I’ve been having a hard time. This past year has been hard. I switched antidepressants in September, and that helped my mental state for a couple months, but now things have only gotten worse. My poor husband has been such a rock to hold onto as he’s helped me deal with my constant ups and downs, which now seem to just be down, down, down. It’s not even a constant sadness, which I almost think would be better; it’s a constant lack of joy. Nothing feels easy. I’m so emotionally drained that committing to spending time doing anything outside of work feels really huge. I’m so tired, but I don’t feel like sleeping. I feel on the edge of tears, but I can’t tip over and cry it out. Honestly, crying it out might help, but I’m too numb to get there.
Last November I had to go to the Emergency Room because I had a mysterious pain in my abdomen. They never found the cause, but that doesn’t mean they’re not going to charge me for all of the tests they decided to run. But I don’t have any extra money. I do Postmates on the weekend in order to pay the bills we already have, and I can’t even afford those. And because my depression continues to deepen, getting up on Saturdays has gotten increasingly harder. All I want is to be able to make it. But I feel like I can’t make it.
Finances have always been a trigger for me. I never thought I would be in the place that I am in. I’ve always been able to pull my way out of any financial pits I have dug for myself before. But I didn’t dig this pit on my own. And it’s too deep to climb out of. I’m too weak to keep climbing.
Neither my husband nor I have received the latest round of stimulus. And even when we do receive it, it will help a little, but not enough. We’ll still be struggling. I’m out of ideas.
I wish I could just give up.
But the bills still have to be paid. And maybe in a couple years this will all be forgotten. It will be a story of where we were, because I don’t believe this is forever. I just wish it was already in the past. My body can’t take this anymore. My mind can’t take this anymore.
I think it’s time to end this.