This isn’t something anyone asked me to write on. I’m just writing on it.
I woke up this morning feeling numb. Feeling nostalgic. Feeling unsettled. I have a lot to do, yet nothing to do. Why do anything at all? I stayed in bed for a while. Then I felt like playing a song I wrote right before I went back to California for the wedding. Then I started playing music I wrote last year. Music I wrote the last time my heart was broken. And I remembered.
I remembered getting through that. How that doesn’t hurt anymore unless I dwell on it. Because it wasn’t right. I’ve been thinking about all the times in the past when I’ve been broken. When I’ve been disappointed. When I’ve been so angry and hurt at situations, whether relationships or otherwise, that I just felt like giving up. And I’ve gotten through all of them. They aren’t even scars anymore. They’re not even molehills anymore, but they were mountains at the time.
That’s what depression does. It makes mountains out of molehills. It makes the little things seem insurmountable. Not that someone struggling with depression is making a big deal out of a small thing, but the energy to get over that small thing just doesn’t exist. When you’re from a flat land, even small hills look like mountains. Sometimes, everything looks like mountains.
I’m a funny person. I’m not a funny writer, but I make people laugh, and more importantly, I make myself laugh. But I’m also a cynical person. So a lot of my jokes are dark, and I think I’ve left behind most of the people who get them.
I tweet out a lot of funny one liners. And I don’t really care if people see them or understand where I’m coming from, because when I’m out of context I’m even more cryptic of a person. But it’s when I get the offended responses that it bothers me. Yes, social media is just a game, but it’s one I feel that I’m losing, because all the conservative old people don’t understand. It annoys me more than it helps me. Yet it something that we’re all addicted to. But social media is a topic for another day.
Lately I just feel unheard.
Most of my thoughts are how to express how much I miss people. There are people that I’ve almost forgotten, but when I remember them, I miss them. I miss familiarity. I miss being known. But I have the chance to completely remake myself. So why not take that chance?
I’m rambling. I know. And this isn’t stretching me at all. Day one, and my goal of writing everyday is already failing. But I will keep going.
While I was playing through old music today, I started to write something new. My song writing process is not something that I’m going to talk about today, but here’s a clip of something new. Have fun with my nostalgia.