Sometimes I really wish I had made different decisions in my life. I wish I had gone to a different school and made different career choices. I wish I had been more rebellious, instead of stuck in a Christian bubble that made me think God was telling me to be a youth pastor, thus altering the whole course of my life. Because I could have been anything. I could have gone to school to get a real career. I was smart enough. I was almost a 4.0 student in high school and college. But instead I went to Bible college. And my degree is almost worthless, as far as living my dreams or having a fulfilling career go. I realized real quick that I’m not meant to be in ministry, and that I would actually be miserable there. I had heard wrong. I wish I had gone somewhere to get my degree in English or creative writing or something, so I could have maybe been a teacher, so maybe I would have an impact on someone else’s life. Or maybe that I would have gone immediately to school to study counseling or psychology, because those have also always been interesting to me.
And I know that if I had made different choices in my life, not only my life would have been affected. I never would have met Michelle, and she never would have moved to Mammoth. I never would have moved to Alabama and met the best boyfriend ever. My friend Sarah probably would have never met her boyfriend. There’s a lot of things. So maybe I’m selfish, wishing things were different.
Today, a woman told me that I didn’t know what breve was (half and half). She explained to me that it wasn’t milk, it was cream (even though it’s half whole milk, and half heavy cream, so technically it’s both). She told me she wanted more breve in her drink, that was made out of breve. You can’t add extra water to a full glass of water. You can’t fill a cup above capacity. I can’t add more humanity to my humanity. It does not make more, it just fills up. So she tried to imply that I was stupid.
I am an intelligent human. I might be more intelligent than most of the people that I’m surrounded by. But I didn’t do anything with that intelligence. Instead, I work at Starbucks, with a wasted college degree, somewhere much too far from home.
I could have been anything. Instead, every stranger automatically assumes I’m beneath them.
I miss home. I miss my people, my church, my community, my family. I wish things had been different.