I haven’t done this in a while. Just stopped and let my thoughts flow here. So maybe it’s time to do that again.
Last September I went to Ireland on a trip that changed my life. While there, I felt God calling me elsewhere. I felt like he was saying Florence.
I came back to Mammoth with no definite place to live, but found myself stuck in a lease with my brother instead. I thought I would move in a month or two, felt my heart screaming at me to get out. But instead, we couldn’t find a roommate to take my place, and I settled. And then the snow got good, so I decided to stay a little bit longer. I became someone I’m not.
I went to LA and spent some time with some old friends. One of them gave me the wise advice to pick a date and go with it. So I did. I chose March 15th, and I was all ready to move then. Until everyone around started dragging me down. Until everyone around me had their own opinion. Until everyone around me couldn’t understand why I could move to a Southern state, a “less progressive” state, a humid state. How could that ever be home? I honestly don’t know. I just know what my heart says. With every beat, it says get out. Get out. Get out. Get out of Mammoth. Get out of California. Get out of this stagnant life you have let consume you. What the hell are you still doing here?
I started doing things that have dragged me down. I started spending time with people who I have allowed to change who I am. I have all but cut ties with the people that I love here. I let someone have my heart who definitely doesn’t deserve it, but that’s always the case anyway.
I feel torn. I feel pulled in a thousand directions. I feel like my life is out of control, as if I don’t get a say anymore. My mom kept telling me how I need to save more money. My brother wants me to stay longer so he can have more time to find a roommate, because he’s being picky. My manager wants me to stay because he doesn’t want to find a replacement. My new friends want me to stay longer because we can hang longer.
But what about what is right for me? What about my life? Where is it going? Am I still holding onto something that is broken? Because it feels as though my hands have been sliced open and are dripping blood.
I might be past my breaking point again. I think I’m done here. I probably should have left a while ago.
I need to find an Alabamily. I need there to be something ahead of me again.
Because I’ve forgotten who I was. I’ve been ignoring my soul. I’ve been ignoring God. I’ve made mistakes. So I’m still here.