Anymore

I’m not creative anymore.
I’m not really anything anymore.
And my whole life used to be creative.  Everything I stood for was so that I could put more words down and life more people up with them.  But was I ever really that uplifting?
I feel like I don’t know how to make good decisions anymore.  I feel lost.  I feel terrified.  I just want to give up and start again, but life doesn’t work that way.  I feel stuck, but I have to get unstuck, or else I won’t survive.
And I’m not sure what else I can do.

I miss home.  I miss the west.  I want to be anywhere but here.  Because there’s a little bit of grace in starting fresh.  And all I want right now is to start fresh.

My heart has been aching for so long now.  Every step I make to lessen the pain only makes it worse.  Why can’t things go back to the way they used to be?  Why can’t I just go home?  All I want is to go home.  I want to be able to tell my mom how frustrated I am with Alabama and the lack of opportunities and community here.  I want to go home and have my dad make me dinner and help me figure out how to fix all of this.  Because for most of my life I had that ability.  And I didn’t realize how lucky I was.  I didn’t realize how much I took it for granted because I was so depressed and stuck in my own head.  But now I’m depressed and I have nowhere to go.  And I can’t go home anymore.

One thought on “Anymore

  1. Rachel Blevins

    This makes my heart hurt…
    I’ve been homesick and couldn’t go “home” again. I’ve lived in several places where I felt unwanted and unseen. My heart has ached for relationships that were once genuine and sweet. In all of that messiness, God never left. But it felt like He no longer saw me or heard my cries in the night. I was wrong. It took time to get out of the funk and it slowly happened as I immersed myself in the truth of his word and made my attempts at worship a sacrifice to him. It’s real and raw but there’s hope. I pray someone with “skin” will journey with you along this bumpy path known as life. My favorite OT name for God is EL ROI–the God who sees me. I have to frequently remind myself that it’s truth. Hold onto hope, Sara, the world needs you!

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