Piece of Heaven

Not many people get to know as many of my thoughts as you do
And maybe someday I’ll give you all of them

There’s something singing in my heart
As if it’s never been awakened before
I feel elated just knowing that if I wake up, I’ll get to see you again
Being in your vicinity is almost enough to keep me breathing

I don’t want to be afraid of you
Maybe I’ll learn to trust you someday
And maybe you won’t break it

I could shout your name from the rooftops
But I’m falling in love with loving you quietly

I don’t even want to apologize
For sinking so deep into this
Because I’ve never been so comfortable

And yes, I might expect you to end this any day now
But I don’t want to expect it
Forcing myself not to pull away from you
Because I want to keep pulling into you

I want to really be loved this time around
I want you to love me
And that scares the hell out of me
Because you feel like a piece of heaven

Jericho

I must be Jericho
Because you have circled me and my walls are crumbling
Waiting to be pillaged, broken, and burned alive
Waiting to be left behind

Running scared
It’s about time, isn’t it?
The last time I came this close to love my heart mutinied
Though something keeps telling me this might be different

You could never be more than a secret
You could never be more than a mistake I keep making
I won’t let you be
Hurting as I’m hurting you

Goodbye should come easier
This was never real
And I need to stop dwelling in my imagination
Pulling you close for the leverage to push you away

I know you can feel my heart beating
I know you count the beats and notice every time one skips
Your rhythm matches mine
And I’m refusing to let that mean anything

I think I must be Jericho
Because I tried to ignore you in your silence
But we must be on the seventh day now
We must be on the seventh round now
Waiting for that trumpet blast
Expecting those war cries
I am going to come falling down
I am going to tumble to the ground
I wish I could avoid everything within me as it shatters

This is not what I wanted
I could never be what you need
Go ahead and call me Jericho
Because honey, I’m falling

Christmas (A Poem)

Christmas.
Family.
When the air is filled with cheer
A time you want your loved ones near

Christmas.
A time we’re prone to forget
Wrapped up in the mess of present wrapping
Though its reason is all about the presence

Christmas.
A time for remembering
A God most powerful, became so humble
A child in a stable, came to save mankind

Christmas.
Unwrap new beginnings
It doesn’t matter what your tree looks like
There wasn’t even a tree at the original

Christmas.
Wisemen, shepherds, nativity.
So much more, though our small minds might make it less
King, creator, Lord of our hearts

Christmas.
A time to be found
Don’t get lost in this
Find time to be merry

Christmas.
Let your heart be warmed
No matter how cold it may or may not be outside
It was never about the weather anyway

Christmas.
Remember.
Be humbled and bring praise
Its every reason is so you could be saved

Christmas.

On Santa and Christmas Traditions

Working in customer service has taught me that people get meaner during the holidays.

I’m almost positive that I’ve never taken a picture with Santa.  My parents didn’t really teach the Santa thing.  I don’t remember ever really believing, but maybe I stopped before my memories began.  I vaguely remember logical conversations with my dad about how Santa wouldn’t fit down our chimney, but I’m pretty sure I knew it was always pretty much a fairy tale.
We focused more on the original Christmas story.  Yes, we did the tree for most of my life, but we opened at least one gift on Christmas Eve, and as my brother and I got older, we started to follow my dad’s family tradition of opening all the gifts on Christmas Eve, which pretty much takes Santa out of the equation entirely.
Sometimes my mom would write “from Santa” on certain gifts, but we always knew it was from her, plus, those gifts were under the tree days, if not a couple weeks, before Christmas.  Thus, it was really hard to actually believe in Santa.  And that’s okay.  I don’t really feel like I missed out.

Every year since I can remember, apart from the random years we were spending the holidays out of town, my family has gone to a Christmas Eve service at the church I grew up in.  Even after I moved away and my parents stopped going to that church, we still went to the service.  It was tradition.  Afterward, my parents would drive around and look at Christmas lights.  As I got older, I kinda got over that tradition, and started going home to wait for them.
The four of us would gather in the living room and usually eat a dessert or something and then give gifts.  It was nice.  It was pretty anticlimactic.
This year, I’ll be away from family for the first time.  I’m okay with it, I’m not complaining.  It’s just different, like almost every aspect of my life in the south.  I was expecting to work on Christmas, like I usually do, but this year I have it off.  So I’m going to cook and spend the evening with one of my favorite people.  I’m going to drink champagne.  Maybe I’ll start a new tradition.