Balance

Life is a lot about balance. You balance work and home. You balance chores and relaxation. Balance the things that need to be done, like homework, and the things you want to do, like watch Netflix or read a suspense novel.

I feel out of balance sometimes. My kitchen is cluttered because someone was working on our pipes. The work is finally finished now, but we haven’t put the effort into putting things back to normal. My living room is cluttered because every time we open a piece of mail lately, every time I open a piece of mail, it gets set on the coffee table instead of in the trash, where it most like belongs.

My room is cluttered because it always is. Nothing’s changed there.

But I don’t feel like doing anything about this, at least not right away. I’d rather do something interesting, or at least that lets me procrastinate longer. I forced myself to do the dishes today. It literally takes only five to ten minutes to sort and load the dishwasher. I finally put away the clothes that I pulled out of the dryer two days ago. Again, that couldn’t have taken more than ten minutes. So why do these tasks seem so daunting sometimes?

I understand the concept of balance. I understand what needs to be done. It just feels like a lot sometimes. Most of the time. But I really want to learn balance this year.

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My Mother Would Have Loved Marie Kondo

Growing up, my house was never tidy. Sometimes it was clean, but it was never tidy. And it was never kept that way. We had things stacked up in lots of random places, because my mom found it hard to let go. But every once in a while she would get frustrated at her family for also not being tidy. She would ask us to clean our rooms. She would pick up things that we had left lying around and she would say “There’s a place for everything, and everything in its place.”
I think that’s why my home feels chaotic to me sometimes. Most things have their place, but a lot of things don’t have their place, so they just get set somewhere, and then when we need them we really have to search. I don’t want to live that life anymore.

I’ve been watching, like I’m sure a lot of people have been watching, Tidying Up with Marie Kondo on Netflix. It’s been amazing. I’ve been wanting to read her book for so long (let me know if you want to buy it for me) so when I saw this show I got so excited.
One thing that I heard her say in one episode is that it feels good when everything has a place. I instantly thought of my mother when I heard this.

My mother didn’t get to have a lot of innocent joy in her life. And she kept a lot of things. But I don’t think many of those things brought her joy.
I think my mother would have loved Marie Kondo, and I wish I could have seen her take Marie’s techniques into her life. I hope I can take Marie’s techniques into my life.

I’m ready for more innocent joy and less meaninglessness. I’m ready to be tidy. And I want to do it, because she couldn’t.

I have a confession

I have a confession.  I’m sometimes mean to aaa agents on the phone.  It’s definitely because my original agent messed up so bad and frustrates me so much.  I just found out that he registered my car as having 25,000 more miles on it than it did when I bought it.  So I have to fix that whole mess.  But maybe I’m mean to them because I work in customer service, and people are mean to me all day.  Maybe I’m a hypocrite.  Or maybe I’m just a horrible person.

I also have to confess that I don’t write like I used to.  I’m not as interesting.  Or I’m too busy.  Or maybe I just can’t write anymore.  I haven’t worked on my book, which doesn’t even exist anymore.  I hardly write poetry.  All my writing is complaining.   And I don’t complain that much anymore.  Or maybe it’s all I do.

Another confession.  I’m learning that it’d be significantly easier to find a new house to rent if I didn’t had a dog.  But I love my dog.  And having a dog is one of favorite new things about myself.  She’s basically my best friend.  And she has more personality and anxiety than most people.
I really want to fast forward to when I have my own house, where I can put my own touch.  And have more dogs.

I don’t love the rain as much as I used to.  It’s starting to inhibit more than rejuvenate.  Walking my dog, biking, driving.  It’s all more difficult.  But I still have a dream of living even more in the rain.  Portland still is a dream sometimes.

I have a confession.  I don’t hate Valentine’s Day like I once did.  But I don’t love it either.  But I do love Bobby.  I never knew love could be so easy.  I never knew love could be like this.  After more than a year, I still get excited about spending time with him.  He’s my best friend, if Roxy isn’t.  My best friend even likes him.  He has been approved for life.  I love him love him love him.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

New Year. New Flu.

I’m stealing my boyfriend’s joke.

The year was almost over and I decided to drive to Huntsville to visit a friend who I haven’t seen in forever.  She’s a teacher so I knew she would have the holidays off.  But on the way my clutch disappeared, so I didn’t get to see her.  I also got to put my car in the shop for a week.  And pay $1500 to fix it.

Then I got the flu, because it seems that it is trying to infect everyone in this freaking town.  I don’t think I’ve had the flu since I was 12.

Then Bobby got the flu.

And my hamster died (good riddance).

And I have nothing to write about.

So far this year I’ve just been trying to keep it together.  But that’s what life is, right?  There are twists and turns.  And I know that in a couple years I will look back and be thankful that I am out of this.

But I did sign up to take the MAT and next paycheck I’ll be submitting my grad school application.  So there’s that.

Find something that makes you excited about life

On days when I have to get up really early for work, my dog is the most excited.  I don’t know what it is about early mornings, but she wags her tail and makes funny groany sounds and runs around my bedroom and the living room.  She’s not like this on days when I sleep in.  I’m wondering if it’s just because the sun isn’t up yet.  But she loves mornings.

The other morning I got up and she got extra excited.  She ran as fast as she could around the living room, then launched herself full speed onto my couch while I sat down to put my shoes on.  If you only knew my dog, you would know that she’s usually indifferent to everything.  We call her a cat dog.  She doesn’t even get that excited to be fed, unless it’s part of your dinner, or it’s her night time treat.  It was absolutely hilarious.

It just makes me wish I was that excited about things in my life as she is to go on a walk at four in the morning.  And maybe I am.  I’m excited about music and poetry and my future with my love.  But do I show it enough?  I want to run around and wag my tail and jump on the couch.

Find something that makes you as excited about life as my dog is about going for walks in the morning.

A Piece of Heaven

Not many people get to know as many of my thoughts as you do
And maybe someday I’ll give you all of them

There’s something singing in my heart
As if it’s never been awakened before
I feel elated just knowing that if I wake up, I’ll get to see you again
Being in your vicinity is almost enough to keep me breathing

I don’t want to be afraid of you
Maybe I’ll learn to trust you someday
And maybe you won’t break it

I could shout your name from the rooftops
But I’m falling in love with loving you quietly

I don’t even want to apologize
For sinking so deep into this
Because I’ve never been so comfortable

And yes, I might expect you to end this any day now
But I don’t want to expect it
Forcing myself not to pull away from you
Because I want to keep pulling into you

I want to really be loved this time around
I want you to love me
And that scares the hell out of me
Because you feel like a piece of heaven

Jericho

I must be Jericho
Because you have circled me and my walls are crumbling
Waiting to be pillaged, broken, and burned alive
Waiting to be left behind

Running scared
It’s about time, isn’t it?
The last time I came this close to love my heart mutinied
Though something keeps telling me this might be different

You could never be more than a secret
You could never be more than a mistake I keep making
I won’t let you be
Hurting as I’m hurting you

Goodbye should come easier
This was never real
And I need to stop dwelling in my imagination
Pulling you close for the leverage to push you away

I know you can feel my heart beating
I know you count the beats and notice every time one skips
Your rhythm matches mine
And I’m refusing to let that mean anything

I think I must be Jericho
Because I tried to ignore you in your silence
But we must be on the seventh day now
We must be on the seventh round now
Waiting for that trumpet blast
Expecting those war cries
I am going to come falling down
I am going to tumble to the ground
I wish I could avoid everything within me as it shatters

This is not what I wanted
I could never be what you need
Go ahead and call me Jericho
Because honey, I’m falling