One thing that I realized last week is that I’ve always gone to church because I’ve always had connection there.
I grew up going to church because my parents took me to church every Sunday. And I went to youth group because my friends went and I liked it and I felt like I was learning things. I felt a connection to the living God.
When I was in college I went to church because I had to be serving in church at least two times a month for my degree. You didn’t have a choice to opt out if you were in Bible college. But I got to know my pastors. And I enjoyed being a volunteer, even if it wasn’t the fun jobs that I was doing. I liked the connection. I liked the family that I had there.
After college, I moved to Mammoth and I started re-attending the Lighthouse, and I found real family. But I first knew about the Lighthouse because I would visit with my brother all the time growing up and when I visited during college. I had friends there. I felt community there. And I connected with God there.
I’m just wondering how to get that community and connection back. I’m wondering where it is here. When I first moved to Florence I immediately started attending a church, but my only friends in Florence were a part of this church. After being there for more than a year, I felt less connected than when I first moved. My newness wore off and it kinda seemed like I wasn’t good enough to be connected. I wasn’t good enough to be involved. None of the original connections I had there include me anymore. Unless they see me in public. Then they complain that we never hang out, but I can’t remember the last time I actually got an invitation to do anything.
I got a text from the pastor saying he missed hanging out with Bobby and I. I said he could ask us to hang out any time, but I never got a response.
I feel like church is something that I’ve had forced into my life for so long that I’m not sure what is real and what is fake. I miss community and I miss connection, but it has to be genuine. It cannot be forced. I’ve visited other churches, churches with small groups, but I don’t necessarily agree with their theology.
I’ve felt a little lost lately. I don’t like feeling lost. So I might be breaking up with church for a while. I can pursue my relationship with God and learn what I need, because I’m obviously not going to find what I’m craving.
Sorry I complain so much. Sorry I’m not elite.