Do You Ever?

Do you ever lay in bed thinking about ending your life?  Even when you’re happy?  Even when you have people who love you and a job that you like going to?
And really, if you said anything, there would probably be some big freak out.  Because thinking about something obviously means you’re going to do it.  But you wouldn’t.  You have no reason to.  It’s not even something that you want to do, it’s just something that you think about.  Do you ever wonder if that’s okay?

Do you ever wonder why people say death is a coward’s option?  They accuse you of running away.  They accuse you of being afraid.  They say that you’re not brave.
But you must be so much braver.  Because jumping from some high place is terrifying.  What if you fail?  That would be so much worse.
And a failure might be even braver.  Because now everyone knows your secret.  There is no hiding anymore.

Do you ever wonder why these thoughts come in the first place?  Maybe they’re normal.  The French have a saying about the beckoning void.  Being tempted to jump from a high place, or to slit your arm open when you have a knife in your hand in the kitchen, these are the voids that beckon.  Because these are the easiest options.  These are possibilities.  And it’s your job to fight the void.

But do you ever want to give in?  Do you ever want to tell someone?  Do you ever wonder if you need help?  If giving up the drugs was the wrong decision?

I’m just wondering; do you ever?

9 thoughts on “Do You Ever?

  1. It was a beautiful post. Yes, I do think about a lot many things as such. I do feel like sharing it with people. But here’s where the grave problem lies in. I become paranoid about the people surrounding me. I feel like waiting for someone, someone trustworthy to come; so that I would share all my thoughts with him/ her. But when that “someone” actually comes, I start doubting them. I start to think that I just can’t trust them ( even if they have proved their trust!! ) And hence, all my thoughts & emotions only manage to pile up inside me. There’s no way out for me..
    I don’t know if it’s just me or are there others like me as well…

    1. You’re definitely not alone. It’s a possibility that most people are like this. I know that even if I really trust people, I can’t really communicate any inner turmoil. I communicate best through writing, so that’s why I write about things.
      In reality, there are a lot of people who won’t judge or anything if you talk to them, it’s just getting over the initial hurdle of opening up. It’s hard to not be guarded once you’ve built the walls.

      1. “It’s hard to not be guarded once you’ve built the walls.” Perfectly said!
        Yes, writing indeed helps a lot in such times. Thank you for sharing this. 🙂

      1. Obviously no one can know that for certain. I believe in an afterlife, eternal life; either in heaven or in hell, but that sounds so simple, and I don’t think it is that simple.
        But that’s also not something that matters for me right now, since I’m nowhere near death as far as I know. I’m still young, so unless I get in some freak accident, I’m pretty sure I have 50 or more years left in this life. It’s silly to focus so much on what comes after.

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